This has taken me a long time to be able to share something like this so openly and so raw. After a lot of deliberation and encouragement from someone else who has found comfort in using this platform, I’ve decided to see if this somewhat helps my grieving process.
I lost my dad on the 5th of December 2020. Only 10 months after giving birth to my second child. Ever since his passing it has been tough. I feel completely dead inside and I don’t quite know how to dig myself out of it. I can only describe my daily feeling as numb/ completely dead inside. I’ve found myself constantly pushing people away and being so so angry at the world.
I’m a mother of 2 so of course my emotions switch off to some extent for most part of the day but as soon as my children aren’t present or I get the slight chance to even think of a memory of him, his voice, his smell etc, im a complete mess. My heart breaks massively all over again. It’s as if each episode of me breaking down, is reliving loosing him. If that makes sense?
I’m 1 of 9 children and I’m the second youngest. My dad had me quite late in life so when he passed he was 82 years young. Fortunate enough for me though that meant I had the retired dad, the always at home dad, always had time for me dad and I will forever be grateful for him. Then theres the unfortunate downside and that meant that, i was never going to make it to my 40’s and still have my dad by my side. There was always a chance he might not see me get married or see me buy my first property and so on. Simply because his age, wasnt on his side. Luckily i have 2 little girls age 7 and 2 who he did get to see enter the world. He adored my children and had the best relationship with them. My eldest who is 8, has never known life without my dad so has found it pretty difficult. Where as my youngest, sadly will never have any of her own memory of him, which breaks my heart. My parents were together for over 30 years so I was very lucky to still have both of my parents together for so long before he passed, you don’t see much of that nowadays.
I’m hoping sharing even snippets of my grief with other people will help me deal with the loss of my dad a lot easier and maybe, who knows I may even help someone else too.
Thankyou for taking the time to read. I hope to share experiences with others just like me. xx
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Hi @Leesh_93,
I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and how you are feeling, that must be very difficult. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
You may also find our Bereavement information helpful too:
I really hope you find the community a good source of support. I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please do keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Becca 
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Hi @Leesh_93 I’m so sorry about your dad. My dad died in February 2020, I miss him so much. I hope you find these pages helpful to get your thoughts down. Sometimes it’s hard to put into words how you feel. You’ve done well to write your first post.
Aniella xx
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Hello @Annie1707, thankyou for your lovely words.
I’m really sorry for your loss too my lovely.
such a devastating blow. Yes, completely agree. I always end up sounding angry when I say how I feel because I always bottle up how I really feel. I have this anxiety of people not wanting to hear me talk about it over and over. So when I do eventually open up, it’s a mixture of devastation and anger all in one.
Be kind to yourself❤️
xxx
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I can relate to that. I find it difficult to say how I feel sometimes because I find it hard to put things into words. They are such strong feelings and it’s overwhelming sometimes. Has it helped writing it down? Message anytime you would like to chat xx
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@Leesh_93 I lost my Father in January this year and what you have said is exactly how I am feeling now 6 months on. My friends must be bored of me talking about it, so I try not to, but it’s always there and never goes away. If I go some time without talking or crying or thinking about him I feel guilty.
I miss him so much and everyone is so supportive, but I don’t think they’ll ever understand how I feel and the pain you feel when you lose someone so close to you.
Thank you for sharing.
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Hey @Neeny83, I’m so sorry for your loss my lovely❤️
6 months is still so raw too isn’t it. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. In experience I’m still no closer nearly 2 years on from ‘finding it easier’ (I don’t think it actually does tbh). I feel the exact way when it comes to talking about it, I often stop myself from opening up in fear of eye rolls and sighs. Hopefully you & myself can find some comfort from this platform because everybody here has their own journey with grief. I think we just have to find our own ways of ‘coping’ so to speak. Please don’t hesitate to message me, even if you need to offload. Talking about your dad, your loss or your feelings will never be boring. xx
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I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad unexpectedly in 4 days with 2 on the ICU and not able to visit due covid, but also wouldn’t see him in the state he was in and he was in coma and passed away on the 11th of august 2020.
Feel free to message me if you wanna talk or vent.
Janine.
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