JUST SAYING

When my darling Anne, my sweet wife of 50yrs was alive, I had a zest for life. I practiced Tai Chi. I practiced Zhan Zhuang, an ancient Chinese meditation technique for 19yrs. I cycled. I ran marathons. I went on night fishing trips with our son, always phoning my soul mate at 7pm to make sure she was safe and remembered to lock the doors. In modern talk ’ I rocked’ Then she was taken from me. It was then that I lost the zest for life. The spark died. I now do non of those things. And I don’t even feel inspired to recontinue them. As such I’m now very suggestible. I’ve lost my will as a person. If a friend says buy this or do that I follow on like a sheep. But thank goodness I still have the savey to recognise internet scams. Yet all told It seems I’m not a real person anymore. Just a non descript being going through life and surviving just because I have to. My best times are when I’m under the influence of alcohol or asleep and away from this world. I lost my Anne 21 months ago.

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Have you tried writing her letters?

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Yep James just going through the motions. Not much brings joy. Happieness is fleeting and sadness is always waiting to rear its ugly head.
I dont understand the reason to join with someone for the inevitable to happen where one of us is left to suffer this . I just dont get it. This said I am glad it is me.
If I had my time again I would stay single for sure

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Hi James
Same here. I was a shop manager with an excellent skills and was well respected amongst customers and staff. I loved clothes and was very creative. I wrote poetry and used to entertain for lots of different organisations. I lost interest in everything. I feel a shadow of my former self and now just do voluntary work without any inclination to input any ideas although I have plenty. I have no motivation anymore for anything.
When my mum died several years ago I remember my dad putting his violin away and saying he was never going to play it again because he only did it for my mum. My mum actually hated it but I know what he meant now. We do most things to please the one we love and when that person is no longer there then we die too. That’s how I see it anyway.

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I am still living a nightmare but the way I see things is we need to reach out, talk to people who are all in the same state of mind, we are not looking for anew soul mate we are looking for new friends to get us out of our now life rut, just reading the last words on this page a person who did things that I have not, a person who wrote poetry, I play the guitar, badly but is that not things we could share with others, to be truthful running is out :flushed: we need to get the violin out we need to share interest. We need to share our old lives and with that we will be sharing a new one, maybe this is a bit of a rant but I know we do not want our new existence but it is what we have. I curse every morning when I wake up to a new day but that is what I have to endure, reluctantly so new people I want to share with, we may not click we may click but is that not life,a musician needs a poet an actor needs an oudience we might find in others what we don’t have I ourselves
Ron

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So true Ron. It sure helps. I turn to this site everyday and it has helped me to cope with life as it is now. I wish I had found this outlet when my Ron first died in 2018. I felt that nobody was as devastated as I was and no one could possibly have the same feelings. But it has helped me in so many different ways. If only we knew what grief was really like until we suffered it first hand.
Hope you have a decent night tonight.

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Dear Angiejo1

I totally get it. I was a senior manager responsible for large teams of staff and a big budget. Walked quite a bit and life was great. Now I can barely string a coherent sentence together, certainly do not look after myself anymore (but my clothes no longer fit in anycase) and cannot be bothered to engage in conversations with anyone outside of my kids and a handful of friends. I look after our little grandson and make the effort on these occasions. The rest of the time no energy/motivation for anything.

My son and his partner brought home their second baby today and I tried my best to keep in the tears but they eventually flowed. My husband - the best granda in the world - is not here to welcome our new grandson, to shower him with love and attention. I have returned home and unlike the first time there is no one to talk excitedly about the different characteristics of both grandchildren. Its a never ending cycle of sitting alone crying for what we have lost - a wonderful husband, brilliant dad and amazing granda.

Tears flowing again. I hate this ‘new’ life.

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I certainly don’t like this ‘new’ life either. I was happy just about all of the time before. Now, I can’t see me being anywhere near that in the future. However, I know my husband would be devastated if I didn’t do the things that I enjoyed doing before. I might not be able to do them at the moment (it’s only 4 weeks) but I owe it to him and the life that we built to at least try to continue with some of these things. He was the photographer and I just did a bit with his help but now I will use his equipment and try to continue his good work. It won’t be the same without him but I will not give up on everything we did. He read books that I didn’t- a lot about Zen and meditation etc. and if that was part of what made him the wonderful man that he was, then I will learn from them too. I haven’t motivation at the moment but, for him, I will have…in good time.

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Hi Sheila 26. Thank you for your reply. I know exactly how you feel. Going from a position of responsibility to taking a backseat is devastating but I don’t have the energy anymore. When I look back I used to do so much. My husband was so proud of me and always talked about me. He put me on a pedestal. I suppose I owe it to him to keep up what I did before before but everything seems pointless. I walk around with a fuzzy head. I can’t even get it right when I go food
Shopping. I feel so lost even though I was always the one in control. I guess I lost my purpose when I lost Ron. Every day is a challenge. I am up and down but never in the place I want to be. My safety net has gone
. What do we do? I just hope that one day I will wake up and find I am alive again.

Dear Angiejo1

Exactly the same - cannot be trusted to go food shopping. Pull up in the car knowing exactly what I need, get in the shop and my mind goes blank and I come out with either nothing or a couple of items I did not even go for or need.

For a good number of years I was the main breadwinner - following the collapse of most of the engineering industries around the North East. I also worked two jobs. My husband worked so hard and we built up a wonderful family home. Then five years ago we both got paid off and husband was unable to find permanent and well paid work but he was a proud Geordie hard-working man and although he had not worked manual jobs since he was 16 he took any job that was going at minimal wage so that he could continue to bring in some money. We had nearly 3 years of a crap life, selling the family home and down-sizing in the truest sense. In the summer 2020 we had just got the bungalow the way we wanted and then he died in September.

Life is so unfair. Like so many he did not deserve to have his life cut short and not in the way that he did.

I tried to put some different clothes on today (I tend to live in my jeans and a few crappy T-shirts) - knowing that son would be taking photos of me and baby - but nothing fits. He posted the picture on Facebook - I looked dreadful but to be honest it was a true reflection of how I feel but then I felt guilty as today should have been a day of celebration and I tried, I really tried, but the eyes always tell the truth and I am dying inside everyday.

Hopefully one day the eyes may shine bright once again.

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Aw Sheila. I know exactly how you feel. I am still in my onesie and it is 2.15pm
I have done nothing in the house. I promised my friend I would take her out but I really can’t get myself ready. I don’t know a way forward because people think I am fine. I am a good actress I know. Ron passed just as he retired and we were so looking forward to a life of what we wanted. I just never expected it to be on my own.
You are welcome to private message me Sheila anytime you like. I share your pain. Xx

Thank you. Very kind when you are also grieving.

Take care
Sheila

No problem Sheila. We help each other. It is 2 yrs 7 months for me now. I have given up trying to understand how I feel. You are welcome anytime to contact me if I can help I will. Xx

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Dear Lost82
Ive deliberated on your suggestion when at first I dismissed it. Maybe you have something here. Thank you x

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Im all for the idea of trying anything that eases even a tiny bit of the pain we are in… and paper is cheaper than vodka!

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Hi James,
I lost my partner 19 months ago and understand something of what you are going through, as it is similar to my experience. How can we carry on when we have lost a soul mate? It is very hard going and despite having a couple of good friends, I am so lonely, depressed and anxious without him by my side. This is grief and I guess one day it will all become bearable and life will start again. At the moment it feels like a terrible endless limbo. I do what I can to lift my spirits and do my best to distract myself, give the day a structure and get through somehow. Hang in there, friend, go easy on the alcohol and hope for better times,

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Hi Susy
My lovely daughter and her partner visited today. I shared my feelings with her and she was very attentive. Later her partner said I really needed to find an outside interest. My reply was I just don’t have the will at the moment. I’ve lost the spark of life. It was then that my daughter said ’ Well its better than your self imposed maudling’ along with a laugh. That cut me to the quick but I didn’t reply. Nobody can empathise other than people like us who are experiencing the loss of our soul mate. I know my daughter didn’t mean any harm but …

But, how utterly insensative.
Why do we make allowances for people family or otherwise that say things that cut us deeply. We dont want to cause upset and yet we take on the upset just to add to our already fragile state.
Hopefully those that do not show empathy and understanding never get to feel what we feel now.

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Dear James71

I lost my husband of 38 years, approaching 8 months ago. A neighbour said something similar to me - that I needed to get myself a hobby so I asked her what she suggested when my world had been completely destroyed. Perhaps not the best way to deal with the situation but I would rather people said nothing because the reality is there is nothing anyone can say nor can they understand if they still have the one they love.

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Like a hobby is going to replace the most important person in our lives. Surely if people stopped and thought for a moment they would understand that one doesn’t even come close to the other!

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