Life

Hi all, like a lot of you I dip in and out of here. I have spent the last 4 days at home with very little outside contact. I’m 50 years old and have just got to 8 months without my husband. A part of me feels like I’m living in self pity but this is not how we planned our life’s. I just watched a film called the bachelor the story line was what we are going through loss of a loved one .needless to say I cryed most of the film. So many things I have heard are true like we only start to live again once we except and move on . I feel like I exist and can’t see a future. I’ve stopped being a mum,Gran,sister and friend but don’t know how to move forward. Like many of you I have been prescribed antidepressants but have never taken them as I don’t want to mask what I need to go through,my opinion only. I read other posts on here and although it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone it also makes me sad that so many people are suffering out there. I wish we were all closer so we could meet and support each other more and be able to have a proper hug instead of a cyber one. Rant over .
Yvonne.

I wish we could all meet aswell.im 9 months into loosing my husband.im trying to bring our 2 children up as best as i can but im struggling…i dont like the word self pitty as i dont think it applies when you are grieving.i dont have much contact with the outside world either im verg miserable and because of that i sit and think whats the point of carrying on? Yes i have two handsome boys i know but if im just existing what is the point on carrying on when all i do is cry and be miserable what life is that for my boys x

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I don’t think any of us in this situation really wanted a life on our own but how ever much we wish things could go back to how they were we all know that they can’t. It’s difficult to see how we can build a new different life as we didn’t really want that. We can’t rebuild the life we had as we have lost an important part of that and the rest of the world has moved on. I have four kids and I can see that I’m building new and different relationships with them and, eventually, I think that will happen with friends as well. Somehow I want to make the most of whatever life I have left and I know my wife would have wanted that for me. I keep trying different things, particularly those things that mean I meet and talk to others. It’s not easy but I think it may get easier. It’s a necessary distraction and it may lead to more interest and more enjoyment. Maybe I’m learning from the experience. Ultimately I would like to feel more comfortable in my own company and not just feel like I’m doing things in the house because my wife would have expected it. It might be useful to plan a list of challenges and put a tick in the box on completion. I realise that I can’t really rely on anyone else to guide me to a different way of living. I suppose to be brutal it’s sink or swim and those big waves of grief and sadness just make things harder.

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Hi hun, we will get there x I go from rock bottom low to coping then back. One day at a time. Here if you need to rant x

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Hi yourshire lad. Everything I read makes sense and I’m sure I will get there eventually. Glad you are finding your way through and I’m sure you still have bad days too. Take care x

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Sorry spell check got your name wrong

Hi Yvonne. It’s nice to “meet you”. I wish we could all meet up too. I would give you the biggest hug if I could and remind you it’s normal to feel exactly as you do right now. Grief is the darkest, loneliest and most hopeless of times. You are certainly not sat there in self pity. You are grieving and of course you will. You’re 8 months in after losing your husband. I lost my Sister and that was / is heartbreaking. But i see my brother in law and my heart breaks more for him. To lose a partner is a different grief process all together. I don’t know how i would get through it. It must change your whole life, on every level. I noticed your user name too. “Saddo”. It made me sad as it seems you might be being quite harsh on yourself during your most vulnerable time. You are not a saddo and you are not wallowing in self pity. You are desperately grieving and have the right to feel exactly as you do, and to cry your heart out and to scream in rage. I do hope you find somewhere that maybe offers a bereavement group where you can physically meet people who can offer you the love and acceptance you need right now. Feel free to private message me if you want to.
With kindest regards
Debs x

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Dear Michi
I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. I wish i had a magic wand to take away everyone’s pain. Grief is just horrendous, and having to cope with that and look after little ones and the day to day stuff is just so hard. I hope you havr3 emotional and practical support around you to help you get through this.
Sending you love xx
Debs x

Thank you debz for your reply it really means alot…no i dont have much support at all…all i get is hes gone, its life deal with it, why are you still cryin…all that kinda stuff. I try and be happy for the boys but its so hard a big part of me has gonex

Hi Saddo
It’s one thing that I ask is a honest hug not one given with some pity I miss that the most
Just a genuine HUG
I was hoping that this site would maybe bring people with the same pain together I see a lot in your message that has the same wants as me please don’t stop and keep on writing

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Hello Yvonne. I completely feel what you’re feeling. I wake up every morning & ask God to let me join my husband who passed away last February after nearl 30 years of marriage. I joined a Facebook bereavement group as well as here. They help in so much as I can see what I am suffering is common in so many of us but there are no real life hugs on these sites. I am older & I have no friends or family in my life. They have all turned away from me. I have never ever experienced such misery as I have now. Most of my days are alone. I see no point to anything. I wish we could get together all of us. This is a living hell. I also won’t take those tablets that the doctors dole out like smarties. I have heard bad things about them. They won’t give me my husband back, nor will they bring family & friends back. It seems to me that at the most awful time in one’s life when one needs the most understanding & compassion that they’ve ever had that people around them harden their hearts & just get on with their lives. My heart is constantly weeping.

I send you a big hug from my heart Yvonne & all those here.

Hi! Thank you for your post. I can echo much of what you have written. Obviously we didn’t choose this new life but have to make the best of what we have. I am a big believer in making the most of what we have been given although it has taken me a while to accept this (2 1/2 years). I think I’m starting to get somewhere. It’s definitely being positive, which is not easy sometimes. Still some bad days wishing Peter hadn’t gone but accepting why and trying to make the best of life on my own. I have 3 boys, a loving supportive family and friends (and a beautiful puppy) who all do what they can to help me on my journey. I hope you continue to make the most of your changed life. X

Hugs to you all. Xx

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There’s the difference Jay. I constantly hear people say that family & friends help them through terrible ordeals, often they say they couldn’t have got through it without them. I have literally no one. Most of my days stretch out with me & the TV. I have come to the end of the line.

Hi Veda, I feel for you so much. I got 2 kittens yesterday and although I didn’t really like cats I actually looked forward to coming home. They will never fill the void of my husband but are company and have had me smiling again. Sending big hugs x

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Thanks George. Yes I’m still around. I had a better end to the week as I went and got a couple of kittens lots of fun and something to take care of again. Hope you are well and continue with one day at a time. Yvonne

Hi Yvonne. I lost my partner Ron almost 4 months ago. Some days are okay, others not so okay. Believe me, things will improve over time. Antidepressants don’t mask your emotions or feelings. I’m on them, and they have helped me to cope with everyday ups & downs ( at least the ones I’m on do ).
It would be great if we could all meet up and have a big human hug and chat. We can’t do that, so I’m afraid that I can only give you an internet hug.
Take care of yourself. X

Thank you Saddo. Big hugs to you. X

Hi Yvonne. Don’t know where you live or if its Rural. I am 57 and have just lost my husband 4 weeks ago. I’m just picking up on what you said about everyone being so far apart. I live in the rural Highlands of Scotland. But about 20 miles away they started a project called Man shed. As the title says it was a handful of men ,but woman started going and now they are a bigger group. All supporting one another through their loss. I’m early fays yet still dealing with officialdom but as soon as thats done with I shall try it. But perhaps its an idea to start a group with widows/ widowers just at home , coffee etc and a chat …
You could be the pioneer in your area! I wish you the best . Eileen.

Hello Saddo…Yes, I dip in and out of this site too. Mainly because, I’m with people who are in much the same awful predicament as me. It is a comfort too. And support - something that I haven’t got the luxury of. Well, not if you count one visit a week. And the odd text or two etc. It’s as if I’ve disappeared. I’m 72 and luckily can get out and about. So I’m not restricted to having to stay indoors. But the funny thing is, once I’m out I wish I was back at home - and when I’m at home wish I was out. I guess being home gives me a sense of being back with my departed partner. A feeling that somehow, she is with me. But you know, grief is very hard work. A process that has be to gone through. And if you commit to the work it can work for you and me. Mainly because grief has a momentum of its own. It can’t be rushed. And for me, that is the big problem. Not rushing the process. Finding a way to living with a reality that we don’t want to be true - whilst the grief process wends its way through to some sort of conclusion. And whether we like it or not, if forces all of us to face our own mortality. Which, for many of us, we’ve probably spent a lifetime trying to deny. The brutality of my partner’s passing shattered my ability to accept that the impossible has happened. But accept it I have. Bit by bit. The howling loneliness of being without my partner has left an abyss. The key to not falling into the abyss is the help, love and support of others. If you have them, that is. For me, I have to dare to go forward and trust in life again. Somehow. Embrace the inevitable. Learning to live with reality of what has happened. Besides, we can’t ignore it. My partner often told me that this life is only an experience. How right she was. Maybe eternity beckons? RayJay.

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