Just lost

I lost my best friend in June to cancer. She was diagnosed 3 years ago which meant we knew it was happening but managed to have fun.

All of my friends were around her during her illness, we all took it in turns to go round to see her, we were even together on her bed the day she died.

I keep feeling like she’s gone on holiday and not taken her phone. I want to text me so I can tell her off for leaving me but I know I can’t.

I’m not coping well at all and feel bad for not coping. I’m suffering from anxiety, I don’t sleep. I’m currently off sick from work as I seem to have hit a wall and I was tired of pushing the thoughts of her to the back of my head. When I do think of her I get that horrible tugging weighting feeling in my chest and I’m scared to let my feeling run freely. Anyone have any suggestions?

Hi Angelaj. Only those on here can know how you feel. Your friend was obviously very close and your suffering is like losing a family member. Just as painful. Grief is grief. wherever it happens or who it happens to.
Feeling as if she has gone on holiday is good, because she has. You can talk to her. I talk to my wife often and I know she is listening.
Please don’t feel bad for not coping. We all feel we should do better but you can’t regulate or control deep emotions. Grief is a process that takes time. You will never forget, but the pain does diminish if only a little.
Don’t be scared of letting emotions go. Bottling up will cause anxiety. Turning inward is what so many of us do. Memories will happen, of course they will, but let them come. Be emotional. That tugging weighty feeling is pent up emotion.
Never be ashamed or embarrassed to express emotion. If you are with someone who doesn’t understand then it can be difficult if we are suddenly overwhelmed, as often happens.
Your friend was a good friend and fun, so keep that in your memory and try to remember the good times. Difficult? Yes it is, but nothing is easy in this situation. Please don’t lose touch. There is so much help to be had here. Take care.

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