just not with it..

Hi bjane, I lost my husband 14 months ago, my brother who was 3 years younger than me, just over 3 years ago and dad 40 years, mum 37 years, and I have just come out of 6 weeks in hospital, where I was ventilated and had a tracheostomy, so am now learning to walk etc all again. But the pain of losing my husband was and is the worst! Ime coping better than I was, but memories help keep him in my heart, but I miss talking, arguing, and having someone around! It takes time. What you say about not fighting it is so true, time I hope will ease it.thank you your words help.

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Oh Jaz, and all on here, what a mess we’re in. Like youJ Jaz no pain has ever been like this and we are
totally unprepared for what it does to us. We have lost so much more than our partner, I feel like I’ve lost everything, me. my life, all of it.In these disorientating times it all seems so much more difficult to function and you have all that extra burden to cope with. I do hope you will start to feel
a bit better soon. Thinking of you, sending love x

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I think we are too hard on ourselves. My expectations of myself and others always sets me up for disappointment. I’ve started exercising - more for my head space than anything else. Hoping through repetition and habit it’s a good place to start. The eating is a problem. And I get what you mean about decisions. I always bounced everything off mum. Noone else can fill that void.

That’s what we all struggle with, having that support , that special person who was always there for us, sharing everything with them.Like I think I posted earlier, you feel like you’ve lost a huge part of yourself and can’t imagine how that huge hole could ever be filled. Exercise does help a lot of people,I know I should but am not very good at doing what I know I should! It’s this frustrating lack of motivation that so hard to shake off. I’m lucky to live in a pretty rural village so have made myself have long walks, sometimes with a friend and sometimes on my own. I do think it helps sleep wise. Keep being kind to yourself and don’t expect too much, think how you’d treat a friend in these circumstances. Sending love x

I’m replying to you Jude because you started this. Thank you for making me feel less weird. I’m so I’m reassured I’m not on my own with this kind of behaviour. And neither are you. Well done for the showering. I have had to make a list including take a shower and feed the cats. Things I never needed to be reminded to do (you missed out brushing your teeth - your mum would not approve) . Oh yes - and how are we supposed to be kind to ourselves when we can barely remember basic hygiene? Beats me. Maybe we should just be kind to others for now? And believe it or not - your rant helped me. Recognised myself. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your sense of humour. Believe me. It shines through whatever you feel. Don’t feel guilty about that. 4 months? Same. It feels like it happened yesterday. Maybe mojo is a bit too much to hope for at the moment. Brush your teeth.

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Hello Deb 2. Brush your teeth and always wear clean underwear in case you get run over by a bus! I can hear my mother saying that now, and I lost her years ago.Why is it always a bus??!! xxx

Hi Sue
Your last bit resonated with me ,it seems so
Unfair that we have to suffer such pain from our losses ,my wife went on July after 25 years of marriage ,she was poorly and people say she isn’t suffering now ,well I miss her so badly and it hurts so much
All the best
Steve xxxx

Hi Steve … I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s such early days for you… you have to allow your grief! Whatever feels ok to you is the way to go.

Hard week for me … my sons birthday yesterday a d my husbands today …, what a carry on. I never thought one person had so many tears. I miss them all so so much!

Take care. sue :butterfly:

Sue, my heart bleeds for you, what a truly difficult few days this must be for you, I really hope and pray that tomorrow is better.

Thanks Sue ,was just giving it some thought and tears ,Going back to work tomorrow and hope it will help with my thinking as struggling at the moment with negative thoughts and too much time on my hands to think it
Really appreciate everybody’s thoughts at times when they have enough to think about with there own grief
Steve xx

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Thankyou … it’s beyond hard. I do t know how I am still here… went from having a busy household to just me … both sons a d husband died. Hope you are doing ok. Sue :butterfly:

Steve I hope work goes well for you. It will at least occupy some time for you. Take care of you. Sue :butterfly:

Was just feeling miserable and read some of these posts. Hope you manage okay at work tomorrow Steve, a traumatic day for you , hope everyone is kind. Sue, you were the one that made me stop thinking about being miserable, how brave you sound and how unbearable the things that have happened to you. And I’ve been stressing about Malcolm’s recent birthday and our wedding anniversary! You are amazing and I really want to give you a hug and wrap you in love xxx

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Bjane … Thankyou for your kindness. If you saw me over the last few days you wouldn’t think I was brave … oh dear it’s been terrible. J don’t know why these special days are so hard! I miss them and love them every minute of every day not just their birthdays etc. It has been so much harder losing my husband/soulmate … we went through so much after our sons died but we always had each other. He was diagnosed and died in under a month … three weeks in hospital and six days in the hospice. After our second son died we did almost everything together … I’m so glad he isn’t going through this though. He suffered enough. I just lurch along somehow or the other. I hope you are doing ok … well as ok as you can. Sending hugs from me aNd thank you for caring :butterfly::butterfly::butterfly::butterfly:

Hi you really have had a bad time of things but manage to give advice and show sympathy where needed ,it is such a great pity we all have to go through the levels of grief that we do ,it’s not negotiable either ,it is there and you cannot do a thing about it ,I would give all to bring people back but know it’s not to be ,just hope I don’t live to a great old age as I wouldn’t want it ,never understood my dad saying he didn’t want to
live but I so understand now .
All the best
Steve xxxx

Hope you’re all right today Steve, thinking of you xx

Oh Sue, I can’t think of anything I can say that could begin to touch your grief. You have experienced everyone’s nightmare times three, I honestly don’t know how you are still standing, let alone being so caring towards others, you are truly brave, whatever you think. I can only empathise about losing a soulmate which has decimated me,Like you, we did everything together and life without him is unbearable but you have so many layers of grief and the thought of what you’re going through breaks my heart for you. Can you talk about your lovely men, on here, would it help or be too distressing? I’d love to hear about them if or when you could. Sending so much lovexxx

Yes I hope I don’t live to be really old. My mum is 90 and fit and healthy and my dad is 88 (her toy boy!) so who knows. It’s a long lonely prospect without the love of our lives here with us! Hope you have a good day today … take care of you :butterfly:

Hi there
Thanks so
Much for asking ,I have had my tears for the morning I hope as my daughter rang on the way to her work ,I feel so much for her at 24 not having her mum although they were like cat and dog and Faye hadn’t lived at home for 5 years or so ,they both loved each other although I was more of a referee than anything and always in bad books with either as I ended up agreeing with one over the other ,Eileen had had a couple of aneurysms many years ago and played with her brain so she could be lovely and sometimes horrible with people in equal measure including me , I felt I was the only one who could properly understand or at least I thought I was ,Eileen saw this and so loved me over and above everyone else ,that is why I miss her so much
Thanks again so much for asking of me ,I hope you are positive going forward, I understand things will feel easier but that time feels a long way away ,you have a great day ,I am going to a Toby Carvery mid evening with my daughter then back to work tomorrow so hope that will take my mind off things
Steve x

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Hi Steve was just about to reply to your message but must share this, I feel really emotional. As I picked up my phone a small tortoiseshell butterfly flew in through the bedroom window. It flapped around by the window for a while so I went over to help it get out. It flew straight to me and rested on my heart then flew straight out of the windows. There’s a thread on here about signs from our loved ones and I’ve said I’d love one but nothing’s really happened to me. I’m going to believe that’s Malcolm keeping in touch, it’s such a lovely thought! Did I just dream that?? Sorry for that irrelevance to your post but just had to get it out! Was going to say, girls and their Mums!! I had a lot of locking horns with my mum and also some with our daughter, it’s just how we function! And the poor person, you , in this case, tries to intervene or help and gets turned on! I understand about Eileen being a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde , I had it a bit with Malcolm, he was type one diabetic. , had been since his teens. In later years he wasn’t coping so well and could be so difficult and argumentative when his blood sugared was low. I was usually the one who got full vent but I loved him and knew he couldn’t help it. He was such a lovely kind caring person normally and we miss them so much don’t we, with all their little foibles. Have a good day, sorry to sidetrack and enjoy your Toby carvery with your daughter… She’s very young to have lost her mother, I was 32 and that felt really young so it’s hard for you grieving for your wife and supporting her at the same time. Try and have a good day

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