Layers of loss keep giving

Simon disappeared last year from our breathing, earth life, yes he passed away…I hate saying the D word, as its so brutal and in your face and I can not get my head around it. Accept it.
I have spent so much of the last year or more, in denial…rushing at everything, making some routines, sense of it. Keeping busy, trying to validate my .existence. trying to be part of the human race.
My Simon did not want to leave, he was 52, and we were so near to our last wonderful bit, where money was better, work winding down, and quality time together. Romance. And it’s all gone…
First Simon, then our little moggy, then our little fur baby dog. Our unit at home. It’s symbolic to me, all the life in our house gone.
Yes i have a daughter, grandkids, I have lovely parents…all I am lucky and honoured to have.
But I can not escape the silence. The heart wrenching overwhelming steaming pile of poo…of grief…it makes me so worthless.
I try and structure what I do, be reliable with the people who Care and love me, so they in turn feel less fraught.
But I inside I feel so churned, a massive darkness of loss , that spins inside my gut, head and hurt. It does not leave.
I would love to feel spiritual peace. A doable day. A bit of happy…it’s all beyond my reach.
I gym,visit family, baby sit, see gifirends, have family for Sunday dinner…go through all the motions. I am proactive with my body which is a vessel…
But the spiritual, soul side, the peace,the light has all gone…
And I yearn for Simon. And I yearn for peace…

If any of you have found that comimg over you, have developed it , learnt it. Please share…


I know exactly what you mean. My husband was 50, it was sudden, no goodbyes. This time was meant to be our time. We’d spent time looking after kids, elderly parents - this was out time going forward to do all of those things we still wanted to do in life together. Now he has no future and mine is meaningless- apart from being here for my children who now have to have tests to see if they have the same unknown genetic issue.
Like you, I can keep busy - it exhausts me, but I can fill my time. It just doesn’t come anywhere close to being with that special person and never will.