Just lost my mum suddenly

4 weeks ago I lost my mum, I’m really really struggling. It was sudden and unexpected. Pneumonia took my beautiful mum away.

Im 29 and feel like i have been robbed of my precious mum. We had a very special bond, due to her losing my sister before I was born. My mumw as young and I am still in shock, rather than going forward I feel I am going backwards. I cannot believe I have survived the last 5 weeks without my mum being on this earth. She was my everything, my best friend, shopping partnet, confidant literally my whole life. I am not married nor do I have children and I feel extremely lonely. Almost part of a new group and I am the only member. I feel so shut off from anyone else who hasnt lost their mum, I feel the only person in the world right now. I cannot connect to anybody, walking down the street i just want to scream ive lost my mum! ive lost my mum! I have recently gone back to work and everyday on my lunch i drive to lay by and cry my eyes out, I howl like an animal screaming her name. its gets me through the next few hours before I can go home and do it all over again. I re live her last days over and over why didnt i read the signs! I see alot of people on hear suffering the same but many have loved ones who have suffered illness which meant they didnt argue with their loved one in the lead up. But I never got that chance to say bye or say the things I wanted to say. the constant lump in my throat is horrendous to live with. I really am struggling hard, my life has been taken my beautiful mum was my everything. I am now on antidepresents but they havent helped, id hate to think what id be like without them. When will this excruciating pain end? I want to be with her

1 Like

Hi Sarah,

I’m the community manager here and I just wanted to say welcome to the site, and that I am very sorry for the loss of your beautiful mum.

It sounds as though the two of you were very close, and that your loss has been all the more of a shock for being so unexpected. Your pain comes through so clearly in your post.

I am glad you have found this site, as you mention feeling so cut off from people who have not been through this.

We do have other members here who are sadly in the same “group” as you, and will be able to relate to what you are feeling. Hopefully some of them will be along soon to respond to your post.

For example, in this conversation, you can find Ary, who lost his dad, and tlang, who lost her mum: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-dad

It sounds as though you are struggling to cope with being back at work - do you feel as though you may not be ready to be back? If not, you could talk to your GP about whether you need to be signed off for longer.

Has your GP suggested any other support other than the anti-depressants, such as counselling?

Cruse Bereavement is one good organisation that offers counselling at their local centres. They also have a helpline on 0844 477 9400 or helpline@cruse.org.uk.

Keep posting if you find that it helps.

Thanks Priscilla,

to be honest I don’t really know if it helps being at work or not. I have a boyfriend and he asked for his parents to come over from France as soon as it happened to look after me. I felt like a child all over again and his mum even sat with me whilst I bathed as I couldn’t even bare to be alone. On the morning that they left I cried my heart out and woke up the next day in an empty house, this was thoroughly depressing and felt horrendous being alone left with my thoughts, so my initial reaction was to think if I go to work at least people are there.

But they aren’t the people I can talk to when I say that I purely mean, none have lost their mum. I am the youngest at 29 and it doesn’t seem fair seeing someone older than me with their mum. Alot of people are recognizing my coming back to work as a sign of ‘being on the mend’ but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

People approach me with ‘when my gran/grandad died’ and its not the same, its at that point i realize how alone i am.

Is it normal for it to have not registered yet? when im with my partner i often say ‘oh my god’ and he will ask whats wrong and i will say ‘my mum died!’ he doesnt seem to understand.

I just want to be with her, im angry she has left me so alone at such a young age. Last year I suffered a late miscarriage and she was helping me with this. She will never see me marry or my children, it makes me sick to the stomach

Hi Sarah,

It sounds as though it’s tough to work out whether it’s harder being at work or home by yourself.

Have you talked to your manager or HR department about how hard you are finding it? There might be some things they can do to support you such as letting you do shorter hours or being flexible around your needs.

Yes, I do think it is normal that it hasn’t fully sunk in yet, as this is something that many of our members talk about. Your loss is still very recent and it was also unexpected.

It sounds as though your boyfriend’s parents were very kind and supportive, and it is a shame they had to go back to France. Sorry to hear that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand - has he been making an effort to be supportive? If it is hard for you to be by yourself, could he come and spend more time with you?

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage as well - you will still be dealing with this and will really miss having your mum to talk to about it. I know it is not the same, but the Miscarriage Association have a helpline you can talk to on 01924 200799 or info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk.

Hi Sarah
My name is Kaye,. I would just like to say I know exactly how you are feeling, I lost my mum on 31.08.2015, she went into hospital for an operation on a aorta which should have made her better, but she never came out, I am married with no children, and my husband is very supportive, but it still does not ease the pain, I am 48 but it has hit me really hard as well, my mum was my best friend too, and isaid the exact same thing to my husband, that I do not want to be here anymore without her. Then on 03.11.2015 we found out my dad had lung cancer, and they gave him 9 months with chemo. he managed 1 treatment, then he passed away on 31.10.2015. I have had to go back to work yesterday full time again which has been the first time since mum passed, because I was leaving everyday at 1 to be with dad. I feel lonely also, even though I have a husband. I still cannot believe it either, that I lost them both in the space of 8 weeks, and I know that people try to help, by saying it gets better in time, but you don’t think you will ever live a normal life again, but I think if we can chat to each other then we maybe able to help each other get through it. please take care of yourself, and message me whenever you want to chat. love kaye xx

Hi Laney,

Thanks for your message, its a comfort knowing someone else feels the same, as horrible as that may sound. It feels strange to say but on the days I dream of her are they worst, to even imagine day worst than the day before is laughable, theyre all horrendous! I see her very vividly in my dreams and I wake as if someone is saying repeatedly over and over again ‘you will never see that face again’ its at that point I get hysterical and the impounding feeling of never seeing my mum again hits and I go into utter meltdown. If i feel that at any other point in my life I may look normal i.e on the phone, having a conversation with someone or simply brushing my hair then its not becasue I am coping its because I am in denial, I feel like telling those around me if you see me looking ok its because im living in a bubble of denial that at that point im telling myself ‘mums just at home probably watching TV’ i by far am not doing ok. I never will be ok again, the day it happened I couldnt understand why the world had not stopped. My work is full of men, so not only do I have to deal with the one at home, i deal with ten others at work. 5 weeks on is sufficient enough time to grieve and move on from your mum right!? I don’t think so, I will never be the same again. As much as a partner will enter your life no one will ever love you like your mum, I’ve never been one of those mature before their age sort of girls. I was spoilt, needy and an anxious kid/adult. I don’t think the grieving starts till the shock is over and for me the shock is as raw as the day it happened, I dont know about you Laney but I didn’t not cry for the first two days. I accept there has to be stages to grief but for now the ‘denial’ stage is comforting. I was wondering what your thoughts were on mediums? I was told not go down that route till at least 3 months on. But I feel like I need answers, one being why did you leave me.

Sarah x

Hi Sarah
Thank you for your reply, what you have asked me is really odd, as my mums next door neighbour goes to mediums, and she was telling me that after dads funeral, she was going to see this guy who is supposed to be very good, I actually asked if I could go with her, as I need to know if my mum and dad are together again because my dad was devastated when mum went, and he was saying that he could not live without her, then unfortunately 6 weeks later he did not have to. My brother and sister do not think it is a good idea, but I just need to have some comfort from knowing they are together again. xx

Hi Sarah i am very sorry for your loss. I can imagine the pain u must be going through. I lost my sister in May 2015 to cancer and i am still lost in my pain . She was my twin and we were best of friends. Though she lived in paris we spoke on the phone everyday.
The pain is out of this world
Night times r the worst
The crying comes unannounced
Nearly 6 months on and it doesn’t get any easier. I am alone with my 14 yr old daughter and it breaka my heart whn she puts her arms round me to say i know u miss ger so much but its gonna get better one day. I can’t believe she is gone and the thought that I will never see her again is the worse pain ever
Its not easy but it will get better with time
I am writing this in tears bcos life will never be the same again
I will keep you in my prayers that is what has kept me going throughout this difficult times
Take care
Many blessings

Hi Herty. Thank you for your understanding words that, despite all your own pain, you have been able to share with us. I lost my only sister 30 years ago and you are right that, although life won’t be the same again, it will change in time and the memories of your sister will always remain a part of you. Blessings. Chris

1 Like

Hi Laney,

yes I think if you feel you would like answers its a good way, I’m very skeptical though about it all. The thing is I’m very much aware that my mum did not want to die so it terrifies me to think she would come through and be unhappy. Her unhappiness is now out of my control and I think I will sink further into a depression if I was to hear it. I have just started to see a bereavement counselor so I will see how it goes and let you know. I still wake up oblivious this has all happened. They say kids pull you through, give you a purpose. But without them I’ve left wondering what mine now is, if that makes sense x

Hi Herty,

I am so sorry for your loss. They say there is no greater pain than losing your mother or child. But where does sister come into the equation. Personally I think ranks just as high especially with you being a twin. For all your life you have shared the same thoughts, feelings and experiences. I completely understand why you feel such great pain. Its avery distressing thought to think you will never see that persons face again. Thing is whats worse is the emotions that come with grief and rollercoaster which they travel on. I understand when you say about writing this in tears at that point you are writing on here you feel like you are the only person in the world feeling such gut wrenching pain. And then the next hour you may well be consolable. It hits sometimes at the most inconvinient times and more often than not I am asked by my partner or work friend ‘Are you ok? has something just reminded you of them?’ and the answer is no, not always. Your mind is working overdrive whilst you answer that work email, chatting casually to an old friend until it races to a particular ‘sore spot’ in my own personal experiences it usually revolves around reliving those last few days …‘what was the last thing i said to her’ and ‘when did i last tell her i love her’ ‘do you think she died knowing how much i love her’ and then out of knowhere I am in hysterical tears. All this whilst eating dinner with my partner. Last week I raced down the stairs at home almost as if someone had creeped in upstairs, my partner met me at the landing in a panic screaming at me ‘whats wrong?’ and I simply cried my mums died. As if 5 weeks wasnt enough of an imprint she was no longer there. I heard a great saying once ’ if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too’

were all here to help each other. you are most definetley in my thoughts xxxx

Hi Sarah, Herty
I know saying sorry for your loss doesn’t really mean much but I truly am sorry and totally understand your terrible anguish because I too lost the only person I loved 6 months ago and yes you can still be in denial. I thought I was just about coping, until 3 weeks ago I fell into my deep dark void again and have stayed there ever since. My counselor thought I didn’t seem to be drowning any more, then suddenly out of the blue comes this terrible feeling from the bottom of my stomach together with the realization I won’t be seeing my beloved husband again, he’s not there waiting for me at home. It’s the finality I find difficult to accept. I seem to be obsessed and can’t stop thinking of him even for a minute. I feel I’m going crazy with grief. I asked my counselor if I was going mad, he said no, grief does that to you, it’s a sort of a madness. Last night I was sobbing my heart out begging for even just 2 minutes once a week just hear him, talk to him. I wanted to reply to the posts last night but had trouble as clicking on the read more just wouldn’t work, so I just sat there in tears reading just the top bits of your posts. I too was tempted with mediums but I’m brave enough to go to one, also I probably wouldn’t feel right about it. It would be interesting to know what they have to say.

I returned to work after 5 weeks because I was practically climbing the walls on my own but soon found out it was a big mistake. People see you and because you put on an act in front of them they think you’re ok but don’t know that deep down your heart is breaking, your screaming and crying inwardly. No sooner I’m through my front door my loneliness smacks me in the face and I can be myself. I have no one to turn to, just a friend who lives in the South; bless her she calls every evening - no sooner the call ends I am free to resume my favourite hobby, crying. It’s a vicious circle. I don’t even watch any programs on Telly.
Take care x

Hi Libby, again sorry doesn’t really seem relevant, I’m sure you’ve heard many of ‘sorrys’ in the last 6 months. I too returned to work 5 weeks exactly after. I feel to like I made a mistake. I wasn’t thinking straight at the time and to be honest work was last of my agenda, my main acomplishment was to get up and brush my teeth. Until I woke one morning to a gloomy house and moldy milk in the fridge - I went into meltdown. At least being at work I would be surrounded by people distraction or not. So I went the next day.

This in my opinion signified 1. I was coping and 2. never really cared that much for my mum. The awkwardness from employees lasted all of 2 days. I felt guilty for being there, surrounded by people who were 50 plus who had parents and could only relate with ‘when my gran died’. Its hard, Libby. I know only to well. But almost like looking in a mirror. well done for going.

grief almost becomes your friend. as strange as that sounds. I hear what your saying by getting home and you can be by yourself. I found driving on my lunch to a lay by and screaming her name on why she left me. A tiny part of me craves getting home to cry.

I very recently had a falling out with a close friend, a best friend i had known since school. The one person who was supposed understand strangely had a screaming fit because I never got back to her text one day. I was told to stop feeling sorry for myself and throwing the fact my mum died 5 weeks ago at every situation. Harsh

But I was very surprised who let me down and who came to my rescue, friends I hadn’t seen for years held me up at her funeral.

And again the ways grief presents itself are surprising, if it makes you feel any slightest bit better by talking on here then do just that :slight_smile: I will always reply.

Most importantly take care of yourself - I know this is so much easier said than done

Sarah x

Hi Sarah
Thank you so for your supportive message and taking the time in spite of your own grief.

You are so right people nearest and dearest can let you down, surprisingly
Support comes from unexpected places, mainly from people you barely met or know.

In September I was told by one lady, ‘ you got to get over it now and just get on with it’

Yesterday I received a message from a cousin ‘ so it is in your hands, you should stop
grieving and drink hot cup of milk and see if it helps you get some sleep’ - this was in response to me telling her I’m not ill, I’m grieving and grief can’t be cured with medication; It takes time, no one knows how long, for some it’s longer than others.

I used to walk by the canal during my lunch break and listen to my husband’s recorded message he left me, also the song he had at the funeral service (one we both loved) – Grow Old Along With Me by Mary Chapin Carpenter. He’d asked his son to introduce the song saying :
”Although I am not with Libby in body I am there in love and spirit and so WILL be able to grow
old with her. Also I want everyone there to appreciate their own lives and grow old with the ones they truly love.”

Due to the bad weather I don’t go out for a walk at lunch times.

You take care and likewise I’ll be here if you ever need to have a chat or just let off steam.
Libby x

Hi Libby,

How lovely that your husband did that for you. That truly is special and something you will hold forever. Its normal so I’m told to go from one extreme to the other - no wonder people say the stupidest things!

I found at the start, listening to my mums favourite songs and filling my house with pictures of her - even making her urn a cup of tea (cue the scene from p.s I love you) helped.

And now I cant even face a photo, listen to a saddish song on the radio, watch tv. a reminder is everywhere. From many counsellors I have spoken to they have prepared me for the 6 month mark, which is what you have just hit I see. Apparently its supposed to feel the worst. So at least your following in the steps that grief has lined up for us - if there was ever a rule book, how I wish!

Its almost frustrating when people say you need to grieve - ok so how do I do that? whats one persons grief to another?

Is not washing for 6 days holding my mums nightie howling like an animal and begging whatever relative/friend that walked through the door to ‘go get my mum and bring her back to me please’ classed as grieving? or mad to others.

Take one day at a time I’m told. I’m here to talk whenever xx

Each persons grief is different and what may comfort one person, may not comfort another and this can seem frustrating. People want us to be okay, whatever okay is. Close people often want to make things better but don’t know how and often say or do things that make us feel worse. As you say there is no grief rule book but I think that we have to do what we need to do not what others want us to do. This is easier said than done I know.

I agree there is no comparison when it comes to grieving, we all go through it in different ways. 6 and a half months on I’m worse than ever before. I’m still seeing the counsellor. It’s an extremely painful, long and lonely journey and there’s no magic wand anyone can wave… Hope we can all find some peace and the strength to cope with our grief in our own way. This community helps us all, it’s a place where we can feel free to have a moan and express our anguish without being told to ‘get over it’ or being judged. Libby x

Hi sarah86, I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.
I’ve just turned 30 (less than a month ago - spent my birthday in mum’s hospital room) and I’ve just lost my mum to breast cancer (less than a week ago) - so I am with you on that. She was such a huge part of my life. I’ve already had the ‘I understand because when nan died…’ consolations that just seem to make it worse because it is just not the same. I too keep looking for people that truly understand.

My grief started 4 years ago when mum was told her cancer had spread and was incurable. I suffered horrendous anticipatory grief for those 4 years, every hospital appointment, every scan and blood test, finding out about progression of disease and treatments no longer working, and having to watch mum suffer, watching her trying to process the knowledge that this was going to kill her. It was agony. My anticipatory grief was all taken to the next level of suffering 4 weeks ago when mum was taken into hospital and we knew the end was very near. I was with her 24/7 for those 4 weeks (since hospital admission to death in the hospice). I held her hand when she died. The 2 days that followed, I didn’t really cry. The not crying scared me - I was waiting for it to hit me. Now I am back home and haven’t left my bed for 2 days. I fear I am falling into a slump of depression. But I am determined to give myself permission to feel what I am feeling, when I am feeling it. You have to ride the waves of grief - that is the only way to make it through x

Louise - I have been thinking of you since we exchanged messages on here, following you posting that your dear Mum had died last Saturday, after being ill for such a long time. As you so rightly say, it doesn’t really help when people try to tell you that they understand your grief, as they have also been through it. You obviously had a very special relationship with your mother, which was unique between both of you. I am so sorry that since you returned home, you have just stayed in bed and feel so utterly miserable.
As well as joining our Online Community, which I hope is helping you in a small way, perhaps when you feel the time is right, you could also consider talking to someone about how you are feeling. As I think I previously mentioned, you could make contact with the hospice family support team. Also, if you have not already done so, your GP may be able to offer you some extra support at this really tough time.

Thank you Jackie. The hospice mum was in is too far from where I live to keep going back to. My GP has offered self-referral for counselling, which I guess I need to investigate, but that requires a certain level of motivation to arrange, and I’m not there yet x