Living hell

This is the first time I’ve had the courage to write a message although I’ve been following conversations for months.
11 months on the first of June since my husband died. Every day is worse than the one before.
I’m utterly broken. This pain is unbearable. Today has been my lowest point. I don’t want this life.
The most brave , wonderful, loving man.
Following chemo and extensive surgery for bowel cancer, from which he was recovering , he had a cardiac arrest. He spent 5 days on a ventilator before I had to agree to turning off his life support.
How is it possible to carry on living without him. He was my everything. My other half. My soul mate.
I know that those of you who read this will understand these feelings. That is as much comfort as I hope to gain from this. Just to know that out there others truly understand.
I’m tired of putting on a brave face and appearing to be plodding on day after day. I’m tired of pretending that I want to be here.
I wait for him to come home.
I wait every day, just in case this is all some cruel nightmare that I find myself in.
That’s all I want. Please come home to me.
I’m full of rage. I shake with anger. I’m angry at everything and everybody. I drink more and more every day to try and numb myself.
This is a living hell.


@Roo1 hi I am so deeply sorry for your loss I lost my soulmate pauline on the 14th April to cardiac arrest I can relate to everything you are saying its horrible without them we are not living anymore but simply existing I wish I could offer you words of comfort all I can say is I carry on because pauline would want me to and we have pets so they give me a reason to get up everyday I’m nothing but empty without her please try to ease up on the drink its not the answer I know it might numb you for awhile but the pain of this heartbreak is still there you will find support and understanding here I know I have and it helps a little just someone else understanding my thoughts are with you stay safe take care


Thank you for your kind words.
I really have tried but I feel like I’ve reached my elastic limit. I’m so fed up of listening to others telling me about their problems and anxiety. I want to scream at them.
I want to pack a bag and disappear and be left in peace with my own thoughts of my beloved but I’m afraid of going anywhere without him.
Thank you for listening.

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I’m truly sorry for your loss, sudden loss is devastating and it’s hard to try and understand how we find ourselves in this place.

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@Roo1 yeah it is hard toughest thing i have ever had to face I’m so empty and lost without her and people should be being there for you and not putting their stresses on you not with what you are going through do you have support around you?

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I have grown up children and 4 grandkids ( 1 new baby since my husband died which I found very difficult) .
They are all grieving in their own way and I have tried my best to support them . But to be honest , I can’t grieve for their father anymore, I need to grieve for my husband, my best friend, my everything. He was my man. We were so devoted to each other and I need to have space in my head just for him. Does that make any sense?
Apologies for rambling on , I’ll blame the wine .


@Roo1 I’m often in and out of here so if ever you want to talk I’m willing to listen and try to offer support

Thank you
I hope you get some rest .

@Roo1 I will try to not sleeping very well since it happened

@Roo1and you are welcome I hope you are getting rest

Hello @Roo1
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you have posted on here but in these awful circumstances. You will find so many caring and supportive people on here, we all understand and feel your pain.
I find I have to put my mask on to family and make out I’m coping, but it gets too much and overwhelms me so I have a depressing week of non stop crying and can’t be bothered to see anyone or do anything. I feel better when I offload to my counsellor but I only see her once a week.
Try to cut down the drinking, its not the answer, it can make you more depressed, that’s how it affects me, I find it only temporary numbs the pain.
11 months its still so raw for you, that’s what people tell me, it takes time to see the light, we have to ride the rollercoaster. Its a hard journey with so many emotions.
I get how you feel I wait for my Marti to come home, I want him back, I need him back, its as if I’ve took the wrong turn, I’m looking for him, he’s somewhere but I can’t see him, then I realise he’s gone, gone forever and its so hard to face it.
Please try to get some rest.
Sending you a virtual hug
Amy x

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19 weeks since I lost my husband. We both had covid (yes the one some deluded aholes say is no worse than a flu). He died, I am in a living hell.
Today I received the forms from NHS which will give me access to his medical records.
I am tortured by the thought that in my covid confusion I was like a nodding dog, swept along with the decision to switch off the ventilator.
I had covid, in a normal situation friends & family would be with me, each & all asking 1001 questions about his care, the treatment, the decision. But this nodding dog just went along with the docs decision to switch off the machine that was keeping him alive.
I should have said no no no - give him another 24 hours, why not?
I cannot ever forgive myself for not even thinking of challenging their decision.
Another night without sleep at 3.42 .

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@Maigret hi I am so deeply sorry for your loss and that you are going through this but please don’t torture yourself even if you waited longer it may not have made any difference you are suffering enough without tormenting yourself I can feel your pain I’m often around if you want to talk my thoughts are with you and you listened to the doctors as most people would sending you hugs x

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I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. How do we explain how all consuming and exhausting this grief is.
I hope you managed to rest a little and send virtual hugs. Thank you for your reply.

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I totally understand your feelings and the questions and doubts that go round your head. It’s these feelings of not trying hard enough to save our loved ones which haunt us.
I hope you have had some rest and can at least take some small comfort knowing that someone understands how you feel.

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I get it. I keep thinking that I didn’t look after him well enough. That I should have noticed that he wasn’t quite right. That I shouldn’t have let him go out for a run when he’s had the vaccine a week before. But then I think that he wouldn’t have gone out for a run if he had felt unwell. I just can’t stop my mind going round and round it.


Unfortunately I think we all torture ourselves with the “what ifs”. I was not satisfied with what I was told the results of my partner’s post mortem were. They do not make any sense. Unfortunately I am not next of kin, and his children wouldn’t pursue it, or give me permission to pursue it. In the end I have had, with great difficulty, to accept that no matter what, I cannot bring him back. Now when the “what ifs” surface I have to try and quell them. My partner was very ill a few years back. I thought I was going to lose him then. He had not told me then about his symptoms as he hadn’t wanted to worry me. I made him promise that in future he would tell me if he ever felt unwell or not right. He was absolutely fine before he died. Then he was gone! It hurts like hell.
@Roo1 there is a thread on here called NW meet up I think. I don’t live in the north west so am not going, but I believe they are arranging a meet up in Manchester, possibly next weekend, if you feel up to meeting other upset bereaved souls. It may or may not help.

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Dear Roo1

So sorry for your loss. I have two grown up kids and two grandsons - one born after my husband died. I understand the difficulty that new arrivals come with - we are delighted and welcome them into the world but it is a world without someone special there to share this with. Out son has a picture of his dad immediately above the crib and I often pick up baby and show him to my husband, but then the tears flow and you do not want to cry in front of your grandchildren.

I feel anger frequently and am hoping that counselling might help as this is focused towards my husband and this then makes me cry because he is not here to enjoy everything we had planned.

I found keeping on the mask exhausting and have just withdrawn into my own surroundings whenever possible. I try to put on a smile for our kids and they do the same but the eyes give everything away.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for you while your husband was in hospital and having to make the decision that you did.

I wish I could take away your pain and those of others on this site.

Take care.

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@Roo1 it makes perfect sense he was your soulmate your world and there is no need to apologise I find myself talking to pauline all the time and even though I know she is gone I still have those times when I expect to see her when I come home or when I get up and it breaks my heart she was only 52 life without them is so hard but we go on for them and they live in our hearts and I truly believe we will be reunited with them one day again I am so sorry you are going through this heartache my thoughts are with you

Hi Maigret,

How my heart goes out to you. I too will never forgive myself for going out shopping one particular day. My husband said he will have a sleep in bed and I said I’ll be back soon, stay put until I get back. He got up earlier than usual and tried to go out to sit on the bench outside but he tripped over his oxygen tube, and he fell onto the hard ground. He had a collapsed lung and a punctured lung and a damaged eye socket. He had to go into intensive care and they more or less told us he would probably die. He actually didn’t die until weeks later (when he got pneumonia for the third time). But I can never forgive myself - I came home five minutes after he fell. I had met a cousin and was talking for a bit, and to me that would have made all the difference to me being there. Overall I feel like I could have saved him, and I feel for sure all this contributed so much to his death. I imagine your husband probably couldn’t have been saved, and I know a doctor wouldn’t switch a machine off without being certain it was the only thing to do, but I know the torture you must feel. You were ill yourself though, and that is also so tough on you, I know this feeling will always stay with you. Keep talking on here if only for a bit of a distraction. It is almost two and a half years for me, and I still re-live everything in my head. I know Eddie wouldn’t want any of this for me, but how do we live without the most important person in our lives?