Loosing my wife

I have recently lost my wife , 5 weeks ago, and I did not realise how heartbreaking it would be.
We were together for 37 yes married for 35, and not having her in my life is very difficult to deal with.
She had been battling cancer for several years and recovered from several major surgeries, but Sepsis got hold of her and she could not fight that.She was a tough lady with a zest to live life and yet despite all her efforts she lost the fight. I find it difficult and frustrating that all that effort did not enable her to live.
At the moment just taking one day at a time, not planning anything.I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life without her, I am 60,she was 67. I try to take comfort from the fact I was with her when she died and it was very peaceful and she knew I was there.
Loosing her is more challenging as we were not only husband and wife but best mates and soul mates.
I find myself talking to a photo of her.
Covid is not helping being able to meet people and talk about it. Nobody understands how heart breaking it is loosing you wife or husband, unless you have experienced it.

Hello Gary3,

I’m so sorry to hear about the very recent loss of your wife. I am so glad that you were able to be with her at the end, it must give you a sense of comfort in the knowledge that she knew you were there.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

If you feel you need a little extra support, Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

Please continue to post, you will find in a very short time other users will respond to you.

Take care. Stay safe,
Online Community Team

Hi Gary, I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely wife, so recently too. It is very early days for you and I’m sorry to say it is likely to get more difficult before it gets better. But rest assured the grief will eventually become slightly less intense. You are quite right in taking it one day at a time or even an hour at a time but don’t think of the future, concentrate on the present. Everyone on here has gone through , or is going through, the same feelings. In grief it’s ok to do or feel whatever is right for you. Talking to her photo is quite normal, I talk to my wife’s photo several times a day. Keep reading and posting on here and hopefully you will find some comfort from visiting this site.
Take care, AL

Hi Al,
Appreciate your response,just reading through others people’s posts helps. I realise what I feel and how I am reacting is normal and I am not the only one going through it, which at times is how I feel.

Yes Gary, reading other people’s posts does help to make you realise that you’re not losing your mind and that your feelings are quite normal. It doesn’t fix you but brings some comfort.

Dear @Gary3,
I’m not as good at expressing myself as some of the posters on the site, but I was very moved by your story and some of your comments really struck a chord with me.

I am so very, very sorry to hear about the sad loss of your wife. Supporting your wife through her ordeal of several surgeries must have been so draining emotionally, and I can barely imagine how difficult it must have been for both you and your wife. I’m about 6 weeks ahead of you down the same tragic grieving road, and I can barely remember how difficult it was to get through those early weeks.

I can totally relate to your having no idea what to do with the rest of your life without your wife. I’m in exactly the same position, after 31 years as a couple and focusing most of my energy on my wife for the last 11 years, I too find myself at a total loss. One or two of my (few) friends have told me my time is now my own to do what I want when I want, but when the most important part of your entire life has gone, it matters very little. I rise late morning to make the day shorter, and even so I find the days incredibly long. My wife was 10 years younger than me, at 54, and she was my soulmate too, just as your wife was to you. I think, feel, that a bond like that is so strong that it will never, ever be broken, and that gives me a small degree of comfort, and I hope it may give you some comfort too. My wife hated having her picture taken and so I have very few photos of her, but over the last 3 or 4 years I was trying to digitise all of our old photos. I printed off 2 pictures of Nicki and have them blue-tacked to the wall above the mantelpiece. I too talk to them/her morning and night and several times during the day. I kiss my fingers then press them to her lips several times a day, in the belief that she is still around somewhere and is still able to see and hear me.

I’m the sort of person who finds it difficult to be free with my emotions (I like to protect them from pain) and I suppose I like to feel I’m in control of my life, but those very early weeks felt like a total uncontrollable emotional rollercoster. @AL2020 is right in that this forum is a great help, and I know I can easily spend more time than I should reading about the problems and difficulties other posters have and are experiencing. It is reassuring to know that we are not alone with our feelings, and that there are others who DO understand.

Wishing you all the very best,

I too sympathise and all you describe is how I too felt and still feel although now 12 weeks on I realise it is for real and won’t change back to how it was ,I can only wish you all the best on your journey and hope you have people around you who don’t suffocate but are there for you when needed .
It is the single most painful thing that I have ever been through and wouldn’t wish it on anybody ,I miss Eileen so much and she although not cancer had very serious illness issues for last 28 years and in lots of ways she always felt she was living on borrowed time ,just I hoped she would have borrowed another 20 years
All the best as I am breaking down writing this and trying to get ready for work so try have a good day as best you can ,it does marginally get less painful

Hi. That is my fear the future. I lost my husband if 47yrx 6 months ago. How can you fear the future at 67.?? I cant imagine a future without my soulmate,freind and a wonderful companion. I do realise I will have to make a new life for myself as my children has theres!!
I do beleive I need to greiv him out of the shear love we shared and I want too!! Unfortunately its not very quick this greiving process but in time we all will come through it and hopefully when this terrible virus has gone.xx
I think what I am trying to say is there will be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel just embrace our greif its attribute to how much your partner was loved. Xx

Hi Steve,
Thanks for your reply,this type of communication helps. Sorry your response to me triggered you getting up set, but I fully understand where you are coming from and I agree it is the most painful and emotional experience I have ever had. I sympathise with your loss and hopefully like me you have lots of great memories to look back on, but it would have been better, as you say, if it could have gone on for longer.

Hi Alston,
Your reply moved me, I had a cry, these things just trigger thoughts a memories. My wife did not like her photo taken either so I had to be crafty, but there were times she caught me out, which always makes me smile.
Because me and my wife were so close she was always clear in her mind and adamant that there would never be anyone else in her life if I had gone first. I totally get where she was coming from. There is that special bond that cannot be replaced.
All the best.

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Dear Gary3, I just want to tell you how sorry I feel for you - I know losing your wife was heartbreaking for you.
My wife died suddenly in our living room last November 2019. I have not totally gotten over it - to this date I miss her a lot. I Al told us to talk to her photo - I have at least 5 up now. I live with memories thru them. I knew her for almost 15 years now, married for 8. She was a big part of my life. I am sharing this with you because it may help in letting you know that there are others, like you, men, women, you and old who have endured these heartbreaks. I come here now and then to be reminded that I too am not alone. Please take heart that knowing there are some her that truly understand what you feel and what you are going thru. Check in now and then, let us know how you’re doing. Bless you.

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