Living in shadow.

Today (like most days) I spoke of you again.
Each time I say your name in my throat and heart I feel a brutally cruel pain,
People ask “how are you?” …my reply is always the same…“I’m good thanks”…I lock away the pain.
Reality is surreal, my day and nights combine. I hate social circles, as before I was the social butterfly. Pitty I do not crave. Understanding is a distant frequency wave, which I cannot seem to find.
I wonder if my smile will ever feel the same?
I miss our emoji jokes and twinnie things we’d unknowingly do the same. This was my safe place, my sanity. Does this mean I’m now insane?.
You said don’t cry… in public I try, but when alone I wish I could stop the flow, the pain, the fear and sadness I carry. People tell me how brave and strong I am… I want to scream STOP!! I’m not strong at all, it’s just that I’m good at an emotional block. Don’t they see that I’ve lost the most beautiful part of me! Even walking is heavy. But I wait for the day when I can say your name and smile…I pray to get there someday…

I came across this quote and thought instantly of you…The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross


Thank you for that . Very moving .Very accurate summation of what it’s like .

You’re welcome x

Thank you for your beautiful post. I am so sorry that you have lost your sister and send my love and prayers to you and your nephew as you approach your first anniversary…anniversaries are horrible because the sheer fact that each of us has managed without our loved ones for that period of time somehow exacerbates our loss but they are also the opportunity to do something really personal and beautiful…your sister will always live on in your heart and your nephew will never forget his mum…I have got through the last two years by carrying my soulmate with me in my heart and trying to make him proud of me. It is just what we who are left behind do…and will carry on doing foever.
Take care x

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad I joined this group. And find that there are people out there who “get it”.
Yes I’m dreading her anniversary. Family are all discussing a remembrance get together and if I’m honest I couldn’t think of anything more suffocating right now. I would much rather do something quiet and beautiful, but I know that will upset others… who knows how the day will turn out? But one thing is for sure, I (like yourself) carry her in my heart and do her memory proud xx

Beautiful am going through immense grief and it was lovely to read this