Learning to live alone.

I can understand why freedom would be a term that would cause people to pause or take issue with. But there are multitude of definitions and interpretations of the concept of freedom. For instance there is ‘freedom of choice’ but conversely there is also ‘freedom from choice’ both equally valid concepts that exist in opposition to each other. Free Will versus Determinism.

Perhaps, in relation to my situation and experience, autonomy or agency would be a more appropriate term. I didn’t choose to be in this place that I find myself in but I have chosen to play the cards I have been dealt.


I know the feeling. Our anchor has gone. Our reason to be here - our love of our life :frowning: its all very hard. And each morning i still wake up with a knot in my stomach when i realise hes not next to me … and.recently as i approach the year of him passing, i still feel sad about it all :frowning: and realise the big love that i have lost … x


Gee, I wasn’t expecting to set off such a philosophical debate on the freedom to be free.

I was more thinking of the simple things: my wife was a great cook, and I enjoyed cooking too as we both had a love for food so had a array of meals we’d make, but cooking up a gourmet meal for one doesn’t seem overtly self-indulgent.

Even buying quantity of quality food for one is hard without wasting a bunch

Sitting in the spa-pool with a glass of wine by one’s self? Feels, well not quite right.

I made my wife breakfast in bed almost every morning for the last 20 years (not quite sure what she did to deserve it :grinning:) and after 10 months only making one cup of coffee in the morning seems rather dull.

I’m not sure RE having more freedoms, yes less commitments, but commitment was never bondage - if it was I wouldn’t have been with her all those years.

Apart from a little less eating bulgur wheat salads my freedoms haven’t changed.

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Yes that is right Deb5 it may have sounded wrong to others but I knew it meant we did not ask or want in anyway what so ever to loose our Hubbies it was not a choice we had it was taken out of our hands it happened and we did not want this to happen at all we wanted to keep them here on earth right by our sides x

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@Deb5 @Woman-50
I have to say that not all divorce is wanted. At 22, 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child, my husband of 6 months disappeared upstairs to write a letter. On his return, he handed me the letter. That was our marriage done. I was devastated and my future changed forever. The pain indescribable. I remember saying to my mum, I wish he’d died so I could get over it and not have to see him with someone else.

In January when my partner died, the pain excruciating, I wished he had just left me for someone else, at least I would have a chance at reconciliation and I spoke to my mum about what I had naively said before.

Neither way is easy and is not always what someone wants when there is a divorce. I had no choice, he ran off with someone else, that was not my plan. Divorce can be for some as devastating as loss. Neither of these incidents were my choice. Both painful, both life changing.


True … guess you’re right in your circumstances , ( and btw so sorry for you at such a young age ) but some people do “chose” to be divorced themselves … i think that’s what we are saying. My mum and dad got divorced so i know about it and as painful as it is - and my mum says a divorce is painful too - i would still chose that over bereavment xx


Hi @Walan,

Thanks for this, it is very helpful. Upon reflection I think that it is the notion of agency that works for me. It is a profound sadness that has me by the throat and has rendered me powerless to act. I cannot seem to find any way to loosen its grip and so must endure at the moment.

As for autonomy and so returning to the original topic of this thread, I have an advantage in that I lived alone prior to my first marriage and did so again upon my divorce. Of course I had autonomy in my life with Christine but it was of a different flavour. Anyway, I am getting way too cerebral when I think a lot of this is really visceral (today not such a shit day as yesterday which is a good thing!)

Thanks for your posts, I find what you say helpful and insightful.


@Ali29 Have to agree, not all divorce is choice, in fact I don’t really think anyone ‘chooses’ to get divorced. I’ve been through it myself and although the circumstances were vastly different from your own, I didn’t’ really find it a choice but a necessity. There’s not much choice involved when you no longer love each other. Choose to separate or choose to go on in ever increasing misery? As with you, divorce was an incredibly painful thing to go through. For me the pain involved wasn’t as severe as my wife dying but the after effects, the circumstances I find myself in now are similar and familiar: loss of identity, loss of social structure, loss of a relationship, loss of a life I once shared with someone I loved.


Yep, you’ve got it. You understand x

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@Woman-50 I also have my 23 year old son at home who is also planning on moving out after Christmas. I am pleased for him but upset also. He has been hoping to do this for some time. I will definitely miss him as he has been my rock as well as company.
I’m sad because my husband and myself couldn’t wait for him to move out so that we could have time together, we had so many plans for the future when he retired but now that will never happen. I’m going to be alone without my husband which could be 30 years. I am quite a social bee and have quite a few friends and my son said that he will come back every Sunday for dinner and stay the night. I guess in time I will get used to my own company. In the meantime I am going to plan to go on a few trips, activities, art and crafts and maybe do some volunteering. Take care and big hugs xx


Yes it may be that not everyone wants divorce but my friend did choose to get divorced as she explains it “I chose this way it being the choice I had” due to the circumstances of her married life :slight_smile:

Aaw Hazel.1966 sounds like you have a bit to get used with your son moving out as you say your pleased for them but your heart gets upset at the thoughts and I am only to pleased like me you have had him there to be your rock and yes the company of them is an added bonus.
Me and my hubby jokingly used to say to our Son we are going to move and not
tell you haha he took it in all good faith.
Good for you getting out and about I actually Volunteer 2 days a week and I love it but just recently been offered a little part time job which I am really looking forward to starting
Take care loving hugs xx

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@Woman-50 I’m really pleased to hear that you have been offered a part time job. Hopefully with your new job it will be a distraction and you might make new friends.
Yes it is such a tough old journey that we are on not having our husbands with us for the future. Definitely have been robbed. I expect our boys will be home with their washing lol.
Big hugs and take care xx

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Thank you so much Hazel.1966 and that is what am hoping big distraction with an added bonus of making friends :slight_smile:
I agree it’s a very tough journey as like you we had all sorts plans and I really believe I have well and truly been robbed:-(
I know that one is a true fact even though i did learn him how to use a washing machine haha
Take care loving hugs xx

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