Loosing my mum

Hi all, I’m new to this group.

I lost my mum at the beginning of December of last year and I am really struggling.
She was admitted to hospital on the Saturday with an infection and dehydration and passed away at 8:30am the following Friday.

To see her deteriorate from getting admitted to hospital broke my heart. I knew she was in a bad way but deep down I didn’t want to face the reality we were loosing her.

She was the rock which kept the family together. She was always there for us to bend her ear, have a laugh with and all the normal mum things.

I know they say time is a healer but I feel so empty. My kids keep mentioning her and I get upset, I hear music, smell perfume etc and I well up.

The first of everything (Mother’s Day, birthday) were so hard since her passing. I still bought the cards and wrote them. Can’t bring myself to get rid of them.

People say they understand but a lot of them haven’t lost their mum and I get angry and can’t cope so I remove myself from the situation.

Any help or guidance would be appreciated

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Hi,
So sorry for your loss, it must have been very difficult for you to go through those final days.

Like you I am quite new to this community, a couple of weeks in but I have got comfort from reading many of the posts. People are very friendly and caring even in their own difficult situations - but maybe this is a good way to help ourselves by contributing and sharing.

I am dealing with the sudden loss of my mum, aged 70, in January and trauma of finding her in her flat and as an only child I have had no one to really share the practical aspects but also to share the emotions. Grief can be a lonely place and unless someone have gone through something similar it is very hard for others to provide support and sometimes they can feel awkward or come across insensitive - but not always intentionally.

From a personal point of view I have taken to starting to journal my feelings/thoughts. Nothing too formal but just getting down on paper some of my thoughts. I think it is a way for me to try and not just whirl around in my head all the time. Early days in terms of whether this will help. I’m also considering getting some counselling mainly because as I mentioned, it can be difficult to talk to friends or family if they haven’t been through something similar and I don’t want to feel like I’m a anchor on them and bringing other’s down.

Feeling emotional when someone mentions your mum or you hear music is perfectly fine. Music has been one of my main ways to feel I’m sharing with my mum. I grew up in the 70’s/80’s and my mum was very in to all types of music. We shared so many albums and listening to music takes me back to my childhood, teenage years and university and a connection to my mum. She had such a variety of tastes - as do I (we diverged a lot in more recent years - she would often laugh at some of the Metal gigs I was going to). I listen to music from albums we liked in an evening on my own and even though I can feel sad (which I do a lot of the time) I also feel connection. Something small, but something that makes me feel a bit better.

So I think finding something that allows a positive feeling of a connection is good. I know some people talk about visiting particular coffee shops, or other places on certain days.

Sorry for the ramble. All the best.

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Big hugs, my mum passed 6th April, my dads 70th 21st May and their 50th wedding anniversary 2nd June and they were impossible without her, all the firsts are impossible, life seems impossible just now. I am so angry too, I feel you. I guess it’s all part of the grieving process, we will feel every emotion, we feel people don’t understand and we mask our pain. I’m trying to stay strong for my family and my daughter, I cry when she has gone to bed, I go to work everyday and I try to focus and function when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget :heartpulse::heartpulse: always here if you need someone to talk too. Take care.

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My mum was only 70 too and music is what will always hold a special bond to her and my sister and I. We were Motown girls! Things are still too raw for me and my thoughts are not positive at the moment, my mums death wasn’t sudden so much as we had been told last August “enjoy the next 6-9 months” so we knew she wasn’t going to get better but the final 4 days were quick and very unexpected and I’m still in shock 13 weeks on. I’m grateful for Sue Ryder and this community, I know I’m not alone :heartpulse:

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Hi, I just wanted to echo everything already said in response to your post. My Mum died unexpectedly in January and I understand exactly what you’re feeling. I know that grief has changed me, I struggle to feel motivated for things that brought me joy before my Mum’s death. I try so hard to focus on what my Mum would want me to be like, but I don’t always succeed. Although it’s painful, I think it’s a positive that you’re reminded of your Mum and the love that you shared. Keep going, it’s all we can do to honour our Mums. Take care xx

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