Last November, I lost the most important person in the world to me, my Dad.
My Dad was everything to me, I called him three times a day, he would move heaven and earth for me, we were two peas in a pod. He was my hero. My Dad was the strongest person i’ve ever met, his will and determination was like nothing i’ve ever seen.
He had a heart attack previously, then 3 years ago he got lung cancer and then secondary bone cancer. He beat the heart attack, beat the lung cancer, so as far as my family and my Dad was concerned this was another thing he’d beat.
Dad began scans, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, everything they could throw at him. He was in agony at home so he was taken to Sue Ryder Leckhampton Hospice. They are truly angels and they worked hard to get his pain management under control. He was really scared but throughout everything he was positive he’d beat it.
Dad was in Sue Ryder for around 2 months, we saw him every day sometimes twice or three times, I’d be there everyday saying when can you come home or when you come home we’ll do this. Sometimes I think it’s a huge part of what kept him going. He was a fighter and he got up everyday in immense pain from the cancer in his spine, dusted himself off and fought again.
He finally got to come home but it was very short lived, he came up against infections, he would be home for a day or 12 hours and then he’d be rushed into hospital. It was too much for one person to cope with really.
His will and determination was second to none, he was an absolute inspiration to me and my family. No one around us really knew how bad it was but we didn’t ever imagine it would end the way it did and we believed in him more than anyone.
The last time he came home was for 2 days and he was just in another world because of all the drugs.
He couldn’t cope with the pain so he went back to Sue Ryder, we called them and just said we need your help, and they came to our rescue. He got another infection so was taken to hospital where we were told he was dying, my brother, mum and me stayed with him and he died a day later.
Family came to say goodbye and Dad could hear us but couldn’t speak, it was a very hard time, the memory of it is a very painful one. I said goodbye to my Dad Thursday evening, easily the most painful thing i’ve have ever had to do. How are you supposed to say goodbye to your best friend, near impossible. The nurses came and looked after him and we went the next day and he was still there, still sleeping and we just wouldn’t believe it, I was waiting for him to wake up and prove everyone wrong and we all believed that would happen. I think the fact we believed so strongly in Dad is a testament to not only how amazing he was but to how much we loved him.
He was put out of any pain and could hear us but it would have been like a big dream to him so he got distressed if we cried or got angry because he probably couldn’t understand why.
It was actually the infections that took over which come with cancer and unfortunately he just couldn’t fight any more.
It was painful to leave the room and it took us a long time, the minute I left that room I would never see my Dad again. I can’t explain it, but that pain can often be found in me and my family most days. What followed was the most painful number of days, collecting his things, death certificates, funeral arrangements and coming to terms with the fact my Dad was gone. Personally, I still won’t let myself believe that, he has just gone away for a while.
I have dealt with it the only way I know how and have learnt there is no correct way to deal with grief, yes you make bad decisions sometimes but it because you are broken and trying to learn how to fix yourself, which by the way is near impossible. I’m very proud to be his daughter. Everyone who I speak to about my Dad, tells me how much he loved me, how proud he was of his family, what a decent, honest, lovely man he was and that’s all true. I had the most wonderful, amazing dad who worshipped the ground I walked on. I think i’m pretty lucky in that respect.
It is hard to be without him, incredibly so but I’ll be with him again one day and talking helps. It’s been 8 months since he passed and I go to bereavement counselling with Sue Ryder.
I hope this can help someone going through the same thing, or something someone can relate to.