Letting people support me

I know it is still really early days since my husband died, 95 days but I am really struggling to let family & friends support me through this nightmare journey.

None of them have experienced the loss of a spouse/partner and I get that they don’t know what to say to me. But I am the one putting up barriers. I don’t want them to see how raw & broken I am. I feel so lost and very vulnerable at the moment but letting people see that is so hard

Just had my 1st counselling session, via Sue Ryder and spent all of it crying


That’s me too @MrsP2 .
People want to help but the reality is, there’s nothing they can do that will help.
I’m at a similar stage of this experience, to yourself - 16 weeks today for me.
My theory, for what it’s worth, is we’re like injured animals with our grief.
Some animals, when injured, need the support and security of the pack to help them heal.
Other animals (me definitely and possibly you, MrsP2), need to lie low in our lair, tending to our own wounds until we gradually, bit by bit, endeavour to join the pack again.
I found it very difficult in the really early days, to get through to people that I didn’t want anyone to be with me.
I wanted to be able to weep and sob, in private, not feeling constrained in any way but conversely, in my more tranquil moments, I don’t want anyone phoning for a chat “to see how you are” as that will inevitably reduce me to a sobbing wreck within minutes and I was OK until they phoned.
Good luck with the counselling.
I hope it helps.
You’ve helped me with your post, to know that I’m not the only loner round here.


This is exactly me.
I lost my partner in December we spent every day together and I’m struggling to spend my days alone.

I find it very hard to talk to my family and friend about it all I worry ill spend my whole time crying and saying nothing.

Good luck with your counselling I really hope it helps being able to talk to someone!

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Hi MrsP2
Day 94 for me & I feel exactly the same as you. My friends & family want to help & have tried to be supportive but they don’t know what to say. If I cry they say sorry for upsetting me. I want to cry, I want to grieve & most of all I want to talk about how much I miss Phil but they just don’t understand. I spend most of my days alone as I find that easier. I have two faces now, one that says I’m ok if anyone asks & the other that shows all the pain I feel that I don’t let anyone see. Good luck with your counselling I really hope it helps you.
Sending big hugs
Net xx

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I like you theory, my husband use to say things like that. I do like to see people but I want time on my own, when I have time on my own I am so lonely. I feel when people ask “how are you” I just say “fine” what else can you say I’m devastated I miss him sooo much. Then as you say I would then just cry.

Thank you all for responding to me and showing me that I am not alone in feeling this way. It’s weird though as I am use to being in the house alone as I lived here for a long time before I met Dave. I miss him so much but I also miss the person I was before he died and I mourn all the plans we had for our future. I don’t want to be a widow I will always be his wife x

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This is so me lost my husband in october.and just can’t let my daughter see me getting so up set .she has said to me you have to let your feeling out mum but find it very hard xx

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I love this but my goodness it made me cry x :cry::heavy_heart_exclamation:


Didn’t mean to make you cry Amanda :disappointed_relieved: I am further along in my journey so I have embraced this way of thinking and believe they are always with us :blush: x


Hi there,
I love this way of thinking, it’s reassuring to think our loved ones are still close, looking out for us still :two_hearts: xx

112 days since my husband died. Everyone says I’m a strong women but there not inside my head. What can they say, don’t worry it’ll get better with time, no I feel worse as time passes. The first time I went out for lunch on my own, they said great you’ve done it now it’ll be easier, no it’s harder because each time I do anything on my own I’m reminded (as if I need reminding) that that’s it from now I’ll never do anything with him again.
‘Winging it’ - I think you’re right about wounded animal wanting to hide away. Most days I force myself to get up & do something, speak to neighbours etc but keeping the false smile in place is exhausting, other days, like today curtains closed & just … I hate people to see me crying & the only person I’ve ever been comfortable doing so is the one I’m crying for now.
Someone said lost, that’s a good word, I feel as though I’m in a dingy in the middle of an ocean, its dark & cloudy, totally disorientated, can’t trust my own judgement on anything let along the direction to take & there’s no stars for guidance. Time is whizzing past, one min the seas calm the next raging storm & I’m clinging onto the dingy trying to do what I know he’d want but it is hard & I don’t see an end to this pain.
Thank you for all of your posts, some I’ve read I can resonate with & it helps.