Thanks for your reply, I am so sorry to hear about your friend but at least he had you to be there for him. It is an awful thing to watch someone you care about go through the end stages of liver failure, it has broken my heart seeing him like that and I relive it every day. Don’t want to live without him, we were very insular , didn’t really need many other people in our lives. I too struggle most at night and have rung the Samaritans several times, it helps at the time but not for long. Hopefully both of us will come out of the other side at some point. Take care.
So sorry sweetie - it’s still so raw for you. I still won’t walk down the alcohol aisle in the supermarket - those fancy bottles should have a skull and crossbones on them. My partner was putting away three bottles of red wine a night at the end and still telling me he’d quit or cut RIGHT back - but I’d be finding empty bottles hidden away. It twists their minds so they believe what they are telling us and if they can convince themselves they can certainly convince us for a long long time in their denial. And society at large is trying to convince us too - I met him at university in the 1990s and everyone there was drinking every night so it didn’t seem abnormal until it carried on into his forties. He died at 45. It is easy to feel angry, especially in early bereavement, but the addicts are just trying to survive like everyone else and their body and mind are telling them they won’t survive without it. I wish I’d known more - I know plenty now thanks to Al-Anon - but in the end I couldn’t have saved him, they have to save themselves and they have to help each other; we ‘normies’ don’t know how their minds and bodies work so they can keep fooling us and themselves that they are still in control unless they ‘hit rock bottom’. Al-anon has slogans and the main one is ‘I am powerless over alcohol’ and it’s true. We can’t change other people, only ourselves. Right now you will be in too much shock to think beyond tomorrow but a time will come when your brain will start to work again and you can make choices for yourself. I really do recommend Al-Anon, not just as a place to vent but also because the members really do support each other in any way they can and you need that right now. Big hugs x
So sorry for your loss too its just awful isnt it it will be 16 wks tomorow since i lost my partnet aged 42 he had always liked a drink but i had no idea he was also drinking 3 bottles of wine a day not red but rose until he admitted it just before going in hospital I dont knkw how long and asked him the question when he came out of hosp in march i said have you always been like this since we met he said no while he was in hosp i found loads of empty bottles never understood why he didnt get rid of them his consultant told me it takes 10 yrs to get to this it hurts so much and always will that he admitted the problem wanted the help kept saying when im better then he was gone ill never get over it but i feel at ease at the moment its been 1 hell of a year but i need to look after myself and our 12 year old daughter i still love him despite eveything.
Ans yes ive learnt already dont be guilty they have to want to help themselves he did but was too late damage was done. X
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Thank you so much for your reply, we planned to cut down when I retired but he was drinking 3/4 bottles of whiskey a week, plus red wine and Guinness, so much more than I realised. Like yourselves, his liver was too far gone for any help. I will have a look at the Al-anon website xx
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Hi thank you for sharing about your partner --I always thought as a friend I could do nothing but talk to my friend , he had separated from his wife after loosing his job , I thought somehow it was that he was on his own alot ,( he was interested in things ) but never really had any outside interests, when I first met him he had a thing for red wine , and in the later stages it was a bottle of gin near enough a day from the local off licence, I always felt guilty I couldn’t help him more , I was an hour away I went over on my day off took him for lunch / shopping but it got more & more that he wouldn’t eat , or now I realise (he couldn’t eat), , although we talked on the phone every day , I think from your experience my friend did quite well to last as long as he did , and even if id lived nearer calling in more the out come would be the same
,I kept saying to him your killing yourself , im hoping I can come to terms with things soon & move on , the thing that hurts the most is he was such a kind thoughtful person , –
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Hi Richard
You sound like you were a fantastic friend and he was lucky to have you. My husband has always liked a drink but not to the extent he was drinking at the end. It started to increase when he was suffering from his first spell of anxiety, he was still working at the time but said he needed a pint or two to get him through the day. So he would visit the pub every lunch time, and then carry on in the evening. Then we started drinking more spirits and the rest is history. I still love him so much and knowing what he went through that last week of his life breaks my heart. I know it was self inflicted but it doesn’t make it any easier. What must he have felt when he was told that there was nothing they could do and that he had 1 - 5 days to live. Our world fell apart, I cannot ever imagine going through anything worse than this and I know it is the same for many people.
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HI yes they seem to get on that slippery slope , my friend had been in hospital 2 weeks before he died , I think they had said to him that they could do nothing for him , he must have discharged himself saying hed got family & neighbours to look after him - but in truth he had no one calling in - I should have realised, I know I couldn’t have done anything,
he didn’t tell me he was dying , that week id booked my car in for service so didn’t go over – I so wish hed told me so many things left un said , & the last time I did see him he was in such a state I spent time changing his bed ,shopping , & cleaning the bedroom floor -in the end it was all in vein , i wish id just sat & chatted with him now ,
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