Just Saying. That's all.

LISTEN. I’m just saying - that’s all.

I lost lost my wife Anne 23 months ago. We were married 50yrs. And I’m aged 75. I find I can do what has to be done like shopping or essential house hold chores until about 3pm in the afternoon. But then I wilt.

At that stage I need to escape from this world so I drink strong 9% Polish beer and smoke like a chimney. I’ll drink and smoke until I’ve had enough then either I heat up a meal I cooked earlier on in the microwave or put a ready meal in the microwave. Later a cup of coffee and a cigarette then off to bed. I sleep like a log. The first thing I say when I wake up is " Oh so I’m still here am I ?" I then go down stairs - look at Annes photo and say " Morning my pretty little lady. I love you." Then I cook my porridge in the microwave and start the same ritual all over again.

I’ll be honest without a alcohol I would have topped myself years ago. But I’m just saying. That’s all.

Love James.

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Oh James, I’m so sorry that we all now have lives that are so empty compared to when we had our loved ones with us. I feel so empty first thing in a morning when the stillness is too much. I never watched TV at the weekend but now I put it on for the distraction. I sometimes wonder whether this is a punishment for something and so I will be made to live a long life to repent for all the things that I have done wrong in my life. I’m not perfect but I didn’t think I’d made that much of a mess of things but to me, this is a living hell. Sending hugs

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Dear Jules4

I feel the same way. Each day is groundhog day - going through the same motions to try and get us through.

Take care.

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I just can’t make sense of it all. Together we could have continued to do good things - for our family, our friends, the wider world (we both did voluntary work). Now, he can’t and it takes all my energy just to get through each day. So why would this happen or is life just random?

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Dear James,

I think you have said what most of us would say. When my Peter died nearly seven years ago I didn’t drink but I ate, I would eat jam and bread, be frying fish at 10 in the morning, getting up in the middle of the night to make toast and soup, it never ended, I lived on Marks and Spencer’s ready meals and ate chocolates and chocolate cakes it never ended. I put on 3 stone in weight, my back ached and my knees ached, it was just comfort eating. I joined Slimming World in 2020 just before the pandemic and then the club closed so I had not lost any weight but I knew how the system worked and I did try but the chocolates and the cakes won again.

I say goodnight love to Peter and say good morning love when I wake up, it is like being a Hamster on a treadmill going round and round.

I do the gardening, clean the house, change the bed and that is it, there is only so much cleaning and gardening that can be done every day. If it wasn’t for the pandemic I would have gone out to my Friendship group, we would have been going on a coach tour last summer and this summer but it has closed down.

The other week I decided to start knitting again, you can’t eat chocolates and cakes with a pair of knitting needles in your hands, I have now got a system going, in the morning I do what needs doing like gardening or washing etc. in the afternoon I sit outside if the weather is nice and knit.

Once the pandemic is over and we know for sure what we are and aren’t allowed to do then I will be getting a bus to the next towns and having a walk round and have afternoon tea in a nice little cafe, but until then, I am staying put.

This is not the life I expected to end my days with, alone, we had planned for so many things in our retirement and when Peter took early retirement at 60 the same as I did, he started being ill so for the last eight years of his life he was an invalid. At least we got to spend every day together until he died.

There are thousands like you and I, who just live day to day, never plan for anything apart from a GP appointment (when you can get one that is) but on we go.

Take care.

Sheila.x

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Dear Jules4

I have no answers for anything now. My husband was so helpful to anyone. They did not even need to ask, if he saw someone struggling then he would just be there for them. Our elderly neighbour loved him because whatever jobs he saw needed to be done he would knock on the door and offer to help.

I don’t know how to continue with a life that I did not ask for and neither of us deserved.

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So many lovely, lovely people taken - life is cruel.

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Dear Jules4

It really is. Memories are no good to me I just need my husband by my side.

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like a hamster on the wheel …that’s exactly this life is like.
I used to look forward to the days. I used to have so many plans : how my daughter may fulfill her dreams, how my wife would be enjoying life doing what she want to do; how to achieve financial independence so I no longer need to work for money. Now I am forced to live a life without any hope for the future. I hang around in the streets everyday to kill time so I won’t have to stay in our empty apartment.

This world is in a mess because so many good people were taken.

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