Hello @Love01
Thanks for your message.
Today has been very upsetting and emotional, which has left me emotionally drained and exhausted.
I have been finalising my darling Michael’s funeral arrangements with the vicar and the cemetery.
There have been lots of tears and moments of fear, panic and anxiety, on top of the pain and torment I am in.
I miss him like crazy, all of the time, and it never goes away
To be honest, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this.
I take it your day hasn’t been good?
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@HeartofGold
Don’t forget that your soulmate is constantly with you and he will support you through this. Just have faith.
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@RJay
Thank you for your reply and kind words of comfort.
It mirrors what the vicar told me yesterday when I was finalising the Order of Service with him. He was very patient and kind.
He told me also that there is so much more to life than what we know about here on earth.
I am finding that the mornings are the worst…
Waking up, without my darling soulmate next to me, and realising that there is a long, lonely and empty day looming ahead, which I have to face.
When Michael was here with me, we would have tea/coffee and breakfast, and start thinking about, and excitedly discussing our plans for the day.
Michael would always check the weather forecast too, which makes me smile.
We would be so excited and joyous at the prospect of the day ahead and there were never enough hours in the day.
We faced everything together, hand in hand, always supporting and helping each other.
I remember we were always smiling.
Our home was filled with happiness and we didn’t need anything else.
It was pure bliss… it really was.
I used to embrace the start of a new day with so much enthusiasm, and now I HATE the mornings… they fill me with dread, fear, panic and anxiety.
I feel emptiness and loneliness and miss Michael’s presence with all my heart and soul, every minute of the day.
It hurts so much.
I long for him, and the life we had.
The joy which once filled our home from corner to corner, has now been replaced with silence and a deep, deep sadness.
Our beloved cat is also so sad and misses Michael, who always showered him with lots of love and attention every day… they were best buddies.
It is now a case of going through the motions… maybe getting the most basic of tasks done… if I can summon the energy!
Everything seems so pointless and nothing has any meaning anymore.
We were always chatting together and smiling and busily getting on with things.
I can’t believe that my darling Michael is gone… that I will never see him again… the void and emptiness left behind is immeasurable.
Neighbours/friends are oblivious to my agony, as their lives continue nomally, unaffected and untouched by my life-changing tragedy.
He was taken too soon at 58, along with a big part of me and all our dreams and hopes for the future. All gone.
Nobody can truly understand, not in any kind of meaningful way.
There are only so many times you can phone someone for a chat or a bit of support, before they tire and lose interest.
It’s a struggle… a massive struggle, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through this.
I’m really sorry for the downer, but I think the mornings are the worst for me, and the loneliness is overwhelming.
Sending everyone on this horrific and cruel journey lots of love and hoping you have a better day than me 
xx
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I am feeling the same way as you loneliness tired exhausted just can’t see a way forward i cry all the time the house is just full off memories and dreams everything i do i have a memory off us doing stuff it should make me happy but why am.i sad all the time i hate the weekends as that when we done stuff together more we just loved each other so much
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@HeartofGold
Mornings are definitely the worst for me as well. I get up in the depths of despair and gradually improve as the day progresses.
I start with no hope or confidence in my ability to do anything and then gradually build myself up, it’s an exhausting process.
I sometimes think I will end up on a night shift because I get up later and later and go to bed later and later. I find my peak optimism in a day, such as it is, is around midnight.
It’s a bit early in the day for me at the moment so this might not make as much sense as it would if I had written it later!
I agree with your vicar that there is SO much we don’t know or understand, but that is no excuse for missing the signs.
You say your darling Michael is gone but I honestly believe he is still with you and is VERY anxious to support you. Talk to him, ask for his help and advice.
I was dreading my wife’s funeral but became convinced she was with me, especially when she started choosing the music! (I must have told you about that, but will repeat it if I haven’t).
You just need faith. I had faith on that day and it was a truly wonderful day. I can honestly say I managed to get through the whole day without shedding a tear. There were tears all around me, but I felt her strength supporting me the whole time.
The next day was a different story, I was a complete wreck. I was exhausted but gradually, with her help, I recovered.
You say you will never see Michael again, you can’t possibly know that. I will definitely see my wife again and until then she will be with me looking after me.
You are not a victim. You had wonderful years with your partner, years many people can only dream about, and Michael is STILL with you.
Take good care of yourself. You are in my thoughts.
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I hate the mornings to i just dont want to get up and that was never me i was allways the first up making my wife and i tea i would take it up to her every morning i would then help her do things like make the bed or help her with things i cant stand this loneliness and sadness i miss my beautiful wife so much all i have is a house full off memories a d dreams that we wanted to do and this week was really hard as it was her 51st birthday on Tuesday there i am 51 in a cpl off weeks and i am.not looking forward to it not with out my wife
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Hi Rjay and Heartofgold
I too was ok on the day of my wife, Jacquie’s funeral. I am sure she gave me a huge amount of strength. I only cried when I got home and was on my own.
I know she is around me all the time, she has let me know, but it is still not the same as her being here physically.
I am sure your partners are around you, giving support, just be open to the signs, however subtle.
I talk to Jacquie constantly, I find it quite comforting. We were robbed of time together, but I know that I will see her again at some point.
Best of luck for the funeral, and sending support for the future.
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@Jrthorn
Thank you for your reply.
I think my main concern on the day of my wife’s funeral was that it was her day and I didn’t want to be the centre of attention. Everyone said it was a very moving ceremony and I felt it was the celebration of her life that I wanted for her.
I’ve been feeling lately that whilst she took part of me with her, she has left part of her spirit with me. Which means I suppose that we are still a couple but now across two dimensions.
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