I have posted on this thread before,and was in a hell of a state then,but I’m getting worse now.I lost my wife 2 years plus ,ago and can’t really cope recently.One of my main problem is that I,m just waiting to die,although I don’t want to,it’s a feeling I have on a daily basis.When my wife passed away,I was totally lost after being with her for 52 years.It’s now over 2 years and I’m worse than I’ve ever been.I just would like to be happy again.
I’m 72 with a brain of 32 if you know what I mean.I go every day to my local coffee shop for about an hour or so.Im very out going by nature and everyone knows me and has a natter.I come across as a cheery chap,which isn’t put on,but it’s just the way I am.Nobody knows that inside i,m totally deflated.My daughter pops up just about every day for half an hour for a cup of tea and a chinwag.I also paint miniature figures to a high standard,which is a hobby I’ve had for over 35 years and has turned into therapy now as I can switch off when I’m painting.
These activities sounds like I’m doing o.k.but it’s all a facade,as I can,t release my true feelings as it would have people that know me to worry about me,hence the reason for using this forum,although as I’m writing this,I just feel like it’s a total waste of time for me.It’s good to vent your spleen occasionally.I suppose,but I’ve now come to the reality that this is the rest of my life,and happiness has flown out the window.
It’s difficult to imagine that I could be truly happy again but I feel the real issue is to avoid complete unhappiness. Looking back I don’t think that everything that made me happy was related to the existence of my wife but she was probably the foundation for being able to function as I did. I don’t suppose I realised at the time or even gave it any thought.
I’m fortunate in that I have a lot of interests and I’ve always been fairly self sufficient but I feel that a depth of sadness holds me back, that thing about living under the cloud. Occasionally something does provide a lift, often things that can’t be planned for. A couple of days ago I collected my car from the garage expecting the bill to be over £600. It turned out to be £90 as the proprietor had got the warranty company to cover most of it. That did make me happy, but only for so long.
As we’re all so different it’s difficult to be prescriptive but my approach is to try lots of different things and hope something provides some interest and enthusiasm but I don’t expect happiness as such. I can get moments of pleasure just from a simple walk along the river. I firmly believe some people are just naturally happy people and that they have that mindset. They usually exude positivity. I wish I was more like that. My wife was very much like that and it helped her to cope with her final years. Her default position was smiling. I can’t imagine how I got so lucky as I’m not like that. That’s probably why I looked older than my years and she looked younger than hers.
Dear Brian
How nice to see you posting again…and what a brave post too!
I think you have dared to put into words how so many of us actually feel.I try very hard to be positive…to look for things to still be grateful for and to give my life purpose…I know that there are so many others out there whose life is emptier and lonelier than mine…but in reality I personify Eleanor RIgby and have two faces…one that only I see and one that I keep in a jar by the door and put on for other people!
Sometimes I think that we actually expect too much…that by constantly comparing our current existence with the life we once lived we are preventing ourselves from finding acceptance and possibly contentment of a kind with what we now know. Perhaps though this is not the place to try to be too philosophical!!
Anyway…don’t give up ! There has to be a point to all this and perhaps the future will let us in on it…take care and please keep posting x
Hi Thanks for your comments,as theyre much appreciated.I think a lot of my problems now, are the fact that someone so close to me, for so long died,never to come back.That took ages for that to sink in and i have dark moments on occasion where that thought hits me hard.I worry a lot of my own mortality,as my wife was a very strong minded person and i was stunned when she passed away.I’d lost both my parents when i in my 20’s but there is no way that it was anywhere near the loss i felt with my wife.The pratical side of me says get on with life,but there’s the other side which is all doom and gloom,and i can subconsciously switch from one to the other on a daily basis.
Anyway,enough about me.I hope you have some peaceful and happier times ahead.
Brian
Good morning!
I guess we all have a doom and gloom side…some people are half full when others are half empty and that affects our response to life. I probably shouldn’t tell you this given your location but Barry often joked that the stork had dropped me off in the wrong place…that I should have been born north of the border not in South London because I was/am a “doomy-gloomy”.
I hope today is NOT a dark one for any of us…keep looking for the light Brian…it has to be there somewhere ×
Hi Supersad
I’ve just joined and been reading through some posts. Yours said how I feel. The putting on the brave face, everyone saying how well you are coping. Life moves on, but for me it feels it stopped when I lost my husband. I go about my day to day chores, join groups, volunteer but so much time I’m feeling the emptiness and loneliness.
I tell myself the past has gone, the future is yet to happen so live in the moment and try not to think far ahead. Easy said!
Take care and hope the dark clouds are few x
“I tell myself the past has gone, the future is yet to happen so live in the moment and try not to think far ahead” I wish i had a pound for the amount of times i’ve heard these words,as you’ll no doubt know, that that’s easier said ,than done.You’re loss of your husband,and the way you feel, is a real feeling of pain and helplessness .I too go out and about,and it looks like i’m coping really well to everyone ,but the feeling of loss and emptiness is always present.There’s nothing worse than when you feel lonely in a crowd.I personally can’t see myself having a future where my feelings will change,as i feel lonely most of the time.I remember when i first lost my wife someone asked me how i was feeling,and the answer i gave was rudderless.I’ve lost all sense of direction,as my wife was the strong one in our time together,and now that’s gone.I try to accept that on a daily basis,as thinking too far ahead is pointless.
I genuinely hope that things get better for you,and it’s been nice to share ones feelings ,and to know that you’re not entirely on your own.
Brian
Hi you sound like a really nice person, you care about other people and don’t want them to worry, you try hard to be cheery and are young at heart. Plus you have great therapy. I wouldn’t mind having a go at it. Could you not find a club/organisation local to you that could benefit from you teaching them about your hobby. I would be first in the queue.I hope you don’t mind me saying this but as you have a young brain, cheery and enjoys a chat perhaps you need a meaning in life once more. I try to be positive, try to get through each day. Some bad some not so bad. One day I hope to say good again. Good luck to you.
Hi Pattidot I’ve read your reply and thank you for joining in.I had written quite a long winded reply,but it came up with an error,and my reply was lost.I will get back to you soon.
Brian
Hi Pattidot
You’ve just about got me to a T.If I can’t help myself,I get pleasure from helping others.As for my hobby,which I’ve been doing for over 30 years,and has always been a passion of mine,it’s now turned into a kind of therapy,as it’s the only time that i can totally shut out all my thoughts.Although I only spend about 2 hours a day painting,it does help.
I’ve always preferred talking to females,as men tend to be a bit less sympathetic.I’ve been going everyday to my local coffee shop for some years,and have got to know the women who work there ,and a couple of customers,ranging in age between 21 to 80 years,and I usually get all their problems they’re having,which I don’t mind,as if I can help,it makes me feel a bit better.The only problem is I can’t say how I’m feeling and seeing couples together saddens me,as it makes me feel more lonely than I already was.As I’ve already said I had been with my wife for 52 years and I’d known her since I was 17.I miss her more now,than when she passed away.As she was everything to me,I expect to be like I am,until it’s my time to go.
I miss the companionship of a woman,but not for the reasons people would think,but just to be able to talk and listen to someone and share a cup of tea with.Now if I said that to a male ,he would think the obvious,hence one of the reasons I prefer talking to women.I’m rambling a bit now,but basically my problem is I can’t share my feelings,but I can listen to others willingly.
Anyway,enough of me,how are you?It’s a help being able to offload on a forum like this,and I appreciate you replying to my plight.
Brian
Hello Brian
All I can say is ditto. Been just over two years now since my wife of 46yrs died, and I feel the same, just waiting on my turn. Its like my whole married life of raising a family, see them grow up, and leave the nest, and suddenly and unfairly, the book is slammed shut! and the expectations are to start a new life and chapter.
Well, I don’t want to start a new life, my little family was my life. Im nearly 68 now, and retired. Ive taken up photography, and art as a pastime, but every minute of the day, I think of her, we were not just married, we were soul mates, lovers, bestes friends, like you, I miss her more now than I when she past away.
I find now these days im not afraid of death anymore, and have surprised myself becoming a bit of a rebel, becoming more flippant and daring. I break the rules,(not putting anyone at risk of course) keep of the grass, I`ll walk on it ect ect
People I know told me, god has plans for you have patients, well, two years on, and im still waiting, there must be a long waiting list!
John
So sorry for your loss it’s utterly devastating im heartbreakon destroyed my soulmate passed away in my arms six months and five days ago my life is over take care as much as possible x
I’m so sorry for your loss it’s six months and six days since my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms every second is getting worse I cant describe the pain and anguish im terrified and can’t wait to be on that list too take care x
I pray every second it’s the last we built a home together it’s just a house now with no laughter jokes empty and silent scary also what I’d do to walk downstairs and see my soulmate sitting on the dining chair or to think I’d get a cuddle tonight or a kiss goodnight even a hold of the hand im utterly truamatised being alone I cant get used to this just why?what I give to even kiss my soulmate on the forehead in the chapel of rest anything in the world every second I’d getting worse and unbearable it’s harrowing
Hi Brian, (writing that seems peculiar as my husband was also a Brian). I think you still have so much to offer, it’s just finding it. You sound a smashing chap and would be an asset to any group I’m sure. Do think about doing something with your hobby. Teaching others might be something to help yourself as well as other people. What about your local library, our’s has always got something on the go and we have local painting classes, talks, etc. Your hobby could be of interest to others Unfortunately I’m not ready for group activities yet, perhaps at a later date.
I keep myself busy though as we had an allotment each, now I have the two of them and this keeps me occupied and something to focus on. Sometimes I can’t face it, but make myself go and then pleased that I am making the effort. I am a keen walker and have two lovely dogs that take me out for regular long walks and usually meet someone to have a natter to. I am a member of the ramblers and hope to resume walking with them sometime soon, this is an excellent organisation to go out with and a chance to meet people or do you have health walks near you, again a chance for a walk and a chat. My husband was also a walker so it’s having to accept that he isn’t there with me now that I am dreading. I walk alone with the dogs at the moment.
Your so right about men not being sympathetic, I don’t think they know how to handle it. If I mention Brian’s name at the allotment the men will immediately change the subject.
I can understand you missing the companionship of a woman, what’s wrong with that. Some of the best friend I’ve had have been men and they were only friends. I have some now, all are married but we share an interest (the allotment) that their wives don’t.
Just a thought, have you a local hospice, I have just found out that the one near me has all sorts of activities in the daytime and evenings for anyone to go to. From choirs, yoga, relaxation, group therapy, prayer, and more. I’m not ready for groups at the moment, although I do go to the group meetings once a month. There is also the ‘Oddfellows’ clubs, which are all over the country. Don’t know much about this as yet, but believe they have plenty going on There are so many people out there crying out for friendship it’s just knowing how to get started as most of us haven’t needed anything of this sort as we had our loved one’s and that was enough. Best of luck to you Pat
Thankyou so much for your kind words means alot I just want my soulmate back I really can’t carry on I find myself saying be at the shops or in hospital it doesn’t seem real the loneliness is unbearable long long silent nights where we would be having conversations with eachother discussing things watching the television just to know my soulmate was In bed with me accidentally knocking knees just to know the warmth of knowing they are there it’s devastating I lost my grandma years ago don’t get me wrong I grieved alot but nothing at all like this thus is every second filled with dread it’s nice for the people who have children we never a very self sufficient couple did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays few friends all back to there lives understandably I cant believe what gas happened and how long the nights are sitting alone it’s terrifying take care of yourself as much as possible x
Hello there. What you are feeling I can so relate to. It makes no difference to me if I am with a crowd of people that emptiness is still there. I was told by a Group Counsellor that it was best to let life come to you and it might be better to leave groups/volunteering for a while until we adjust and not rush into things. I think this makes sense at least for me it does as I find it hard in groups. I can manage one to one fine and sound quite like my old self. But when faced with a group of people I shut down, become nervy and sometimes just want to have a good cry. So I am going to patiently wait until I’m ready to resume my life. I’m sure I will know when that time comes. In the meantime I too get on with my life, have interests and continue to do them. I believe in fate and whatever is meant for me will happen, I just have to live with this dreadful grief for the moment.
Take care Pat xx
Hi guys, yep we’re all sadly in relatively the same boat. I have three grown up children, which I haven’t had contact from since Christmas. They tend to think grieving should be over, and I should be back to what was my jovial disposition, and making a new life. That can never be.
What I find hard, and I mean really hard, is visiting places we loved, and I still do. Local haunts I’ve done emotionably, but, it’s the places, holiday haunts, with all the happy memories, that I want to visit, it’s getting the courage. The strolls down the shore hand in hand looking for little pretty shells she’d collect. The cosy cafes, the endless walks.
What hurts, is seeing other couples arm in arm, young and old, and sometimes in the distance, a siloette of a young couple with children, that all of a sudden becomes you. The times I’ve sat with tears in my eyes reminiscing past times watching young families enjoying themselves.
Yes, the book is closed and there’s no going back. All we can do, is make the best of it until our departure ticket arrives.
On another note, I’m rather pleased that it was her that past away, having a horrible disease, and not me. At least she’s at peace, no pain. I wouldn’t have wanted her to have to go through all this.
John
So sorry for your loss it’s utterly heartbreaking in my prayers and thoughts take care of yourself x
It’s only me again.Just thought i would unload some of my problems,to share.
It’s been about 3 years since i lost my wife,and i’m coping slightly better with her loss,but i’m now got that feeling of what’s the point,as i’ll be going soon, no doubt.I couldn’t share that feeling with my family, as it would upset them,as they all think i’m doing o.k. as my default setting is cheery when they are around.I’m now 72 and although i’m reasonably in good health,i have the feeling that i’ll die soon,which makes everything i would normally do worthless.
I lost my dad when i was 18 and my mum when i was 24 and although i missed them.it was nothing remotely close to the passing of my wife.I can’t remember the last time i went a whole day being happy,and that’s me taking anti depressant pills.I’m basically stuck in a massive rut and can’t see me ever getting out of it.My wife’s sister passed away about 4 years ago and her husband met someone else after a year,which got me angry at the time as he too,was married for over 45 years,and i couldn’t get my head around how heartless he could be,but that was then,and i wonder if he’s done the right thing and i’m just stuck in my loneliness.I’ll probably never know, as at my age,it’s all too late for me.
C’est la vie
Brian