Just lost my Mum

Terribly sorry to read your words about losing your mother - it is the worst pain and awful for those who are left behind. You need to feel it all and please do that and try and make time just to be still and process it all. I’ll be honest saying it’s going to take time. I am now eight months after losing my mother and was all over the place, especially first four months but what is left is the dull ache of loss, the realisation that sadly is it is forever.

Do keep reading posts here - it helps give you perspective and it will help somewhat but I think the bottom line is time and being still. People’s reactions are at times surprising, you might feel let down, disappointed and do not pretend it’s okay when it’s not. I think there is too much pressure to get over it.

Much love
Sandra x

I want to say hi and my sincere apologies to everyone here.
I have been watching my family one by one . I only have 2 children left for him to take!

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I don’t feel at this point there’s anything left to say

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Here if you do

Hi Louise,
I’m new on here after losing my mum on 29th October and this is my first post. I feel exactly as you describe about wanting the world to stop so you can get off.
I also lived next door to mum and spent my time with carers caring for her each day. I lost my dad 7 years ago which I still struggle with but now having lost mum I also have an empty house next door where I was born and grew up. I feel like all of my childhood has gone and I am so alone.
I have a supportive husband and three children but the aching emptiness and longing for my parents is unbearable.
I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone and that how you feel is shared by someone else too.
With love
Michelle x

Hi Michelle,
Losing our mams is the most devastating thing I can imagine happening to us in our lifetime. The emptiness and despair doesn’t fade but keeps crashing in huge waves, overpowering until I’m sobbing again for her. My mam left in November of 2021, so just over a year and it still feels like it’s happening now. We seem to live in a time warp, replaying the agony of wanting to go back to ‘normal’, having lost our place in the world. I want to be a little girl again when I felt safe and knew nothing of this pain. I can only imagine how it must feel to have had your mam living next door. I’m so pleased that you have a loving partner who will support you. My family abandoned me because I am so devastated by what has happened. I just miss her so much. All I want to do is join her, wherever she is in her spiritual journey beyond the world that we know.
I’m am so very sorry that your mam has left. I can’t say the ‘d’ word. Everyone here has lost their precious person and understands completely the trauma you are having to endure. Posting helps to get those emotions out of you People are kind, they listen and understand with no judgement. Even reading posts helps me to feel that I am not alone. I have found beautiful friendships here. I really don’t know how I would have survived this last year without them. You are very welcome to join us.
Going into a new year is especially hard because it seems like a vast emptiness that cannot be filled. Baby steps, small tasks, household chores, whatever you can do to fill in time will get you through the day. Give yourself credit for your achievements, however small. They count when all you want to do is hide from the world. Everything I do seems pointless but I do it anyway. We are told that in time we will learn to live alongside grief. It will forever walk beside us. I cannot imagine feeling ‘normal’ again. I understand that having children is a massive responsibility in maintaining that ‘normal’ world. You will find the strength within yourself to do what is required. I look at people now and wonder if I can spot those living with grief. It’s a whole new way of living.
Keep posting. Some people find a journal helpful. I tried but found posting here more accessible. It’s whatever works for you. I don’t understand why losing our mams is kept hidden until it happens. The shock of it has still not gone and I keep reacting to things I see or hear. We have no control and that is frightening. I hope you find some comfort in your memories of your time together. Remembering happy things makes me cry. And I’m off again! So I’ll go for now and hope to see you again soon.
Lots of love xxx

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Thank you for posting your lovely posts to Doreen I have read them all and they are helping me so much Its exactly how i feel. I lost my mum on Dec 30th and I am just about getting through each day

Hi Seychelles,
I’m glad it’s helping you to read posts. It really helped me. I’m part of a lovely group - Creating a shrine for my mam - and I don’t know how I would have got through the last year (lost mam Nov 2021 so just over a year) without their love, kindness and friendship. You are very welcome to join us. Losing our mams is the most devastating thing I can imagine in my lifetime. I still think it’s just happened and can’t fill in the void she has left in me. Little steps to get through each day brings you into the next. Words cannot describe the sorrow. I am so sorry you have lost your mam but remember she will always be with you because you are a part of her. I wonder if mam is my little robin in the garden. I stop to chat and she responds. Look for signs. Just after there were fluffy white feathers in the most random places, like on my front doorstep. Just the one. Little messages that she’s ok because that’s what I worry about.
This is a brutal journey and all you can do is swim with it. There will be some relief after a storm for you to catch your breath again. I know now that mam will never come back, I’ll never speak to her or see her again. But I hope to join her wherever she is in her spiritual realm. I have read there is no time there. You exist in a world of acceptance and love. Total peace. I look forward to being in that world in the future and I know she will be waiting for me. That is what I hang onto now and fill in my days doing things just to get through the time which has become another creature than it was before. There is now a before and after mam. I long to return to that ‘before’ world but know it’s not possible. So to fill in time now is all I have. Otherwise I would just sit and sob for her. Whatever you can find comfort in is worthwhile, even if it is just daily routines. Recognise the little wins in your day. Even getting out of bed is a win some days when all I want to do is hide. Keep going Seychelles. It’s all we can do now. And treasure your memories. That is where you will find your lovely mam. x
Lots of love xxx

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What you have wrote is so poignant to me. I cared fir my mum 24/7 until her passing on 16/11/22. I also do t feel I have a place in this world anymore. I have no children and the little family I did have, have turned their back on me. No one helped out with mums care, their guilt , not mine. So I am literally grieving alone.

My sister, who actually said to my mum, I am not caring you anymore, Jane can do it from now on. I did, I moved into my mums house and she used to call out for me in the middle of the night. Asking me to give her an injection, because she wanted to die. Some nights I actually slept on a duvet on the floor of her bedroom, so she would not be alone.

My mum was there for me all my life, indeed 2 years ago when my husband walked out, I would not be here now, if not for her support.

I was the one that was begging her to eat, she was giving up by then, I had tears streaming down my face, pleading with her to eat, offering her spoonfuls that she constantly pushed my hand away.

That is how she ended up in hospital, she died 6 days later, after I had promised to fulfill her wish, which was to die at home, sadly that didn’t happen


Hi Janebee,
Every ‘story’ on here is just as heartbreaking as the next and all we can do is give ourselves time to sit with what has happened. I still try to perfect the past, what I should have done or not done or done differently. Everyone turned on me as soon as mam wasn’t here to defend me. I didn’t know I was so disliked by my dad and sister (both have disowned me), my other sisters partner. The only one who talks to me is my sister up north but she is on anti depressants because she couldn’t function after and her texts and phone calls are so random that we don’t have a ‘relationship’. I have been agoraphobic with panic attacks for years and it seems mam was the only one who accepted me for who I am and what I am able to do. So I exist alone in a world of wanting to be with mam and will have no peace until I am with her. Apart from the lovely group on here I have been shown no empathy, which I find totally bizarre given that mam was such a beautiful, kind, loving person. I had to sit in the garden because my dad didn’t want to see or hear my grief. I wasn’t allowed to touch her things but when I went over again my sisters had chosen what they wanted from mams clothes and I had to go through the charity bags to get keepsakes to remember her by. I don’t understand how family can be so cruel. I just can’t make sense of it.
This journey is a nightmare we will never wake up from. Whatever you have to do to get through it is what you must do. It’s like we are living in some bizarre alternative reality. I push myself to go swimming and then imagine all the people around me dead, bobbing about in the water. I have cried in public and not cared (so unlike me). I keep telling people my mam has died and they don’t know what to say to me (random workmen / delivery men). I can’t accept what has happened because I cannot function without her. I don’t know who I am supposed to be now. I want her to visit me, like a ghost, but I’m still waiting. It feels like it’s just happened but it was a year ago gone Nov. Remembering mam makes me cry and I can barely look at her smiling face in pictures on the tribute site I did for her. Everything I do is for her. The shrine I created, the garden, the xmas decorations.
It is natural to go over every detail and try to understand what happened and why. But my therapist tells me to look at our lifetime together, that our loving relationship is not defined by the last couple of years when she was ill. I try to do that and go to my happy places in my head to remember her but it is so painful to imagine us in the garden at the old house, gardening together, having a scone sitting in the shade on the swing chair, picking fruits to make jam. I wish I was not me, that I was a better version of myself. My family keep telling me I am too much. But I can only be me. Mam loved me unconditionally. I cannot be someone else. The rest of my family is far from perfect. Yet they attack me rather than deal with their own feelings surrounding mam. Mam made everyone better than they are. Without her I see them not trying at all.
I live alone, am socially isolated (stalked by an ex and walked away from my life years ago) and now do not have the only person in the world who supported me and loved me for being me. My lovely mam. I feel I am just wandering through my life now, not able to work or try very hard to do anything, if at all. I’m not having a good day today. But I’ve learned that it is ok to not have a good day. I will have days which are productive. And I think of mam however I am managing to get through the day.
Posting really does help so keep reaching out. Someone will always be here. And even if you have to wait for a reply it will be worthwhile. Some have counselling which helps and there are phonelines to give a listening and supportive ear. Being immersed in grief is soul destroying but I cannot imagine not feeling anything and disregarding it (as my dad / sister has done). We are changed forever, tormented by the details of the illnesses our precious loved ones endured. But we will join them eventually. That is what I hang onto now, Everyday is defined by a future of meeting up with mam. So however hard it is now, and the pain unbearable at times, I know it’s just a matter of waiting, getting through the days, until I see her again. Mam was religious and I wish I had that faith as a comfort. I do believe there is a higher spiritual realm. It has to be better than this. And if it doesn’t exist we will just cease to be.
Just keep going. A daily routine of household chores can provide a timetable to get you started each day. I enjoy looking out at the garden, listening to the birds as I do my dishes and straighten up the house. I have learned to be alone. It made me really panic but I realise we are all alone in life. And it’s ok to be alone. If we organise our day and can get out for a walk or swim it can speed up the day. It won’t take away the grief. The sadness is all consuming. But it is beneficial to us if we can function physically, whatever is going on in our thoughts. Going through the motions of doing. We are part of a new world which we didn’t see before. So many heartbroken people. A kind word can make all the difference to us. And often it is from people we do not even know. That is why a site like this is a lifeline for so many. I cannot imagine not being part of this community.
Keep posting or reading if you can’t post. Keep reaching out. It does help, even if you think there is no point. x
Lots of love xxx

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Thank you so much Christine 51
I can relate to everything you have written. I will join the group you suggested because I need to try everything I can to help me. I am not coping at all. Some family members seem ok and this actually distresses me. How can they act ok? I went to see my mum today and she looked so different It really upset me . I wanted to leave but I also wanted to stay with her. I wrote a long card to her telling her all the things i had already told her but this time in writing. Left red roses with her and placed photos in her hand. I did everything for my mum and today I felt so helpless with nothing to do for her except stand there and look at her. My heart feels so heavy sometimes I think I cant get up. I went to her empty house today for the first time in a few days and it was heartbreaking. I tried to pretend she was in hospital but it didn’t work.It took the doctor a whole week to phone me after she died and thats the only phone call I had The pallitive care team said they would be there for me but there has been nothing no phone call nothing at all. I think you are right when you say before and after Mum. Its the start of a new chapter so to speak in my life but I dont want to start a new chapter. I just want her back. I am so sorry to go on like this but today has been so awful for me Thank you for replying to me x

Hi how do i join the group about the shrine please. is there a link

Hi Seychelles,
Sorry it’s taken me a while to respond. I’m in a sleep fog at the mo and have not long woken up. Think it’s the stress and exhaustion of always pushing myself to do things through the day, to fill up time so I can get to evening.
What you have done for your mam with the flowers and card is what I did too when I went to see her at the chapel of rest. I got such a fright because she did look so different. She didn’t have her glasses on and her hair was different. But after the initial shock I got used to it being mam now. I placed a tiny buddha in her purple fingers to accompany her on her journey and pink blossom so she would feel at home (there was a cherry tree outside the house). I stood holding her hand for the 2 hours each day I was allowed to visit her and sobbed and told her how much I love her. I’m crying remembering being there. The pungeant smell of the candle was strong in my nose for a longtime afterwards. I’m crying just thinking about it. I wanted to never leave her and to be able to go there forever. I was allowed 3 days until the funeral.
You will feel helpless now. Your role as carer for your mam has stopped. You will feel as though you have no purpose now. But you do. You carry your mam with you. She is beside you in all you do now. It will take much time to sit in your new role as bereaved daughter. When you need reassurance you have all your memories of caring for your mam and you can play daily routines like a film in your head. Some people are relieved to not see their loved ones in pain, to be released into a spiritual realm where there is no body to have to endure. My mam hid her pain and was gone within days of being told she had cancer. I still live with the shock of it and still try to make sense f it. Why didn’t I know, what could I have done … The list goes on. It’s all part of this grieving journey. I also see family members less affected and angry that I am so destroyed by losing mam. I don’t understand how they can carry on with life, put it behind them, that their world goes on without her in it. I wonder what their measure of love is.
It is heartbreaking to go back to the space where your mam lived. It was incredibly upsetting to see pictures of mam on the walls, see her old china teapots in the hall. But for me to not be bale to visit because my dad has disowned me and I cannot visit the house now means I only have memories to comfort me. You will have very happy memories of the two of you together. I return to those when I need my mam even though they make me cry.
I kept pretending that mam was just on holiday and it’s bizarre that I tricked myself into thinking I would have lots to tell her when she got back, and that feeling that I hadn’t spoken to her in a while. How I still long to trade places with her, so she can continue living and I would be free of this intolerable pain. It never ends, never goes away and all you can do is battle with yourself to keep going. I wish she had spoken to me before it all happened, to give me something good to cling onto. The mind searches for conversation.
My therapist tells me to not focus on the details of the ‘end’ but to celebrate the whole life, the loving relationship we shared as a mother and daughter, that the end doesn’t define the person. I find it so hard not to dwell on everything that was not perfect, things I should have said or done differently. Life is not perfect and living is not perfect because it wouldn’t be real. I am haunted by so many things. To punish myself is all I have left but it makes letting go of grief harder.
Not being told about your mam and then to have no care afterwards is appalling. You will be dealing with that as well as your mam leaving. There will always be additional things happen that are upsetting but I keep thinking the worst possible thing that can happen has already happened and anything else just doesn’t compare. I am a year into this journey and the only thing different is that the sobbing for her is not constant like it was (it can be triggered randomly) and I am functioning enough to have got through that time (don’t know how). People say be kind to yourself. Give yourself the space in which to grieve. Don’t pretend you are ok just because it annoys or makes other people feel uncomfortable. Nobody can tell you how to feel and when to be over it. My dad couldn’t wait to go out and buy new furniture. I still cannot understand it. Mam was and still is my world. I thought she was that to everyone. My sister said she was free now. I don’t know what that means. I think mam made everyone be a better version of themselves and now she isn’t here they can do and say whatever they want because she isn’t here to see it . So much has happened after she left that would have appalled her. I hang onto the fact that I love her more than this life and can’t wait to join her in the next. It’s like treading water until I see her again.
Never be sorry for expressing how you feel. This is why we are here on this site. I pour my heart out to anyone who will listen because I have to be heard. To get it all out is to release the pain and there is some relief in doing that. I’m so pleased you are here. Grieving is like a secret we knew nothing about before. To find friendship and understanding here is precious. And if it takes a while to get a reply just bear in mind how each person is coping with their own torment. When I’m busy, immersed in a project, be it the garden or my textiles, it feels very unreal and might seem like I’m getting on with life but it’s filling in time until I’m swept away again. I’m still in bed and have found it incredibly hard these last few days to be motivated to even get the dishes done. I imagine grief to be a stormy sea. All you can do is go with your emotions and feel whatever it is at that moment. We learn to live alongside grief but it never goes away. It is a new friend you can’t shake off. But mam is always there, holding my hand, telling me it will be ok.
Lots of love xxx

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Hi again,
Type in the search bit ‘Creating a shrine for my mam’ under ‘Losing a parent’ topic and that should bring up the group. I find this site a bit confusing. When we reply to one another we should get emails but they have stopped for me so I just have to pop in randomly to check who is posting. Will look out for you and see if you are there. x

Hi Christine. If I tried to explain, the reasons behind this lowly place, I am now in , would require a book. So I will try and keep it concise. My sister has always been a manipulative, narcissistic person, even when we were very young, she would not allow me to hang out with her, or her friends. When I got to my teens, she used me to take me down to nightclubs, because between the two of us, I was, shall we put it, easier on the eye. Therefore attracting males.

She met someone, who shall we say, was less than desirable. Indeed, it was with this man? She went onto steal from my mum. She was by now taking drugs and living in a run down area, neither of them working.

Fast forward 20 years, she met a University lecturer , 19 years her senior, he was in a relationship, but she got herself pregnant, so they had a shotgun wedding.

My mother who by then took on the role of looking after her first grandchild at the age of 72, as my sister claimed she had PND, however, this did not stop her from going to China town for meals etc. She never gave my mum a dime for her daughters care, not fir nappies, food etc. Would promise mum she would be round to collect her child and then never show up, they lived less than 10 minutes away. If my mum challenged her she would turn lt around and say am I not entitled to a lie in!

The bond my mum and niece had was beautiful, much to my sisters disgust, jealousy, so she destroyed it. Hence the first part of my mothers decline.

Then my sister decided she didn’t want or indeed have the room no more for me and my mum at Christmas last year, meaning 2021. It was so sad, just me and mum.

So my mums health deteriorated and despite my sister living across the road from my mum, she ceremonially handed the caring role to me. I lived at my mums for the last few years of her life. I lived further away and cannot drive.

My sister stole 2 rings, one meant for her the other for me, of which she had attached a note explaining this.

The funeral arrangements, I was left out of , the flowers and the memorial pamphlet included pictures of all the family, aside from me.

I went to the funeral, her family was on one side, I was on the other.

She has brainwashed my father into hating me, so she will be fully entitled to all the estate, even though my mum had a Will drawn up in my favour. It was not witnessed by 2 people as is the Law.

My mother was elderly and not in the best health, but what ultimately killed her was, she died from a broken heart, fractured by my sister dividing the family straight down the middle.

Hence, without any children and my husband leaving in 2020, I am grieving alone. I wish you well, fully understand what you are feeling/going through, here if you need me . Take care x

HI Janebee,
Your sister sounds delightful! I am so pleased your mam had you to care for her and love her. You have to keep in mind there are people in this world are are so insecure they become manipulative and spiteful but when it is all over they will be living inside of their own heads and will have to come to terms with their actions. The thing with the rings reminds me a little of how my mam’s clothes were dealt with by my sisters, leaving me to rummage through what was left so I would have keepsakes to remind me of her. We were all promised sets of her very old china and my sister wants to the one I was promised from being little, just because she wants what I have. It is for sentimental reasons and not what it could be worth than upsets me. We would play tea parties as children and had our favourites because of the colours / patterns. And now that my dad has cut me out of his life I’m sure I won’t see anything at all of what mam promised. I remember telling mam how my sister was fighting about it and she said she would split up all the sets and I agreed it was a good idea. But like you said, not having it in writing, or witnessed (have you checked whether it is dated and in your mam’s hand writing?) makes it very difficult to contest. I could never understand why families were so nasty around possessions but I can see it is quite common. It seems whoever is favourite will be in charge. I can’t even think that far ahead.
Details of the past, especially the last few years, will always be there to torment you and it is so hard to not go over old ground. If you can try to ‘box up’ what has happened in your mind, write it down, get it out of yourself. Counselling would be helpful in the short term to deal with these issues so that you can move forward from them. But it is so very difficult to let go, especially when it is unfair. Having children seems to be ammunition for some in a wider agenda. But your mam will always know who really loved her and cared for her. We cannot control what others do and just hope that we are ‘rewarded’ for being good. And to have loved and been loved is the most precious reward. It was very spiteful to not include you in the pamphlet etc. Your sister must feel very envious of you to behave so badly. But I am glad that you went. You could create an online tribute to your mam (check out 'muchloved.com ). I found it a comfort to have detailed all the funeral and photos albums, hymns and songs etc. I update regularly to show mam she is with me always.
I hope you find some peace eventually. If you keep posting you will find some relief and make new friendships as I have done. It is heartbreaking that family members behave badly because our mams aren’t here to see it. But you will always be with your mam. Just recall lovely memories of the two of you. They can never be taken away.
Lots of love xxx

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Christine 51
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. Thank you for taking the time to say all the things I am feeling. I just want to join my mum. My only relief from all this is sleep and I can’t sleep until the early hours of the morning then on waking it hits me like a living hell.
I did everything with my mum. She lived 40 miles away from me but I visited her at least 4 times every week and stayed overnight and sometimes several nights with her. She was 89 yrs but still had a wonderful zest for life and didnt want to die. I took her on holiday to North Wales for 10days last Sept and she was walking in Snowdonia and paddling in the Sea having a wonderful time. We had the most amazing road trip of a holiday staying at different places each night. We went to the theatre, shops, cinema,spa days together and it was whilst staying with her that she started to become ill. One morning she said she felt sick and was violently sick on and off for 2 nights so i phoned for an ambulance and into A and E she went at 6.30am in the morning. The doctor put her on fluids and told me it was an infection and she would have antibiotics. I was so pleased and went home to get fresh nighties etc for her. On arrival at her house 10 mins away the phone was ringing and another doctor said she had had a ct scan and it showed her she had a blockage in her bowel and her kidneys had packed in heart not great and blood pressure low. Death was imminent i was told over the phone. I was asked what were the family’s views on resuscitation. I couldnt believe what i was hearing so i went back to the hosp immediately. Cutting a long story short two doctors were waiting for me and i had a difficult conversation about resuscitation in A and E beside my mums bed and with visitors sitting with patients in the cubicle with just a curtain between us. When i said I wanted them to resuscitate my mum they made me feel terrible saying it was a cruel decision and they felt the wrong one. I begged them to do everything they could to save her. Within 2 hrs one of the doctors came back to apologise because a nurse had asked them to because she felt they had not handles it properly and he agreed they hadn’t so apologised. He then went on to say they had over ruled my decision and the form stating no resuscitation had been signed by a senior doctor. He told me she would die that night. I stayed with my mum in A and E and she improved so much the nurses were excited on telling the next shift how well she had progressed in a few hours. Her kidneys had started working ,her heart was all fine as the monitor showed the readings and her blood pressure although in the average had improved from low. At this stage I thought there was real hope. When the initial doc came back that evening he was negative and said things are still bad. I pointed out all the improvements but he wasnt interested. He said they were going to put her on a ward the next day,have a private room and would probably last 2 days. Talk about being devastated. Next day thats what happened. She had a single room . They told me they would see how she would respond in a few days and if no improvement they would withdraw intervention. At this point the only intervention was fluids and a nebulisher as she had had half her lung removed 4 yrs ago due to cancer and needed help sometimes. They stopped all food and drinks except water so she went down hill fast. Really fast. I used to sneak her sips of my tea just to keep her going but as I was in a room behind the nurses desk this was difficult to do. After about 6 days and my mum hadn’t passed I aske d to see a doctor I was told the doctor had visited my mum every morning. i dont think they knew I had slept in the armchair every night and was there every morning and i informed them I had been there every minute of every day and no doctors had come in not even to say Good Morning I asked again to see a doctor and 9 hrs later went to see what was going on as i hadnt had a visit from any doctor. I was told the doctor had come up to the ward but there was nothing he could tell me as it was the weekend and they were all singing from the same hymn sheet and there was nothing more they could tell me. I think I nearly lost the plot and started crying explaining I had questions I wanted to ask and time was running out. They eventually said they would ping a doctor from A and E to come to the ward but they were very busy and may take hours. I explained my mum had spent 16hrs in an ambulance when she came in and time was running out for her and in respect to the doctors I said i know they are busy but we were on borrowed time with my mum. Anyway after 2 hrs a lovely lady doctor came to see me and explained about the blockage being a hernia in the small intestine and they could operate because of my mums age. Again I begged them to try. Asked if she could have a laxative or emema but apparently no wasn’t possible. At least I knew a little bit more. At this point I was desperate as mum was getting weaker and weaker. I smuggled in drinks for her and jelly. God knows what would have happened had I been caught but I did it anyway I needed to build her strength so she could get out of there. They were just waiting for her to die. I wasn’t allowed to use the kitchen on the ward because of H and S nor the toilets as staff only I had to walk a hell of a long way to the nearest toilets and am myself recovering from bowel cancer so was a nightmare situation to be in . I went to a private hospital begging them to take her but they had the same consultant so that was pointless. A hospital in London were going to take her to do a hernia op but was 5 hrs travelling away and mum had by now been starved for 10days and was too weak to travel there. My only hope was to get her home and out of the hospital. My thoughts at the time were to build her strength up and fingers crossed she could get well enough to go to London. Pallitive care team were involved when i said i wanted to take her home. I honestly thought they would be so different and more compassionate. How wrong! The first visit mum had from them involved 5 people coming into the room 2 Pallitive care female doctors the ward sister and 2 other nurses. I was in the room also with mum. The one doctor sat by her bedside and asked her did she know why she was going home to which she replied yes because the hospital couldn’t operate. The doctor then asked her did she understand what fast tracking her meant and she said no. So it was explained to her it was because she was dying and then asked how did she feel about that. Mum replied sad, At this point I asked them to stop and leave us alone so I could talk to my mum. After they left the room I explained to mum that no one knew exactly what would happen and that we would have hope etc and the priority was to get home to build her strength up. I feel really cross that there was no communication with me prior to that chat with her. They also informed her she could eat and drink anything she wanted Can you honestly believe it after starving her for 12 days by now. One doctor said i could give mum porridge but to add milk. When the doc left the sister on the ward told me I couldn’t use the kitchen or bring bought food in. So that was the end of that. They were struggling to get carers for mum and tried to block her going home even asking me if I was really desperate to get my mum home maybe i would be willing to have her home without carers but that would depend if i was willing to take the burden on myself. That was said by a Pallitive care doctor to me in front of my mum. I instantly informed her it was not a burden but a priviilge and said it in such a tone of disgust. Even the nurse in the room couldnt believe it. I slept on the chair next to mum in the hosp for 17 nights Fast forward and mum came home 5 days later and was so happy at home. I made all the meals she could wish for and tried so hard to get liquid kind of food eg soups yoghurt etc. She had a shringe driver in but i was always asking what were they putting in it and up until the last few days it was only anti sickness meds and something to stop her hands from swelling. I had real quality time at home with mum and slept on the settee alongside her bed for 21 nights. I was able to thank her for everything and told her I loved her so many times I am so grateful for that time. Mum passed on Dec 30th with my son holding her hand one side and me the other. If only they had operated or put a stent in she would still be here. they wrote her off because of her age and i can never forgive them. I am so lost without here Every aspect of my life is worthless. Am so sorry for going on and on. Please forgive me but I am struggling so much to cope.


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Seychelles, I honestly am lost for words. I am in floods of tears reading this. It is unbelievable on so many levels. Have you considered an investigation? I honestly don’t know whether I would fight them for some kind of justice to make their decisions accountable, or to let it all go because it won’t make a difference to your mam being gone now. I have read a lot of very upsetting scenarios on here but this leaves me speechless. I remember being in a real state about when mam would leave us because I had to go home and return the next day and the head nurse sat me down like a child to tell me it would take mam a few days to reach the end. It is the most horrific experience I have had (I’ve had breast cancer twice) or can imagine having, to have to wait knowing it is the end. But it really didn’t sink in until afterwards because of the shock. I am so so sorry you have had to battle the hospital when all you needed was for them to do everything they could to help your lovely mam. But I am so very pleased that you got her home and had time together where you could tell her everything you wanted to and she knew you did everything you could to help her. I had no private time with mam because my family wouldn’t leave the room so I could be with her. My sister was even timing how long I could sit next to her in the chair. I didn’t want a shared experience. I wanted to be with mam on my own, to tell her all the ways in which I love her.
Your mam has a vibrant, strong spirit. She will be somewhere beyond the world we know and will be waiting for you to join her in the future. That is what I want to believe and if it’s not true I’ll feel really cheated. You can watch people on you tube who have come back from the spiritual world because it wasn’t their time to go. It gave me some comfort. My therapist also believes and has had clients tell him similar experiences. Religions the world over believe in an afterlife and I wish I was part of a religion that could guarantee where mam is and that she will be waiting for her.
You are a wonderful daughter. Remember that. Remember all the lovely things from your holiday to counter balance whatever trauma’s pop into your head. Write a list of your holiday and the special things you did. What were your favourites? Be ready with those thoughts. The more you return to them the more you will fight against the despair. It’s whatever you can do to stop from drowning in the details of what happened. Accepting that you had no control is hard but you got your mam home and she would have been so grateful to you for that. And then having the time you had together is something not everyone has. It is precious. Mam left us in her sleep but her eyes opened when she was gasping her last breaths. I was staring into her eyes and talking to her while the nurses checked on her and told us she had gone. I will never forget her last gasps for life. She didn’t want to leave us and the nurses were amazed she kept going as long as she did. I still cannot accept she is gone. I would still give her my life now if I was given the chance. You are just starting this awful journey. It doesn’t get easier. I think going over and over the details we cannot accept wears us out after a time and we begin to do it less because we know the answers will never change. It becomes foggy and at a distance. But then it will smack me again. I wake up every day wishing I hadn’t. That dull ache for her to be here. It becomes thicker, more dense, less detailed than at the start. But I can recall everything.
Sorry, I should be full of encouraging things to say but I still can’t believe it is true. All the details surrounding the end are torture because no matter what you do you cannot change them. This is something that now defines us. We cannot return to who we were before. Each day will be shaped by the thoughts in your head. And all you can do is take it. I can’t understand how some people aren’t torn apart by it. I really can’t.
I know you are in such pain but is writing it down, getting it out of you helping in some way to process what has happened? Sometimes I still think I’m in shock. My therapist tells me that the end does not define the lifetime of that person and their relationships, and that we should look at the content of the life, not the details of the end. I understand in theory but still cannot let go. I just want her back, or to be with her wherever she is. My mam was nearly 80. I didn’t even see her as an old lady. She was just my mam, a shorter version because she kept losing half an inch a year!
Nothing can prepare us for this, whether it’s quick or a long illness, or a battle for care. Your mam knew she was loved and you were with her and did everything you possibly could. You couldn’t have done more than you did. Hang onto that. Just hang on to everything that is good and kind and loving between the two of you. I’m sure your mam will be sensing your distress and leave you signs that she is near, like my feathers and little robin (messengers from loved ones).
Have you thought about counselling? I think there will be a waiting list here. You could reach out to your GP for a referral. Have you told them how awful your experience with the hospital has been? That in itself is trauma. And if you aren’t sleeping try Zopiclone (the higher dose) through your GP. It got me back into a sleeping pattern so I could at least be awake during the day. Phoning Samaritans is another good option when you really need to be heard. They say time heals. I think time makes you accept you can’t change things and become so worn down that you just want to get through the day so you can sleep.
Reading your post is truly heartbreaking. I hope that posting what you feel will help long term. It did help me to process and work through it all because if I hadn’t I really don’t believe I would be here now. It takes enormous courage to face what has happened and keep going. You will find the strength. You already have done by finding us here. I wish I had a magic wand to make wishes come true. I would wish to have never existed at all to avoid this heartache. It is relentless.
I’ll go now so you can read my post. I do tend to immerse myself in how I feel and hope it gives you courage to know that we are all broken and lost. Being lost together helps a little. See you tomorrow. x
Lots of love xxx

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Oh Christine thank you so much for reading my post. I googled about blockages in the small intestine and hernias but still had questions so I asked the pallitive care nurse who phoned me when my mam came home if she could let me know or find out what sort of hernia mam had. She had called the previous week to make a home visit and I was told mam had superseded all their expectations in living so long. Can you believe it ? Anyway she said she would ring back the next day which she did and informed me that mam had a closed loop in her small intestine and it was likely a hernia. So all along the hernia hadn’t been confirmed. I had been told by the doctor I asked to see on the ward that night the blockage was caused by the hernia. The lack of communication was awful from start to finish. I googled all about closed loops and realise my mum had no chance without an emergency operation and they had by this time left her for almost a month so there was no chance for her. Yes it was the best thing that she came home. I felt in more control as it was mums house and they were guests in her house. After having slept on the chair in the hospital with no blanket or pillow with my head resting on the sink being home was pure luxury. I was in control of making her food and giving her whatever drinks she wanted and as often as possible. Mum had had half a lung lobe removed 4 yrs ago because of cancer so having another operation was dangerous I know At the time though I was desperate to keep her and would have tried anything. I have a brother and sister who live in London and Portsmouth and only came down the first few days mum was in hospital stating they were working and giving all sorts of excuses when i kept telling them to come down to see her or to help me . I gave up with them to be honest and just got on with everything myself . I had wonderful help from carers as I couldn’t lift mum due to my own recovery from cancer. Mum and I had cancer the same time and helped each other through it. We then got Covid together and were very ill but I stayed at her house and helped her get better and we both recovered. This time I didn’t have what she had and I feel so guilty. One day when i passed my mums bed she said something and i didn’t understand her so asked her to say it as loud as she could and slowly. She said Thank you for everything you have done for me. I just cried and cried and told her Please don’t thank me its a privilage. I live 40 miles away from mums house so after 17 nights in the hosp chair and a further 3 weeks sleeping on a settee I am only now getting used to sleeping in a bed. Sounds daft but it is.
Yes I have found writing it all down has helped me so much. Reading other peoples posts have been overwhelming. I realise now that there are so many people out there like me and my feelings are the same as others. Its just 9 days since mum passed and I am just existing by wandering around my house trying to get through the day. Because I had Pallitive Care for mum when she passed I didn’t need to call the GP when it happened. The Acute Response Team were telephoned and came to the house. The undertaker who is a family friend and worked with my mum years ago came the next day and was wonderful. He said he would contact the registrar who in turn would email me with an appointment to go to see them I had the email last Thurs stating they would telephone with an appointment Still haven’t heard anything from them so its been 9 days and I haven’t even registered mums death. Last Friday the GP rang me asking for details about mums actual final minutes and who was in the room etc stating he had a form to complete It was so distressing. When I went to see mum on Sat the undertaker said he was cross the GP had taken so long to phone me. So tomorrow I hope I get the phone call so I can start making arrangements. I am dreading the coming week with so much to see to. Like you I didnt see my mum as being old. Old age certainly crept up on her as far as mobility was concerned but in every other way she was such great fun and my best friend in everything I did. Thanks a million for listening to me x