Learning to cope but struggling

Coping with bereavement
#1

Hello All,

I’m having a touch time…lost dad suddenly 24wks ago today. I actually counted the weeks…the time has gone quickly.

Just how do people cope when there is no family or support system in place?

Whats takes away that pain, It’s indescribable.The evening tend to be the worse, mind you I’m up and down the whole day…there’s only so much distraction I can fool the brain with before the realisation or a trigger only makes me face the horrid reality.

I have flashbacks and it’s not easy to handle. I have so many memories around every corner. I feel like I’m in my own bubble, doing what needs to be done in tasks but I feel so empty…

He was my strength, the person I wanted if I was unwell, the one who had genuine love for me, he was caring and kind, he would ask questions about my day- had an interest. Now it’s lonely and scary…

I still can’t used to writing ‘was’ not ‘is’…

Sam

#2

Sam

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost someone very close to me suddenly two weeks ago. I find the worst part is thinking too far ahead into the future. Focusing day by day or even hour by hour is what keeps me going. I’m afraid I don’t have any answers but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. A lot of people have told me to stop crying and to be strong but from what I’ve read that’s not the right approach. I’m reading s good book ‘7 choices: finding daylight when loss shatters your world’ - the essence of that book is that grief is a process we need to go through to heal - if you need to cry, cry! Get it all out and let yourself feel the emotions.

1 Like
#3

Hi Sam, So sorry for your loss. When I saw your post I related to so much of what you are feeling. I lost my beloved sister only 5 months ago, and I do not have family support either. Friends are kind but have their own lives, so basically I walk this journey alone. Like your Dad, my sister also listened to me, supported me and asked about my day, and I did the same for her. Now I have no-one to share those day to day events and feelings that only she would understand. I too am “lonely and scared.” I am glad you came to this site. These last 5 painful months the site has been my place to rant and vent, and each time I would get a warm response from someone out there. You will find that too.

#4

Teacups-I am sorry for your recent loss. My loss was sudden as well. Takes the breath out of you, doesn’t it? The book you are reading sounds interesting. How true that our losses “shatter our world.” I can also suggest a book to you and Sam,titled “It Is Okay, That You Are Not Okay.” it also speaks of allowing ourselves to cry and admit that we are “not okay.” No one should rush us through our grief, or insist that we “be strong.” My thoughts are with you in your time of sadness.

#5

Hi Teacups,

Thank you for your kind words and I’m so sorry to hear about your loss too. You made me feel better knowing I’m not alone. It’s one thing to know that but another to hear it from someone who gets it, thank you!

Yes, that’s what I’m doing, splitting my day up, at the moment it’s half day by half day and boy is it a rollacoaster.

My family don’t even acknowledge me, strange considering I like with them. I’m the target for all the resentment and anger so I don’t have an outlet. Initially my mum would ask if she caught me crying- what’s wrong? Uh dad?! Now I find it safer not to show them anything as they are not the people who will share and stand by my side. My mum and sister are business as usual.

I will look in to the book you have suggested. I’m grateful for any help! Thank you!

Take care

Sam

#6

Hi Sister2,

I am sorry for your loss, it’s hard when you are that close to someone. You can really understand it…it’s like a void almost like the love has been taken away. Yes, my friends are the same- busy, don’t know what to say, not interested the whole works.

I have to say I agree with you, since I discovered the site it has been helpful even knowing people are also going through the same if not similar thing, the words of wisdom or advice, even the little bit of TLC goes such a long way!!

Thank you very much for replying and sharing.

Take care,

Sam

#7

Thank you, that’s really thoughtful! I will certainly check those books up. It’s strange for my sister dad’s gone and she doesn’t speak about it. She said she certainly does not want to talk to ME. His items are just things. Whereas for me I saw him pass and I do want to talk now so It’s different plus his items are thing he touched so I feel I have a connection of sorts when I touch them to.

It’s true people react in different ways, guess I had hoped we would be more of a support to one another. We were dysfunctional pre dad’s passing but not it’s only amplified it.

I look forward to looking those books up- thank you again!

Sam

#8

Hi Teacups
I’ve just ordered the book you recommended. :slight_smile:
Your advice is so true - people say don’t cry, be strong, but to cry is to be strong! It takes huge courage to feel such loss, to sob your heart out. But we have to do that. Otherwise the sadness, grief and devastation stays stuck inside of us. I wish you and everyone who has lost a loved one kindness and understanding, patience and time to grieve and heal.
Kindest regards
Debs x

#9

Hello Sam

I just wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss, and also for the fact that you have no one to really support you through it. I too keep count of the time since i was bereaved. It’s 51 days since i lost my sister and I think of her all the time. I distract myself with work, but sometimes that doesn’t work and thats when i know I have to give myself the time to cry, to rage, to grieve. I even created a tumbler account and set it to private so no one can see it, and everyday i “post” to her. It helps. I look at her photo and tell her “I will be with you again one day, but for now I’m gonna live my life as you’d wish, but i will be with you again”. These things make her absence feel less final i guess. Whatever helps you through. Anyway. I hope you find support here as i have.
Take good care
Debs x

#10

Thank you Debs - I hope the book brings you some comfort. I wish you peace and I hope life brings you light and hope x

#11

Hi Debs,

Thank you for your understanding. I’m sorry for your loss too, it’s so early for you…I really feel for you. I don’t know why I count each week, it’s scary how time goes quickly.

I think it’s lovely that you have a Tumbler account and post things to your sister. It holds a connection of sorts. I have a book and I write every memory of my dad down, including my dreams and nightmares.

I talk out aloud and tell dad I wish he had taken me with him…and don’t forget me because I never will.

It’s just good to have people to talk too and share how they handle it. I take solace in that.

Thank you,

Take care too,

Sam x

#12

Hi Teacups,

I also had a look online last night at the books…Both have had great reviews. I think I might order It’s ok that you are ok. Anything that can help navigate through this is a plus!

Thank you for being thoughtful! x

#13

I agree - anything that can help is certainly worth pursuing. The most helpful thing for me is to know I’m not alone. It’s easy to look at people around us and on social media and think we are the only ones experiencing this - and that’s a lonely place to be. Let’s hope we will all come out the other side of this. I am thinking of you and wish you peace and hope x

#14

Absolutely, I feel a little better for discovering this site. Being lonely and isolated with my thoughts going round and trauma of it all is difficult when there is no outlet. Also knowing my sister and mum are a support for each other and all I hear is laughter or talking etc.

I’m pleased this site helps you too! Certainly helps knowing you are not alone and some of the things are part of the process.

You take care and thank you again!! x

#15

Sam, I want to tell you I understand not being supported by family. I have one sibling left but she has a strong, supportive husband, and I am alone. She never shows me any kindness or concern, and only contacts me when it involves “business.” She did not have the close and loving relationship I had with my younger sister, and she was absent from our lives (her choice) many years prior to my sister’s cancer. A few friends and the people on grief sites (like SR) can be kinder and more caring than our own family members. The loneliness that comes with grief is the worst feeling. I am glad you are here and I am sorry for the way your family is treating you at this difficult time… Sister2

#16

Hi Sister2,

Thank you for your understanding.I am sorry you lost your sister. You sound like you had a warm and close relationship. I know how difficult it is to loss someone who you love.

I totally understand the dynamic with your other sibling, my sister is exactly the same, minus the husband. She has resented me her whole life, acts like a bully with me, jealous, has no kindness, compassion all she wants to do is break me. Unsure what she gains from it.

I agree with you. I have had more understanding and support on this site than friends or family. It’s such a huge help.

Things with my sister are escalating to a degree. I feel anxious all the time. Her energy is so negative and consuming. I stay out of the way. She does petty childish things all day. If I go in the kitchen to get food or make a drink she starts slamming all the doors shut- the kitchen, the sitting room, the dinning room. It’s like ‘you are not welcome’, passive aggressive. If she’s in the kitchen at the same time, she turns her back and stand there. It’s like a tantrum each time. I am ignoring but it is hurtful and immature. You would not think she is 53yrs old!!

Yesterday I paid my half of the solicitor fees that I owed her (trying to sort out my dads estate only my brother is being super difficult so we appointed one to represent us), I left the invoice on the table where she sits saying paid and the amount. She slammed all the doors, cussed and was angry as hell. I was in my room. I then receive a call from the solicitor stating she no longer wants us to be represented.

If I don’t pay the money it’s wrong and then I would hear- she’s lost money etc. If I pay my half as the solicitor represents both it’s still wrong.She only reacted after I paid the money but it’s been a week since she paid it and all was fine as in her usual behaviour of late…she was not speaking, being negative, slamming doors, shutting me out and keeping me isolated.

I am exhausted, she’s emotional ill equipped.

Thankfully I have an outlet on the forum, without it I think things would be dire!!

I appreciate you sharing and I hope you are ok. Keep posting here…

Take care, hugs x

#17

Hello ladies, I’ve been reading your messages with dismay and heartache, I’m so sorry you’re having so little support. I haven’t had much support from my friends but I’m very lucky to have my sister nearby, we take it in turns to pick each other up and help each other through. Strangely it’s taken nearly 2 and a years of misery since my brother died for a couple of friends to start reaching out to me and showing some sort of understanding, they seem to have realised the enormity of my grief as I haven’t bounced back from this bereavement like I did after I lost my parents and some very much loved friends and I’m still shutting myself away.
I can only say I understand the pain you’re going through and I wish with all my heart you had more support. Keep talking to us here, I’ve been sending messages on a conversation called “where are you all from” something like that, I’ve noticed some people live fairly near to me, there’s been no suggestion of meeting up but you never know who you might find.
Much love
Jules xx (I’m not actually an Iced Bun haha!!)

#18

Hi Jules,

By the way I like the name Iced Bun :slight_smile:

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry for your loss, you have been through a lot. However I am glad you have your sister for support, I have to say it’s nice to have someone who can share the fond memories of your brother with you.

People are strange, I’m coming to this conclusion. What seems normal to us is not necessary so to others and yes, I know everyone reacts differently to grief but I get stuck unable to understand or see why friends for instance can not support or empathise. Still, I am glad to hear they have had the realisation and more present for you!

The family or friends have not been there for me. I’m so exhausted from it all. I feel like I don’t have the right to miss or mourn my dad because of it all. It’s all very strange and sadly seems to getting worse.

I really think this site is great. I have spoken to so many different people and yet we are all the same, going through grief. I have had a lot of kind people take time to share like yourself and simply understand and give great advice. Without the people on this site I would be in a worse position. Its only through the kindness and strength that I manage to get through the day and night.

I’ll take a look at your post. I think there is a gap, there are not many things out there for us so I say it’s great to have an option to do things or talk, support one another.

Lots of hugs,

Sam xx

#19

Dear Sam,
Sorry that you are going through such an awful time. My dad died 9 months ago unexpectedly and know how you feel about a lack of family support. My family have only phoned me once since and none had wished me a happy birthday for asked if i was ok. But the one thing i have realised is that i have such amazing friends who have been my support system and i hope you have these friends in your life.
Take care

#20

Hi

Coming rather late to this discussion. It is so sad that there are so many of us with troublesome families who make life so difficult. I have a sister like many others who was a nightmare when our Mum was terminally ill and has continued since she passed away.

I am now just over two years from losing my Mum and can say the first year was hell. I missed my Mum so much I didn’t want to live myself any more and had a daily barrage of insults from my sister to deal with. She decided as she was older than me that she could boss me around and treat me like dirt. She did this for a year until Mum’s house was sold and the estate was finalised.

I moved house and she thought she could continue her ways. It has come and is still coming as a surprise to her that she is not welcome to walk into my home uninvited. I have made a new life for myself which does not include my sister. It sounds horrible but I am much happier now. I wouldn’t say it is perfect or the solution for everyone but distancing yourself can work. Even just for a few months or years. All through the horrible time watching Mum slip away and the year after I had a mantra I said to myself. This will pass and I don’t have to see my sister ever again if I don’t want to. I do see her occasionally but on my terms and preferably not in my new home.

What helped me the most was this forum and the people I have ‘met’ on here. I have experienced real kindness and as said before more so than in real life. It is horrible reading others are suffering the pain I went through and I do wish you all well. Remember it will end sometime.

Mel