JUST SAYING. Nothing else friends.

I’m 75. I lost the love of my life Anne 22 months ago. We were married 50yrs.

So where am I going with this? Let me just say as an ex Met police officer I, and many of my colleagues, used alcohol to deal with stress and trauma. So I’m used to it.

Since losing my darling, love of my life I find I have the energy and motivation to live and do what has to be done until about 3pm. in the afternoon. Then a need to escape life kicks in. I’ve had enough. Could I go to sleep: that would solve the problem, but I cant. So I drink strong beer. And in my alcoholic haze I drift into a different dimension that takes me away from the miserable reality thats life without my Anne. A life that has no purpose or meaning. In other words I binge drink as I always have to experience a mellow type of contentment.

But now I find I can financially afford to drink all day. And so escape my life permanently. And its tempting. I suppose the bottom line is that I don’t want to live anymore in this world. At 75 how do I start a new life? And without my soul mate? For me its impossible. Others may do it but I cant - and don’t want to even try.

So maybe this process will lead me into alcoholism? My best friend of over 40yrs John died of this. A police and personal best friend. Not a happy death but at least he eventually escaped this horrible life we are forced to live. He was so unhappy. YES FORCED to live because the UK doesn’t accept euthanasia unlike Switzerland and a few other enlightened European countries. Yet we put our beloved pets to sleep via vets? Think about that.

I truly believe this will be my last lost because clearly I have nothing else to communicate. How can I reply positively to others post when I feel like I do?

Bless you all in your personal journey.
James xxx

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Dear James

Not posting to prompt a reply. But just wanted to let you know that like you I do not want to start a new life without my soulmate. I am 61, my husband 60 when he died. So much to still look forward and like yourself and your Anne worked so hard all our lives. Have nothing now in terms of my own personal life but have decided to keep going for our two kids and two grandsons. One never met his granda and the other was only 9 months when my husband was killed in a road traffic accident. By keeping going it is the only way that I can ensure that they know everything about their granda, that they understand the family values and live their lives the best way possible.

Take care.

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Oh James. Believe me I can literally feel your pain and I have no solution. I lost my Ron 2 yrs and 8 months ago and since then ,life ( if you can call it that) has brought me no hope. Sure I have family but they think I am fine now. Ever the actress that’s me. I have no fear of death now and I know that nothing will take away or diminish the love that I felt for my husband. But he didn’t kill himself. He fought like hell to live and to kill myself would be to dishonour him. Also if I killed myself I might end up in a different place to him and that would be a worse place than here. And to ask God to forgive me for killing myself would be hypocritical because I had chosen that decision.
So the only solution is to carry on. It is hell on earth sometimes but in this horrible game of life and death it is the hand I have been dealt.
Your darling wife would have given anything to carry on and so you must live on for her. You will meet again in whatever way we do but please honour your life for her.
Believe me I know it is not easy and drink is an easy option but it not an answer.
Thinking of you and wishing you that glimmer of hope which will come in it’s own time.
Sorry this sounds like a ramble but your wife would just want you to carry on, as does everyone in this group.
My thoughts and a virtual hug.

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Hi @James71,

I can feel your trauma. I worked as a muck-raker/reporter in London in the 1980s, so I emphasise with what you say.

I too have PTSD because of what I saw then. I have a small pension, so to an extent I can do what I want to do - or feel like doing.

But I have 3 dogs, the dogs keep my alive. The conundrum of my life is that in my marriage, I was the sick one. I have severe arthritis, cervical myelopathy, fibromyalgia. I was facing major surgery that carried a risk of paralysis. My husband said that I had to have it. I knew that too. He then said that even if I ended up paralysed, he wouldn’t take me to Switzerland.

Then he died, or a rare brain tumour that wasn’t diagnosed or treated properly.

I’ve decided to live. I am not sure why. But I understand your thinking, and I hope I will see you again here.

Christie xxx

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@James71 hi James I am so very sorry for your loss I can understand what you are saying I lost my soulmate pauline 5 weeks ago and my world feels like its fallen apart there is no one for me apart from her I’m 54 and will spend the rest of my life alone I don’t want this life but she would want me to go on and we have a dog and 2 cats who give me a reason to carry on we were together 20 years and 8 months she was my everything a friend also told me if I did something stupid I wouldn’t be reunited with her one day and I can’t risk that I want to be reunited with her one day and I believe that we will all be reunited with our soulmates one day so please ease up on the drink and keep going for her she lives on in you and the love you have for her stay safe take care

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Hello James

Your honesty and frankness is to be applauded. I am so sorry for your loss and how you feel.

The fact that you posted how you are feeling says to me that you haven’t completely given up. I think it was so brave of you to be so brutally honest.

I do hope you’ll continue to post. I do feel we have to honour our loved ones and keep their memory alive as only we can do that. Talk about Anne on this forum - there’s always someone who’ll listen and there is so much support. None of us have ever met but we already understand each other more than some of our closest friends and family do.

Wishing you a peaceful night James.

Nicky x

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THANK YOU ALL :revolving_hearts::revolving_hearts::revolving_hearts::revolving_hearts:

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I too don’t want to go on. I see no meaning, no joy, no future. I tried to plod through 1 day at a time because of my 15yo daughter. I dare not take drugs because if I fell she would suffer even more. It’s hard to live a life you hate. I understand what you feel.

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That’s it - we carry on because we don’t want our children to suffer more. Instead we know that we will continue to suffer. Sending hugs

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@luckystarhongkong

Thinking of you. Hope that in time your daughter will bring you joy xxx

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thanks you are kind. I think what keep us going is our family. I hope you get more joy by taking care of your dogs(which in some cases may be better than family members). Let’s hope we all shall get out of this hell some day.

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even though our suffering is unavoidable, I still hope that my daughter would feel the love of her mom through me. She is what me and my wife care most. I hope your children give you joy and meaning; we all need a purpose to plod on…

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@James71 and @luckystarhongkong I am sorry you both have wanted to die. We will all die one day. Can’t get away from that fact.
I am glad you have your daughter luckystarhongkong. You really need to keep going for her. Your wife would want that. Your daughter is at an awkward age to deal with losing her mum.
James I hope you have family/friends/pets or anything. I went out with a retired policeman for a short while over 10 years ago now. He had done accident forensics and was a very troubled soul, and relied on alcohol. He went to Australia to try and escape his demons. I expect they followed him. If he is still alive I hope he is coping ok.
I remember a friend’s mum committing suicide when I was young. My mum said “the trouble with that is someone has to find the body”. Those words have always stuck with me. I have been very down several times in my life due to various trauma. I would have loved to have had a settled 50 years of married life under my belt, but unfortunately I haven’t. Just a string of broken relationships. Partly my own fault, but not in the main (In my own opinion). I finally found the best man in my life, he was considerate, fun, abhorred violence towards women, loved life, wanted to explore places, treated me well and I loved him. We had the best years of our lives together. Then he died. Totally unexpectedly. I found the body. It is an image that will be in my head for ever. My mum’s words came back to me.
@Angiejo1 I am ever the actress too. I hide my true feelings. I had some people drop by yesterday, they had been visiting their relatives nearby. Their comments were “sorry we haven’t been there for you, we realise that apart from a few messages we have left you alone.” Comment as they were leaving “we are so glad to see you are coping so well.” Some days I am on my knees!!! Every day the tears come. Like you @Sheila26 I keep going as I want to see my grandchildren grow and develop. Don’t like the life I have now. I go to work and put on my cheerful face and cry in the car on the way home. People think I am ok. None of us in this forum are ok, or we wouldn’t be here!

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Dear James,
I hear your sadness, your loss, your feeling of hopelessness, and if it is any comfort, I also understand.
You may ask “know one knows how I feel”, however, having read your letter, and some others, there are a lot of us us exactly the same boat,

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Hello James
I feel your pain of trying to live without the love of your life. I haven’t posted for a while because I also feel I haven’t got anything positive to say. I still message my husband Derek, it’s 17 months on & this was my message yesterday:
… Hello baby I’m so tired, tired of trying to be ok, I’m just not. I never will be without you. Everyday I wake up & know I have to do it all over again without you. It’s so hard but you do it because you have to even though you don’t want to. Does that make sense? I just love you so very much & miss you every second of every day xxx❤️
Everyone around me has moved on, they still miss him, but they still have their lives with their own families. I’ve lost my Dad a long time ago but the loss didn’t compare with losing your life partner. I count each day as one step closer to being with him. I don’t get really excited by anything or look forward to things, I’ve become good at pretending though. I still have my Mum who is quite poorly & needs my support so that keeps me going.
Keep posting James, you’ll find a lot of people who feel the same.
Take care
Jo

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I agree, I lost my father 10 years ago and it doesn’t compare with losing your soulmate. I miss his touch, his hugs, his smile, his chats, him just being here. I don’t know how you ever get ‘used’ to missing those things. My life feels so empty and filling it with distractions doesn’t even come close.

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Dear James71, I feel and share your pain, I lost my beloved husband a little over a year ago, we were together 55 years and married for 51, he was my life. The struggle each day is so hard, friends tell me how well I’m doing, no I put on the act when out and about, but it’s a different story on my own. I only know that Mel would want me to be brave and try to carry on as best I can and I’m certain your Anne would want you to do the same. Please don’t look for answers in a bottle. Building a new life at our time of life is impossible, but we must try little adjustments to make our lives bearable and to try talking about how we feel and when and if we have better days, to enjoy them and not feel guilty about doing so. I wish you love and peace. xxx

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It seems to me my quota for joyful/better days had been used up; what is left for me is suffering/emptiness/loneliness. I must find a way to accept and learn to live with them until that date. So depressing.

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That’s exactly what I thought - I’ve used all my happiness quota up. It doesn’t help to know that even future ‘better’ days will come nowhere near to previous happy days. Sending hugs

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luckystarhongkong, Jules4,
I feel the same, it is so hard, happiness is a distant memory now I am reminded when I see my neighbours as couples laughing and enjoying each other every day It is like having salt on my wound, it hurts, on top of the emptiness, pain and trying to come to terms that my husband is no longer around. It is going to be so difficult it frightens me the loneliness and how can we learn to live like this?
Sorry but this is how I feel and I can only see it continuing.

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