I’m 65 now…lost my wife to cancer 9 years ago at the age of 49. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. All these idiots who tell you to join group therapy or get counseling have no fing idea what they’re spouting from their disgusting pieholes. Talking about it does NOTHING for the incredible loneliness you feel night after night, morning after morning as you get home to no one and nothing, eat dinner alone, go to bed alone, wake up alone with no one to talk to, eat breakfast alone, no one to be there for you, no one to do things with and nothing but emptiness. And I’m one of the lucky ones because I have friends, both male and female, to do stuff with all day long. But every g.d. night I’m alone.
And does knowing “that you’re not alone” make you feel better? Knowing that someone else is going through what I’m going through is supposed to make ME feel better??? Idiotic rationale. Maybe counseling can help me to “cope”. In other words, your still going to be lonely as hell. But I/we will help you deal with it. What a gdd*mn joke.
Sorry for your loss and sadly, what you don’t want to hear, is yes unfortunately everyone here is in the same position, loneliness is the worse part of losing someone we love, how we deal with it is very individual but ultimately it is only us that can change things. No amount of therapy or counselling is a cure or fix for loneliness. They can only give advice. After 9 yrs which is a significant amount of time you could be going through being stuck or delayed grief. Sometimes we have to look inwardly for answers. It’s ok to be angry, resentful, helpless or whatever emotion you are feeling when you wrote your post, nobody is judging. If we supress emotions for a long time they get stuck within us, so it’s good you have expressed how you feel. That’s a start.
Oh dear youre very angry lol … but i kniw whst you mean. Losing my husband 3 years ago and its still tough … i miss having a partner so much and the worst thing is i still don’t sleep like i used to because that security has gone … people have no.idea how tough this is until they have walked that road xx.
@Jlt492 sorry to others but i agree totally with what you say. most of these counsellors havent got a clue, they have read a few books and passed a few exams but know nothing about loss or the real world and they try to tell you how to be.
no amount of talking solves the fact you are on your own 90% of the time and like me at 70 knows there is not going to be anyone else now. plus people are lucky they can afford to go, its not free. glad you have people during the day, i dont but yeah night times are long. hugs
It is very sad you obviously feel so incredibly angry after 9 years , I wish you well .
dont matter where it is my reasons for not going still stand
I am so sorry what you are going through. I just keep waiting on the bearable days
Dear @Jlt492
Thank you for your very honest post.
Thls is what this site is for, you can say what ever you want.
3 years for me. And I agree the loneliness just so intense.
I work , and long hours , to fill the days (and nights sometimes - shift work at the hospital)
And like you I do go out. I wouldn’t say I socialise, but I go to the pub and sit there with my two little sidekicks (dogs)
Sometimes others meet me. Sometimes I’m glad for that. Sometimes I want to sit on my own. Grief is so complicated. But whatever the loneliness is always with me, at work, when with people -friends and family occasionally. And at home on my own.
The sad horrible truth is that now we are just one , not two, and that is always going to be too hard to live with and accept.
Love, hugs and strength to you
No if you meet somebody though … it does fill that hole … i don’t wanna be by myself thank you. Had a boyfriend for a year - sadly its not worked out but i intend to keep looking … my dad met somebody at 80 and married her so there is hope of a kind of happiness x
I have to reply to this comment as from my experience I have to disagree. I had a relationship and also an online connection with someone, both ending (mainly my own fault for trying to look to another person to put a plaster on my wounds and a distraction from losing my husband), I know now that’s unfair to another person and not actually what I want either … As a consequence it made me look inwardly at myself and I had to dig deep and ask myself what I truly wanted, I don’t want temporary, I want long term, real lasting love and I have to be in a place where I can give that and not just receive it … I realised that wrongly, both situations were actually just a distraction to fill that loneliness/void I felt (the online one was strangely a lot different, no idea why ) however, for me I learnt a lot from both experiences and learnt I had to fully heal and be complete by myself before entering into any relationship and I was not in the right place either times. It’s absolutely not about filling a hole, or a distraction, it’s learning to be ok alone and not needing anyone to complete or validate you but for a person to add to and share your life from a place of wholeness not brokeness, enhancing your life, not fixing it and grief definitely causes brokeness. It took me a lifetime to achieve real love with my husband so it’s not going to happen overnight with just anyone is it? At least we are all equipped with knowing what a soulmate should look like. I am impatient and tend to rush things but not now as noone can fill a void, I want real long lasting love and commitment and won’t settle for anything less so my lesson was to be patient and slow down but if that also means being alone well I know I am also complete without someone.
Loneliness is a vulnerability and what grief does to us that we all try to fill but sometimes for all the wrong reasons… My personal view now is love can find me if it happens because I am not looking for it as I am enough by myself and the benchmark my husband left me as what true love is
I didn’t know what a soul mate was until i met my Kevin January 2022 , I had spent many years on my own but was never lonely and when I decided to do online dating I knew the next man I met had to enhance my life, I can tell you Kevin did that. After losing Kevin aged 63 to SADS in April this year I have never felt lonelier, three years was just not enough time with a man who loved me unconditionally. I don’t know what the future holds for me and I hate this rollercoaster of a journey I am on , along with so many others. I am fortunate I have very good family and friends supporting me, I just hope with time I can feel less lonely like I used to .
I have never felt loneliness in my life until I lost my husband, I have a great social life and supportive friends and a good life now, after finding the strength to rebuild my foundations after losing him but I missed that soulmate love, when you have had it, it’s so hard to live without it but I don’t want to be going from relationship to relationship trying to replicate it. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting so my hardest lesson was to find that love within myself and not to look to anyone or anything else to fulfill me. To be honest he will always be my true soulmate but I still believe you can love someone else. I am blessed to know what real love looks like so will recognise it if it blesses me again. As you get older 60’s onwards, life as we know is short and I’m not wasting my time and energy on anything or anyone that doesn’t have depth to it. I am living life now to the full and if that is just me then I’m finally ok with that. Life is all about growth, learning and evolving. Thank god for gin and tonic 
Don’t know how you coped with online dating lol
I tried it but just for fun as I’m very selective and not very tolerant of idiots and gosh those sites are full of them lol
I came off after 2 wks, I find the whole thing depressing, like looking through a catalogue. I look beyond looks but you couldn’t see beyond most of them on the site I was on!
I like how positive you are and I agree when you get to your 60s a relationship should have depth to it . I am so grateful Kevin came into my life be it only for a short time and I will never forget him ever , he was such a positive man which has helped me as I know he would want me to carry on living . I did so much with him in 3 years which was so wonderful , I could just be me and he loved me whatever . I count myself very lucky for him coming into my life when he did and showing me real love 
I was diagnosed with cancer end of April but an op to remove it thankfully gave me the all clear so I decided to just do what I wanted without overthinking anything and I upped sticks and moved to the Isle of Wight but it didn’t work out as missed my friends, came back and finally I’m settled. It was good as I now know I can do whatever I want to. I am financially well off and an adventurer so that’s where I am happy now My 2nd soulmate is somewhere out there waiting to join me on an adventure…
@Linda01
A soulmate is not limited to a timeline so your 3yrs together is what has left the true mark on your heart and soul. It is a blessing. Some people can be together a lifetime yet it is not a soulmate connection. With a soulmate you know instantly, you cannot explain it. It’s a knowing in your heart, like something you have never experienced before. It feels like destiny…
@Ditom64
It is a blessing you are right and has left a true mark , I absolutely agree too that people can go a lifetime without ever finding their soul mate . It is that connection you just get each other heart and soul. I feel honoured too that Kevin said he had never felt the way he did about me with anyone else , he passed away at his happiest .
@Linda01
That’s lovely to hear. I also think retirement plays another huge part in loneliness too. Having worked all our lives to reach retirement and having planned that future with your partner and then suddenly having to fill that time 24/7 every day alone is also a shock to the system. At one point I contemplated going back to work because it was so daunting finding outlets for your time, thankfully I am fine with it now as I am never short of stuff to do anymore. Nice to chat to you
Well each to his own innit … i did have a deep connection with my last boyfriend. Just didnt last but not my fault … his … really don’t need a lecture because its a personal choice … and i don’t wanna spend rest of my life as a singleton cos find it too lonely … we can all make our own choice and thats nothing to do with anybody else either. I am not trying to replace my husband … i just need somebody to love and love me again …
That’s it kid you go for it … find somebody if it makes ya happy !! We not on this earth just to be miserable … or to be punished …as my sister said bless her soul she passed away last xmas … live, love,laugh x