just not with it..

**rant warning
it’s been nearly 4 months since my Mom passed away, 3 years since my Dad died and 5 years since my marriage ended. not even sure why i wrote it like this. perhaps to remind myself that i’ve been through quite a lot and perhaps to justify or validate how i feel right now.
the anger seem to have subsided somewhat. i found the “cure” and it’s forgiveness. but it’s not a magic wand. it’s a process, a looooooooooooooooooong process. i am tired. i am so tired of this whole process of grieving.
i’m looking at my face, my eyes look vacant and sad. my body especially my gut and hips are fat as i’ve put on about a stone in weight from the comfort eating and drinking in the last 4 months. i’m looking at my work desk and i’ve got piles of work which i’ve not done. my office is a mess. the house is a mess. i’m a mess.
intellectually and consciously i KNOW why i’m doing this and i KNOW what’s i’m supposed to do - be gentle with myself or try to do the best i can while i go through this, have a rest, take it one day at a time bla bla bla…but i just can’t seem to pacify myself at all. and i can’t seem to just BE WITH THIS. all these words just seem to be like pouring water on a duck’s back. i’ve developed a teflon coating of self-pity and a velcro of self-sabotage.
i have no “mojo” to be as productive at work as i used to . my creativity is awol. my sense of humour is malfunctioning. i’m hypervigilant and hypersensitive.
I’m moping and wallowing a lot more than i’d like. I’m not doing much housework. i am doing the bare minimum of waking up, hauling my body out of bed to shower, put my clothes on, look presentable(ish), drive to work and just going through the motion - there is no heart, no passion, no joy.
i try to go for my usual walks but i’m not getting as much out of it as I used to. i still indulge in some of my hobbies but again, not getting any lasting uplifts or satisfaction. i would meet up with friends for a catch up but i feel like the worst company ever and having to “be positive” is so much hard work, i feel so exhausted when i got home and it would take a whole week for me to recover.
i’ve been eating lots of carbs and sugary food, i’d buy a whole pack of 5 doughnuts and eat them before lunch! i’d have oodles of pot noodles, pasta at lunch and have more rice or pasta for tea when i get home. i’m drinking more than i should. i have bursts of inspirations and thought “oh yea, i’m okay today, i’m on the mend” and then the next day i’m back to being a big fat hungry slug.
i would listen to podcasts, have sleep meditation plugged into my ears as i go to sleep and i still wake up with anxiety and sense of dread that i’ve to go through another of THIS.
at this moment, i feel as though all the inner work i’ve been doing in the last 5 years seem to amount to nothing…
what is worse is i teach people how to meditate and be mindful and i feel like a complete and utter fraud!! words just roll of my tongue and deep inside, i am just slowly rotting away, hoping they wont find out that i’m not practising what i’m teaching right now.
i feel tired. i feel fat. i feel ugly. i feel empty.

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Hi Jude,

I am so sorry to read your message. My amazing dad died in April, and it is so difficult, I feel a lot like you do - there is no energy to do anything, no enjoyment, even the most simple tasks takes so much effort to do. There are days when I have binged eaten, and going out and meeting with people, I don’t want to do it. The anxiety is terrible at times, and I am having to take Diazepam again intermittently because coping is so difficult on some days.

All I can say is please be kind to yourself. That’s a phrase you will read here often, and it is true. We are grieving, our lives are very difficult, and we are entitled to be kind to ourselves. Your weight is irrelevant, the only thing that is relevant is your wellbeing, and hopefully, with help from people here, you might feel a bit better. There is no magic bullet here, just people who know the pain you are suffering because we are suffering the same, and you can post here without anyone judging you.

All the best.

thank you so much…especially for saying that my weight is irrelevant :relaxed: her happily saying this while munching on a wispa bar with raisin and nuts !!
i’m so sorry about your Dad’s passing too.
i am relieved to read your “me too” story, makes me feel less isolated in my own head. although i know that i am not the only who have lost parent(s) but the loss seem to make us rather insular and feel separated from the rest of humanity.
yes, the anxiety is quite persistent. i feel like i’ve got a stalker who’ve moved in with me. it’s there when i wake up, walks beside me all day long and have meals with me and watch tv with me and also there in the bathroom !!!
i take Ignatia 30C by Weleda at the moment to help ease the symptoms. i “should” be doing yoga, more meditation and all the other self-care things listed on google, but …there’s always a but, isn’t there?
thank you Abdullah, your words have comforted me and i hope all of us will ride this out…

Thank you. Before I found this site, I was getting very stressed out. It had been two months since my amazing dad had died, and I was feeling worse than ever. My landlord was telling me I need to go out and live my life, people had stopped asking me how I was and were acting as if I was ok, yet every day was absolutely awful. It was only after I came to this forum and read what others were saying did I realise that there are others going through the same, that this is normal for many people, that there is no time limit for grief, that it is ok to not be ok, and it makes you feel better because you then realise you’re not going insane.

It must be so difficult to have lost both your parents, at least I am grateful that I still have my mum. Do you have other close family who help you?

As for your weight, that is your business, no one else’s - eat as many Wispas as you feel you need to! I think it is important to try and eat healthily but when you’re depressed you’re entitled to comfort eat without feeling angry at yourself.

yes i do get a lot of well-meaning people giving me well-meaning advice on “how to deal with my grief”. at this moment in time as much as i need the support and compassion from those around me, i felt quite upset and annoyed when people keep offering me tips and advice or trying to tell me what to do with this grief. it’s not that i don’t appreciate their sentiment, and i’m not being ungrateful or ignorant but i KNOW pretty much what TO do. and i guess it upsets me more because i’m not doing all those things i’m “supposed” to be doing in order to help myself through this, this just makes me feel even worse! it’s not that i don’t want to do those things, i just can’t seem to right now.
i suppose this is not what i need right at this moment. i guess right now i just need a space/place to just be heard, to have this grief and pain witnessed. if that makes sense…? and yes finding a safe space like this forum does provide that. the “me too” is the most relieving thing i’ve heard so far. like you said, to know that we’re not the only ones, that we’re not going crazy and that this is normal…

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Exactly - we know what we should be doing, but being able to do it is the difficult part, and so we do need a space where we can just say what a rubbish day we are having and no one will tell us what we should be doing.

Grief sucks completely. I’ve been trying to clear out my parents house today, filled a whole skip and barely touched the surface

Grief does suck! And if we don’t feel like doing all those amazing things well meaning friends tell us we should be doing then there’s no reason why we should. Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them, that’s what they say. And we don’t need to judge ourselves harshly, look what we’ve been through and survived, that’s pretty amazing. We need to let ourselves just be. Love to all x

Hi Jude,

Thank you for sharing this…even though it was a rant for you, i felt like I related to it slightly so it made me feel better. I laughed slightly that you referred to yourself as hungry fat slug :snail: only because I’m sure it’s not true!

My mum died just over a year ago, my dad…when I was little - I don’t really have any memories of him so I’m unsure if it’s affected me or not but since my mum, I am like you…I am doing things I “should” be doing, socialising, working, spending days out with my son but it brings me nothing - no joy, no job satisfaction, I’m angry, I’m annoyed and I can’t be bothered. I will see friends and by the time I get home I’m exhausted from pretending to be great, yet if I don’t pretend to be great I will bore them with my boring depressiveness or I will take my son out for the day, we will have a nice time but then he will go bed at 9pm…and so will I! Literally no energy or motivation.

You should be kind to yourself, but you know that. You should take every day as it comes but I also believe you should just go with it, if you want to eat 5 donuts then so what…pot noodles are great so go for them! If you want to shout from the rooftops how angry you are, do it. No one can tell you how you should or shouldn’t be feeling and you are free to behave (within reason) however you want.

I’ve always been a bit of a hot head, I will go with what I feel and deal with the consequences after…but since my mum I’ve told Into a bit of a wild child…I think she was so fit, so young (54) didn’t drink, didn’t smoke and it didn’t help…so now I have no one to turn to and no one to tell me right from wrong, I’ve just turned 30 so I still need a mother’s guidance along the way lol so I too sometimes eat packs of donuts before my dinner!

Anyway this is going a little of track now, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I hope you have been having better days since you posted this xxxxxx

Hi I completely understand where you are at, my beautiful mum passed suddenly two months ago and some days I think I’m moving forward but then cry , over eat for comfort, generally feel lost. Clearing her stuff was so hard , I just can’t process that she is gone.
Grief is so unpredictable and the hardest thing I have faced.
Really feel what you all are facing.
Wish everyone much love

Hi it’s so sad to read your message as it sounds exactly like me. My mum passed away in dec 2019 and I can’t seem to pull myself out this bottomless pit. I have just totally given up and don’t really care about anything anymore. Wish I could move on and remember my mum for the fantastic woman she was instead of having to push her to the back of my mind so as to stop myself having a total breakdown. I really hope for find some peace soon x

Hello all of you grieving for a parent, probably I shouldn’t be on here because I’ve lost my husband recently. But I’ve also lost both my mum and dad, a long time ago now and know just what you are ping through. Jude, you have had a terrible time losing both your Mum and Dad so close to each other and marriage break up. I am amazed that you’re coping so well, eating loads of carbs is hardly a sin . There’s a great big hole that has to be filled right now and you need that comfort. I promise it doesn’t last forever , though it feels like your broken heart will never mend, but it does take a long time.Abdullah and Jomacca, time will ease the pain, that’s the only thing, nothing you can do to hasten itI’m sorry to say, just try to let yourself go with the flow and don’t fight your grief and tears. But one day you will be able to look back and remember happy times, I know it seems impossible now but trust me, you wil. And Tasha my heart aches for you losing your Mum so young. My Mum died at 56 on my first son’s first birthday, so I can really understand how you feel, so unfair for her to be robbed of all the things you should have shared. And then seeing girls out with their Mums, shopping, having a coffee, I could go on.Just too painful and unfairAll
I can say is chin up, if you can, the sun will come out again one day for al of you. Sending love and a hug if I could x.


Jomacca and Laura, just read your sad posts too, hope my message will be of some help to you both too. Keep posting, everyone here is lovely .x

Hello Jude … your post could be mine! I feel exactly the same! I have absolutely no motivation, don’t care about anything much any more! It’s a horrible feeling and not at all like I used to be.

My husband died fifteen months ago after less than a month of being diagnosed with cancer… previously both our sons had died 2012 and 2017 aged 33 and 33. I just can’t believe it’s just me left now!

I have been eating toast all day long etc … been shielding so have had a good excuse to isolate. I totally get what you mean about how exhausting it is being with others! I try to avoid it as much as I can … I just fake it all the time. People say you are always smiling and laughing you are doing so well. Well all I can say is I’m glad they can’t read my mind. I have friends who were friends with both of us a c they keep trying to include me in their family occasions … I really really can’t fave playing happy families … I sound dreadful saying that I know.

I need a to jet behind me I think … we were married 43 1/2 years so it’s all so strange.

I feel like everyone I love dies … must be me. My mum is 90 so I suppose I have to expect it sometime … dad is 88.

What a life …:. I really didn’t think this would be my life. Thankyou for posting … I at least feel that you and others probably are feeling the same. I wish none of us knew this pain.

Take care … hugs from me, Sue x

It is difficult, Laura, to sometimes remember your brilliant mum for the woman she was because of the pain that accompanies your memories of her. I hope at this forum you will be able to talk about her and feel a bit more at peace.

(@Jude, hope you’re doing ok).

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Oh Sue your post made me cry(again!!) I know how you feel, having lost your husband of so many years, my Malcolm died 3 months ago and we would have been married 49 years at the end of this month. His birthday next week, dreading it When you’ve been together such a long time you almost become each other don’t you so it feels like you’ve lost everything. I am struggling to cope without him and I know what you mean about others perception of you. “You’re doing so well, etc’ you’re so strong and on and on” it’s such an effort, smiling and laughing and then you go home and break down by yourself. And no, you can’t bear to be around others playing happy families when yours is all broken. Ina way I’ve been glad I was shielding, so I didn’t have to spend lots of time with people, no matter how lovely and we’ll meaning. And that makes me feel awful and ungrateful too but we aren’t ourselves and probably won’t ever be again. How you are coping I honestly don’t know and I realise that one person’s grief pales into insignificance compared with what you are faced with. Sending you love and a massive virtual hug. Something we’ve really missed while shielding, a lovely hug would be no amazing wouldn’t it. Look after yourself xxxxxx

Hi abd Thankyou for replying. All our losses are awful to us as individuals I suppose … I gkad we have been shielding as that has been my excuse for being a hermit. I do t know what the solution is really … it’s just so hard. I feel like having a toddler tantrum aNd shouting and screaming … I just want him back. You are right … you become like one person … I feel utterly broken and dont know how I will live for years like this. I hope I dont live to be really old! I don’t know where to start really … no motivation to help myself. I’m not used to putting myself first … after a lifetime of having a houseful of others to consider. I never mind see that either … I don’t know how to be me any more don’t even know who I am. Now I’m dreading having to visit my parents as things start getting back to normal … a terrible th in g to admit really! Another terrible thing to admit is that I am jealous of them … they have been married 67 years ., my dad has a bit of memory loss aNd hearing loss and it’s hard for my mum at her age. But I feel like bellowing at her at least he is here for you to moan about! How awful is that.

I have a good friend and her husband who are coming to stay for a few days in September time so will get some real hugs. My grandchildren have been to see me just in the garden but haven’t hugged any of them yet! I didn’t realise how much I would miss touch… I just want him back and I know that is stupid and impossible.
Sending you hugs and many thanks. Stay safe aNd take care of yourself. Sue :butterfly::two_hearts::butterfly:

Hello Sue. I’ve got a friend who recently pointed out life is sometimes a shit sandwich. Awful but true! Have just been down to our local to pick up up three take out Sunday dinners( three!:broken_heart:) and there were all these happy laughing people outside. I just felt so jealous and I know that’s awful but couldn’t help it. Like you I was used to a houseful and used to looking after people. Malcolm was type one diabetic since 16 and it had become harder for him to keep stable so I did need to make sure he was ok and bring him round from hypos, much more so lately. Had a horrible dream last night that he was having a really bad hypo and woke up with palpitations and really upset. Have wanted to dream about him but never have in 3 months. Careful what you wish for! II’m seeing my grandchildren from London for the first time this week and am so desperate for a hug, it’s killing isn’t it. No one tells you it could be so bad but I guess we just have to keep facing each day until we manage some semblance of a life. Take care, sending love and wishes for a proper hug xxxxx

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This resonated with me so much. I hate how I feel and look. I’ve lost my sparkle. My mood swings are a worry coupled with menopause. The paranoia, and loneliness is overwhelming. I want me back. But I dont know where to start.

Hi Deedee

Exactly … where do we start. Have we even got the motivation … I can do stuff for others but not for myself! I’m so not used to putting myself first a d now I have no one to put before me! It’s such a strange feeling. Like if I need anything new for the house or garden it’s so hard making a decision without sharing it! I just do t know where to start … I don’t even cook properly for me … just something on toast. I wish I could kick myself into touch! But I still feel like half a person.

Hope you are doing ok. Sue :butterfly::two_hearts::butterfly:

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