My son died 4 years ago. I thought I was coping with his death but I definitely am not. His dad and I have stayed together but it has been extremely hard, as he has been able to make steps forward. Whereas I have managed to go back to work, but I tend to then lock myself away in the house. I do go out with friends/family on the odd occasion but find myself making excuses. I feel guilty for doing anything where I get enjoyment. Why should I be enjoying myself when my son cannot. People tell me he would want me to be getting on with my life.
I have not been able to tell anyone how I feel and I put on a brave face and act as if I am ok.
I have lost my confidence and I panic if I have to do anything new.
I feel as though I died when my son died. I still find it difficult to think that he has died. I find it hard to look at his photo for a long time and then cannot believe he is not here.
I have intense emotion - I get very angry very easily and I have taken this out on my son’s dad , this has now pushed him away, he cannot put up with it anymore and I have moved out of our family home. This is not what I wanted but I was horrible to him and I can understand he is grieving also and he just could not cope with it. He has explained how I was being and said I need to get help. I am hoping talking will help me understand and be able to take another step forward without feeling so guilty.
I have felt life is meaningless without my son, feeling I have no role to play anymore. I feel intense loneliness even though I have family and friends around me.
My aim is to make further steps forward and to understand my feelings and how to deal with them more positively.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son
I’m so sorry it has resulted in you separating from his father
You have been very honest and I wish you all the strength you need taking the next steps you have in mind
You have come to the right place
You can say how it feels here
Many of us talk about the mask we have to keep in place either to spare others the emotions that we have
or because we think people image we are coming to terms with our loss
I hope you have a really helpful professional to support you as you deserve it
Xx
Hello @Anners
Have you had any counselling? It isn’t for everyone, I hated my counsellor, but it may give you some support. I found the best support for me was talking to other bereaved parents. Maybe you can make contact with The Compassionate Friends and find a local group.
We all grieve differently, we all feel our loss separately, even when we share the relationship. My marriage broke down months before my daughter received a terminal diagnosis, she was first diagnosed with cancer when she was eight and died when she was 21. Her dad has moved on with his life but I am like you, I died that day too. I don’t do life now. It’s been two years since she left and I still believe I am living an alternative life, I am still waiting to wake up in the real world, the one where she is still with me, breathing joy into my lungs and laughter into my heart.
I think maybe in time we will be able to do the things we used to, we may even find happiness in some of those things but for now I am safe not doing anything. And I allow myself that. Be kind to yourself, you have lost so much because you loved so much.