Life & Death

The thing I really struggle with since losing my Dad is that he’s just a memory now. He was a person with all that is involved in being but now there’s just nothing. I keep thinking if I turned up at the hospital (where he spent the last weeks of his life) he’s going to be there. I know deep down he’s really gone but there’s that teeny tiny bit that doesn’t. Does anyone else have this issue? I can’t relate to the whole ashes thing either. That that’s all there is left of a person :cry:

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Hello, this is part of grieving I guess…accepting that our loved one is no longer physically present. Death can’t take away the relationship you had with your Dad and your connection to him will now be through your memories. Sadly grief forces us to accept this devastating circumstance. Most people don’t really think about this until they suffer a significant loss and understand the pain of absence. I have to check on my Mum’s empty house in the aftermath of her death and it’s so hard to feel the lack of presence…:cry::broken_heart:

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Hi,
Sending hugs of support :pensive:. Especially when a bereavement is resent, it’s a big shock, & I guess are natural default mode is doing things on autopilot. As part of this, sadly there are moments where, for a split second, we forget that they’ve gone, things like, seeing a show advertised that they would of liked, & for that split second, I think “I’ll tell her about that,” then I remembered they’re not there.
When my mom first passed away, it’s like my brain developed a coping mechanism, I would let it believe mom was just away visiting my aunty, as if it was looking for another excuse to explain the fact she wasn’t here, sadly this meant part of my mind was waiting for a phonecall that deep down I knew would never come. It’s been 2 years since she passed now, & slowly I’m learning to accept it, & allowing myself to grieve, to cry, to remember things, to work through how I feel about things in the past, & the way it’s turned out, & memories I know I’ll never have.
I know the empty spaces are hard to take, but in some ways that’s what makes the memories all the more precious.

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@Pandaprincess @Rosiepink Thankyou for your replies, sorry for the loss of your mums. You’re right about seeing the things they would’ve enjoyed & self preservation. Thinking they’re away instead of gone forever. Rosiepink, checking on your mum’s empty house must be so hard. I look around at my Dad’s stuff, particularly in his sheds & it hurts. You’re also right about the not thinking about loss until it’s affecting you. I was guilty of that, I’d see a funeral car & think it must be awful following your loved one on their final journey. It’s not until it’s you doing that does it become real…Pandaprincess, you’re right about the memories you’ll never make & how important the ones we have are. All those moments I took for granted. If I’d known on my last visit it would be the last conversation we’d have, I’d have used better material. It really helps knowing I’m amongst people that know these things. Thankyou both. X

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I feel like my mum is on holiday or something. People ask me whether it maybe just hasn’t hit me yet and now I’m petrified that I’m going to realise and have a massive meltdown at some point and I’m scared of when that will be.

I feel like I can’t remember what her voice sounded like and she only passed at the beginning of April.

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@Cee , thank you for your kind words.

@MrsY, grief is a crazy thing sometimes, I think we all have our crying moments, & our melt down moments, loosing a parent is a big change, & we are entitled to our feelings, just ride the wave, & work through it in your own way in your own time.
If you’re worried about melt down at a bad time, maybe talk to friends & family, it might be helpful to have a plan for dealing with this, for example, take deep breaths, & use a distraction technique, I usually use “count the blue things,” I count all the blue things I can see, with the idea that I can try to calm my mind down, & delay whatever thoughts are running through my head, then when I get home I can just let it out, shout, scream, cry, whatever, alternatively, if you have people you can call in moments like these, it can sometimes be reassuring just to have a plan that you feel you know what to do in these situations, but you do what works for you.

@MrsY I can totally relate to that & finally realising he’s gone & eventually I’ll have a massive meltdown (knowing my luck it’ll be the middle of Sainsbury’s) Sometimes I worry I won’t remember Dad & other days he’s as clear as ever. Hugs to you X