Today (like most days) I spoke of you again.
Each time I say your name in my throat and heart I feel a brutally cruel pain,
People ask “how are you?” …my reply is always the same…“I’m good thanks”…I lock away the pain.
Reality is surreal, my day and nights combine. I hate social circles, as before I was the social butterfly. Pitty I do not crave. Understanding is a distant frequency wave, which I cannot seem to find.
I wonder if my smile will ever feel the same?
I miss our emoji jokes and twinnie things we’d unknowingly do the same. This was my safe place, my sanity. Does this mean I’m now insane?.
You said don’t cry… in public I try, but when alone I wish I could stop the flow, the pain, the fear and sadness I carry. People tell me how brave and strong I am… I want to scream STOP!! I’m not strong at all, it’s just that I’m good at an emotional block. Don’t they see that I’ve lost the most beautiful part of me! Even walking is heavy. But I wait for the day when I can say your name and smile…I pray to get there someday…
I came across this quote and thought instantly of you…The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.