My husband passed away just before Christmas.
I’ve been trying so hard to cope but
Things only gets worse. I’m looking at the various posts and although some people say that in time things will ease. I’m panicking as cannot believe it. I walk around the house totally bereft how can that change. The person I’ve shared my life with for 45 years doesn’t exist any more… Please help
A very lonely pisces
Hi Marianne. Hard isn’t it and I can assure you we all know exactly what you are going through, you are not alone. I was told that time would ease my pain but what it does do is teach us to cope with the pain of our loss. Anxiety and panic is all part of the grief process and all I can advise is don’t fight it. Be prepared to grieve and take each day slowly. We all cope in different ways. Some keep busy or work some go about it more quietly. 45 years is a long time and a big part of your life, and the pain and loneliness won’t go immediately but hopefully you will learn to adjust to a different life.
Of course your husband exists, he is in your heart and thoughts. Some forum members write a journal or letters to their loved ones, they tell them what they have been doing and how they feel. This can be a comfort. to some. You might be told to join clubs, groups, volunteer but what you do to cope is up to you, do what you feel comfortable with in yourself, don’t rush. As most of us have found no amount of company can replace that one special person. I hope you have supportive family or friends. However you will always find someone on this forum who understands so join with the chats.
xxx
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Hi, although I don’t know exactly what you are going through as I’ve not lost my husband but I have lost my dad back in November. My mum is also in the same boat as you after having lost her husband of 37 years. I don’t think things get better I think things just change. We still feel the emptiness and the feeling that something is missing. I don’t think we will ever not feel that.
Sorry I can’t offer you any more help than that. This forum will help as there are plenty of people going through what you are
Help pattidot,
Thank you for your kind words. When did your husband pass away? Even after two months it’s like a bad dream I’m hoping to wake up from. How can anhthing have a meaning again. I go through the day like a sleepwalker. I see people who are all well meaning but I feel unless you have experienced the loss of a partner yourself it’s impossible to understand so I don’t speak much about how I feel. It’s a very lonely and vulnerable place. Thank you for your thoughts and of course my husband will always be with me but… The thought of never seeing or speaking to him again is unbearable…
Meant hello not help
Hello Hannah,
I’m sorry about you losing your father and your mother her husband. If you feel like my son I do feel for you. My son can’t talk about his dad he’s grieving so much that he feels like he’s never going to get over it. He’s an only child and has no partner do am worried about him as well. We were a very close trio… Thank you for your sharing…
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Hi Marianne. My husband died over a year ago and I’m sorry to say that two months is no time at all and what you are having to cope with is perfectly normal (if you can call anything normal again). You are so right it is impossible to understand what the loss of a loved partner can do to you. We all know what you are going through. Please don’t try to rush through grief, it doesn’t work. I foolishly gave myself six months but soon realised there is no timescale, we all grieve in our own way and when you are ready you will take those steps back into having some form of a life again.
Perhaps if you have a friend or relative that you trust then you should tell them just how you do feel and perhaps a shoulder to cry on might be a welcome release. If not then don’t be afraid to have a good cry, there is no shame. Scream into a cushion/pillow (just in case the neighbours hear you), it really does help to release some of this terrible pain. And above all don’t be afraid to grieve, this is a must. Yes it is a lonely place and we are vulnerable but hopefully time will help you
xxx
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Hi Marianne so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my beautiful wife PENNY 
to Mets Breast Cancer in November 6th 2019 that she didn’t know she had until diagnosed in October. PENNY Passed away 21 days after diagnosis. Age 67. It’s 4 months today that PENNY Passed away. Life has been unbearable without her. This time last year I was diagnosed with Prostate cancer. Met Penny when she was 16. We Married when she was 18 years old. We had been married for 48 WONDERFUL YEARS . We lived just 15 doors from each other in the same road. Thinking of you at this very difficult time. Please keep chatting on this forum. XXX:heart:
Dear Freddie,
I have been reading your messages and my heart really goes out to you. Your Penny died far far too early. Life can be so cruel. At the moment I can’t see the beauty of it at all and that’s very scary. Your wife died about a month before my husband did. As everyone says it’s very early but I can’t see beyond this very dark hole so I do sense that’s where you are as well. My husbands cancer had spread to his brain which we found out last April. I looked after him at home for 7 months watching him die bit by bit. It was hoffific. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a week after we knew his cancer had spread. Luckily they have caught it early but one never knows with cancer as you well know. Somehow I don’t care about dying but I’m scared about having to suffer the way my husband did. I hope they caught your cancer early as well. There are so many stages to this grieving. I’m still very angry. How sad your wife was diagnosed so late. Did she have any symptoms? On the other hand she didn’t have to suffer long which is good for her. But what a shock for you. I wish I could offer some solace other than sharing that depth of despair so many of us are experiencing. Thank you for sharing.
M
Hi Marianne I’m so sorry for your loss I can relate to what you are going through, I lost my husband 8 months ago and I would like to say it gets easier but with me it has not, I put on this brave face when with family but when I’m on my own which I do like to be I’m in bits,we had just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I lost him a few weeks later, I have lost a few family members which I love and miss every day but losing my husband is so much worse my home is not the same it’s just a house with memories take care sending youa hug just take one day at a time that’s all we can do xxx linda
Dear Linda, That really is hard to lose your husband so quickly with no time to prepare. What a shock.
Having said that it may have been a blessing for him to pass away so quickly but for you…
You were spared seeing the fear and agony of dying in his eyes… That’s no consolation for you at the moment. I know. The loneliness the walking around a house with shared memories all around. For me like you it’s agony it’s unbearable at times. Nothing matters anymore. Why should it? We used to share our experiences our feelings… I wish I could be more hopeful that things may change. All I can say to you is that I hear you and feel for you and I think I can understand that horrible emptiness and pain which to me is so understandable. Lots of love M
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Hello I lost my husband not long after Christmas after 45years of marriage. My mind is in complete turmoil I just can’t understand that I will never see, hear or touch him again the man that I shared my life with . It is very early days for me I know but since my husband passed I have been able to recall almost every part of our life together which is a comfort impart but also upsetting as you know that you will never experience it again .
Completely struggling to even comprehend the finality of it all.
Hi Lostsoul1 so so sorry for the loss of your husband of 45 years. I lost my Wife beautiful Penny 4 months ago in November I would like to say it’s easier but for me it isn’t just seems to be getting worse. Feel so lost and useless without Penny no one phones or comes to see me life is so lonely now . Penny was my life my world. This time last I had been diagnosed with Prostate cancer it was a horrible time then things got even worse with my Penny Passing away. We had know idea of Penny’s condition it just came out of the blue. Life has been so cruel this last 18 months. At the moment I can’t even consintrate on the good times we had together. To think I will never see Penny or be able to hug and kiss her in this life again. If ever again. Just hope we will meet again in afterlife after this world if there is one. Just feel so lost without Penny . Just hope days become easier for yourself and me. Just wish we could have those 48 wonderful years back. Just don’t what to be here anymore without Penny . God bless you my Darling Beautiful Penny . Thinking of you all the time we are apart. xxx
Hello lost soul,
Yes It’s a nightmare I’m there too. Completely with you. Where is the person you have shared your life with. How can one bear never to see or touch or speak to that person again… Incomprehensible… People are often kind but… Unless you’ve been in this situation no-one can even begin to even have a glimpse of what’s really going on for you/ us.
I wish I could say something helpful but… Like you I spent 45 years with him. Love M
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Hi Marianne As you say it’s a nightmare that won’t go away in your mind you it will and that very special person will come through the door but that just won’t happen. Just wonder what Penny is doing now. Want Penny to be with me or me with Penny . Can’t see this getting any better life has gone xxx
Yes of course part of our lives have gone. Nothing will ever be the same. Its soo cruel. Maybe in a few years we can learn to breathe again to find some solice even for a few minutes. But. We have to hope or…
M
All your messages echo each others sentiments, grieving is harsh and relentless. I am very fortunate that we were blessed with 4 Children and 3 Grandchildren, and although our children are themselves grieving for their beloved Dad they have been very supportive which is a comfort to me . I still feel that nothing right now can feel my void .
No it can’t fill that void but how great 4 children and grandchildren it means your husband is in a way here… M I’m very glad for you
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Hi all just been a horrible couple of days haven’t sleept just feel drained of energy knackered as they say. Just missing my Penny more than ever. My son is under so much strain. He says he feels so ILL. Can’t see a light at the other end or begin to think of the future. Penny was my future but that has gone. Just want to see and hold my darling beautiful wife PENNY again. 48 years is a long time but It was supposed to be longer. This time last year I was frightened of dying but it happened to my beautiful Penny . I am not now. Just want to be with you Penny . xxx
Dear Freddie
My heart goes out to you. I feel exactly the same as you most days. Its too painful to describe.
For me the only thing I can do is to try and survive one hour at the time. Is there anything at all you can do in a day which can distract you for an hour or so?
Have you ben able to put Penny somewhere special in your house? Somewhere where you feel especially connected to her? M