Lana

Lost my husband totally unexpectedly and sudden just before last Christmas. We had been out Christmas shopping and put up all our decorations ready to share the time with our family. Such a shock to us all that he slipped away at home, having suffered no illness or even felt unwell. He had been to the dentist the day before for a filling and mentioned no ill effects from that.
I am so utterly lost now and just wander around in a daze. Christmas was all a blur came and went without me having taken part in any of it. Life is so empty now and time is the enemy of grief. I never know what to do with myself. Friends and family have been good and as supportive as possible, but their lives go on and mine has stopped.
Anyway if I am honest I am no company so my daughter and I seem to be playing a game of me saying that I am alright and her saying that she isn’t worried about me !
Everyone says that time helps, but I can honestly say I have felt worse if anything as the days pass. Someone said that I was just feeling sorry for myself and have a lot to be thankful for, which I thught about and suppose as some truth to it. This happens to loads of us I know, but doesn’t help me to stop crying or manage better than I am.
Thinking of you all in a similar situation on this site and do feel plus understand all your pain. Lana

Oh Lana I so feel for you. To have this happen completely out of the blue must have been such an enormous shock and it’s absolutely impossible to put into words. Firstly, totally ignore those idiots who say you are ‘feeling sorry’ for yourself. OF COURSE YOU ARE AS MANY OF US HERE ARE AS WELL. We feel sorry for what we have lost, what we will never have again and the explosive effect it has had. We have lost a big part of us and find it hard to believe we will be able to carry on. I lost the love of my life in Feb 2018 and still come here for comfort and understanding. None of us can make your pain go away but we do understand in ways that friends and families often don’t seem to be able to. Keep talking, sharing and being you. It’s a virtual house of friends here, who have gone on and are continuing on the same awful journey. I’m sure you want answers as to why this happened, I did. My darling man fell ill and died within 3 days - also unexpected. Much love.

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Hi Lana, so sorry for your sudden loss. I lost my husband in November but had years to know it would happen (but prayed it wouldn’t) but my father died just as your husband did, only in his forties. It’s no easier however we lose our loved ones.
If you are feeling sorry for yourself then so are all of us, of course were sorry for ourselves wev’e lost our loved ones and can’t understand why. I cry now more than I did at first, so perhaps this is secondary grief. I don’t feel I’m good company so just stay on my own. Try to mix but it’s hard, so prefer to be out walking with the dogs alone. My daughter who lives abroad sent me an e-mail last week and told me that I was the strongest person she knew so I would come through this. All very well but when!!! and wheres that strength gone. Take care Pat xxxx

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Thank you for replying, it is all very hard and everyone tells me that it gets easier with time. This has not been my experience at all so far.
I have always dealt with everyone else’s problems and grief so like you have always been considered the strongest person in my family/friend group. But this has floored me and even surprised me that I am now such a hopeless, sad, mess every day.
Losing my husband was not something I had ever really thought about (Do any of us) he was 8 years older than me, we did everything together as couples close do.
It must be so hard for you that your daughter lives abroad. The dogs must be a great help and good company. Something to make an effort for and care about.
I live in a town house with lots of stairs, so feel that another dog at this time wouldn’t be the right thing to get. We have had rescue dogs over the years together, but to be quite honest I really don’t think that I have the energy now to have another one. I do look after my daughters Husky when she goes away or needs to be out all day and I do love him. I also look after a friends much smaller beautiful dog if and when she needs me to. I do enjoy these times.
I do have good friends with parners/husbands but feel the odd one out now !!! This is probably me, as they always include me as they did when we were a couple, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes and it highlights the fact that I am on my own which makes me feel vulnerable and sad.
Not their fault at all, it is all inside of me.
People do say strange things when you lose your husband thinking that they are helping I expect. You are very right if you lose you partner/husband whatever the circumstances and you had a deep love for them, then whenever or how it happens doesn’t matter, the grief is the same. Time is the worst thing in grief, all I think of is “We would be doing this now” instead of ughhh another long day !! what will I do to pass the time.
I don’t seem to be able to read like I used to or be interested in anything much at all.
I have tried to keep myself busy and appear to be coping to all I see.
Then come home and it all hits me like a ton of bricks.
I did have some counselling and cried for the whole hour, felt awful and came home exhausted so never went again.
I have walked miles on my own but walking doesn’t switch your head off does it ??
I like you wish I could say or think of something to reply to you that would help you in any small way, but if you love and care strongly, then people tell me that you grieve equally the same.
I do appreciate your reply though and know that I am in no way alone with this experience. I wish you well and hope with time things do/will get easier for us both, like people say it will. Bye for now and kind regards always Lana x

Hi Lana, your not the only sad mess, there must be a load of us, all trying to make some sense of our life. I never dreamt it would be so hard. It’s totally knocked me sidewards.
My dogs have been my saviour, they give me a meaning to my life. I’m rarely without them and people ask me where they are if I’m out without them (which is rare). Not sure if you now have a dog but I would certainly recommend it. If I feel upset I make myself go out for a walk with them and it is what I need, I always come back feeling much better. I doubt I would go out walking some days if I didn’t have them. They sleep with me and we all cuddle. They had an argument under the bedclothes last night and I had to have a word with them, trying to get the best place… They’re not the best of friends, they just agree to tolerate each other. Both rescue. One came from a dog pound, she’s struggling with her grief and shuts herself away or lies on Brian’s chair all the time. The other little boy came to us as a foster dog but we kept him. Funny little fellow and makes me laugh. Walking with the dogs helps me focus on them and I love to see them racing around playing (the only time they have anything to do with each other).
This is how mad I’ve become. I have to keep putting the TV on mute when the M&S advert comes on. Brian was a singer in a band and their finishing number was always the one playing in the background. Albatross by Fleetwood Mac. I can’t bear to hear it. I keep switching it off. You take care and keep in touch, it really does help to let off steam from time to time or just having a chat… Love Pat xxxx

Your dogs sound lovely and funny, glad that you have them for company. When my brother died aged 54 in2006 again suddenly and not expected. My sister-in-law said it was their dog that helped her through a very difficult time. She had lost her mum as well just two weeks after losing my brother. I do see her from time to time as she is not living near enough to see her often. But she seems to be coping ( has no children) but lots of good/close friends. She sadly lost her dog and her dar sister as well a couple of years ago, which did knock her for six at the time.
Life is hard to understand when awful things occur either personally or even the news at times.
I do sit and try to make some sense of it all. But had no answers come to me that make any sense of why.
Music is a constant reminder and can definitely creep up on you (like the M&S add) so I do understand your reaction to it.
I cried all through the Grand National this year as we would usually sit and watch it together, not bet or anything though. I suppose it was a first without him again so I deliberately didn’t watch the boat race.
No more first’s without him if I can avoid it.
Thanks Pat for all your understanding about letting off steam etc. So many of us struggle on and feel alone. It is good to know that others are feeling just the same.
Think I am rambling on now, so I’ll say take care and yes please do stay in touch Love Lana x

Thank you for your lovely reply, it made me feel that I am not quite mad yet although I have many days that I am not too sure.
The suddenness of our lose if so hard to come to terms with and I struggle with it every day as i’m sure you understand. Your so right about the explosive effect it has had on me and family. Nothing makes an sense any more and a massive void that I can’t fill is sitting in the life that I am left with.
All the things that I enjoyed doing now mean nothing at all or give me any comfort. If the house fell down I wouldn’t care. Silly decorating things that I would worry about getting done, I no longer have any interest in or care about.
Thank you again for your input and support. I feel that I am not adding any joy or helping others atm, so am sorry if my reply appears self indulgent hopefully I will get better with time and be able to sound cheery or help others on the same journey.
Bye for now Love Lana x

So sorry for your loss Lana, my husband, Alan, passed away 38 hours after I was told further tests revealed a malignancy. He’d never been to see the doctor in over 40 years apart from going to have yellow fever jabs for our holiday in Kenya, otherwise he’d not have gone then. Never a day off work ill. I truly so understand everything you say, it resonates very deeply with me, having the same feelings, thoughts, a living nightmare, and stumbling through each day as in dense fog. Next week will be 11 months since he passed yet I still feel as though it was yesterday.

Everyone on this forum are lovely, so very supportive, ifvyou feel like ranting, then please do on here, we a understand. People say time is a healer, to me time diednt heal, it just makes us learn to live with our loss. That said, I don’t have the answer to how long ‘time’ takes. My dad passed 2006, my mum lives on each day, but still misses my dad. My gran was the same, my grandad passed on my 4th birthday in 1954, my gran passed April 1992 and she always missed my grandad. She was a survivor, as many were if that generation. Since losing Alan, I’ve been able to understand how both my gran and my mum felt and are feeling. Sorry if I’m rambling and churning out nonsense. But what I’m trying to say is, we all cope as best we can, theres no rule book, no time scale. We do what we feel is right for us, some days aren’t as bad, some days are rock bottom, I’ve had a week of rock bottom, hopefully, I’ll have a day or two that will turn out a little better than that.

Just take each day at a time,

Sorry for the garbled text, I’m very tired, for 11 months I’ve been unable to have a decent night’s sleep,

You’re among friends o here ☆

Blessings
Jen ☆

Hi Jen and Lana. I can so relate to both of you and in a funny sort of way it helps to know that I’m not going completely mad or being a complete failure. Today I have had a bearable day. But like you I am fast losing interest in everything that I formally loved doing. I went a bit mad when Brian died and threw myself into doing just about everything i could. Sorting through Brian’s belongings, his shed the loft was a load of work as well as doing long walks with the dogs, decorating every room, and looking after two large allotments. When the sorting, selling, donating, burning, decorating etc came to an end I sort of lost it plus I had a health scare that frightened the life out of me. Never been ill you see so not used to feeling helpless. I became worse than ever, perhaps this was delayed grief. Last Monday was a shit day. Since then I have not been too bad, although I cry every day still. Today I started painting the outside of the house as considering selling it now and making a fresh start nearer family. Don’t know if this is the answer but I need to do something as nothing means anything to me, even our allotments. These played a big part of our life and to see couples working together is doing my head in. My mood is not good.
However I did something today that I promised I would do. I went to the cemetery to talk to Brian (I do this every day). I saw a woman putting flowers on a grave and we got talking. The grave was her baby son and since then has lost her husband, parents, sister and grandson who was eight years old. I gave her the time of day and we talked for some time. She thanked me for spending time with her and hoped we would meet again. She knew my pain just as I understood hers. A robin landed by us as we talked and I knew it was Brian as this robin comes and lands by me very often in the cemetery. Take care and ramble on all you want we need to get things off our chest when the pressure builds up… Love Pat xxx

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Oh how sad for that lady to have lost so many and especially a baby son and a grandson, definitely brings me up with a start !!! and reminds me to count my blessings.
It is ten to one Friday morning now and I am still wandering around as don’t sleep well any more either. I also look at couples with a pain that is silly, but thinking of how things were fill my mind when I see them together. How easy it is to take for granted all the simple pleasures of life as a couple.
I talk to Dave as if he were still in the house, saying good morning and goodnight, plus tell him what if anything I have done to even watched on TV etc.
Crazy lady haha ! but I don’t want to stop and have his pillow long ways next to me in bed.
Tomorrow an electrician is coming to sort out my electrics which he says needs attention. I have no idea if that is true or not, but he is someone that my daughtr knows from her school days so should all be ok.
My laptop is old now and not doing too well, but I want to hang on until the new windows 12 comes out in October (if it lasts that long) so if I should disappear from this site at all it will be because of laptop problems etc.
I am still not sure if I am using this site correctly though so if you have been lovely enough to reply to my conversations I thank you and don’t know if each individual person can read all my stuff or if I should reply seperately. My mind doesn’t seem to work as efficiently either as it did before losing Dave. 4 months now and fels like 4 years, does it ever get easier, I think not as I can never imagine feeling any different to how I feel now.
Each day is passing though, so just keep telling myself to get a grip when the tears flood it…so I say it an awful lot !!
Night to you all and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me, as you say it does help to not feel completely mad or alone. Bye for now Love Lana x

Hi Your not a crazy lady, we all chatter away to our loved ones, it does help. I too have a pillow longways and can wrap my arms around it. For a while I had one of Brian’s jackets on it, made it feel just like Brian as well as spraying with his aftershave.
Regarding this site, you must be doing it right as we can see what you have written. All of us can see your posts but you can reply separately to someone if you wish.
You take care Pat xxx

Aghhh thanks Pat, good to hear that you chatter away as well to Brian and that is comforting in a funny sort of way.
Also glad to know that this site is here for some support from others that have the same feelings and do understand from their own experiences. Good to be in touch with you. Take care as well Love Lana x