Hi , this is my first post on this forum. I lost my partner of 16 yrs 5 weeks ago. It seems like 5 months. I try and stay busy but nothing has any meaning. The time goes so slowly. My partner was in ccu for 8 days and didn’t make it. I’ve been devastated every second since. I’ve slept on the settee for over 6 weeks with either the television or Alexa reading an audible book, as the silence brings demons in my mind. I don’t sleep in the bed as I’ve never slept in it without her. Before she was in hospital we had never spent a night apart. I don’t really want to be without her. She was the kindest, beautiful person anybody could meet. My world is in pieces. I have 2 dogs, 2 sons, and 4 grandchildren but that still doesn’t stop me feeling I just want this pain to stop, but it never does. What is really concerning is that I don’t think it ever will. I feel guilty that I’m alive and she isn’t . I’ve 2 and a half stone in those 6 weeks. I can’t eat, sleep and just cry when I think about my sweetheart. I can’t find any joy in life, it’s just really hard just getting through any day and night. I’m just fed up with everything. My lads are really helping me but it’s just not working. I just don’t know what to do.
@swojto sorry for your loss. It really is an awful situation that we are all in. Life is so cruel. This community helps so much as we can relate to all those feelings and a great place to chat, rant, whatever you feel will help. Take care
I wouldn’t want to inflict this pain on my children but I really don’t want this nightmare to carry on for much longer. I’ve thought of myself as being a strong person, but losing the love of my life has just crippled me. Everything is so pointless. Me heart is so broken I just wish I could press a button and have some peace.
Sorry for your loss. What you’re feeling is normal, believe it or not. The early day and weeks are just as you describe. The agony of staying, the agony of leaving, the agony of getting through each hour. It is horrendous and you don’t want to hear that either.
But it does get easier, days get less all consuming, you start to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
On this forum, we have either been there, are there, or just starting the journey. Your own personal journey. What we have in common, we know what it feels like, we understand and we are here to help.
Share how you feel, no matter how dark your thoughts, they are better out than in. Cry, scream, do whatever it takes.
We all have our stories, we all have our experiences. I’m 15 weeks on Sunday, having lost my partner suddenly and unexpectedly, Together 16 years 3 months and he was just 49. It’s hard, it’s unimaginable, it’s the worst thing you’ll experience.
But it does get more manageable and days get a little brighter. It’s not all consuming and raw.
Glad you found this forum. It will help, just reach out.
Very sorry for your loss @swojto. @Ali29 has summed it up pretty well. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel - don’t give up. All I can really add is that Sue Ryder do offer bereavement counselling (Online Bereavement Counselling Service | Sue Ryder) and don’t be afraid to talk to your Doctor about how you feel. Ask for help if you need it - that’s what your Doc and Sue Ryder are here for. We’re here too if you want to have a rant or share or just talk. Best wishes.
Hi Ali29, thankyou for your reply. I’m in a terrible place at the moment. It was such a perfect relationship with a perfect partner. I was so privileged to have loved and been loved by such a lovely person. This is why it’s so painful. Mandy was only 60 which I consider so young to die. I can see the pain of even a younger spouse passing away. I hope you are right about time, but I think that might not work for me. I feel so guilty that I’m alive and Mandy isn’t. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way, but that doesn’t help either. I know she would have felt exactly the same. As far as I know I haven’t any medical problems but I wish I don’t last too long. I know this is sad but I hate my life without her. I’m glad you can see some light , but mine is very dark. You also take care. Stefan.
I’m so sorry for your loss, losing the love of your life is the hardest thing to bear. I recognise those feelings of not wanting to be here without them, the depths of despair in those early days & the pain is physical. I’m hoping that my message helps you because I’m now 3 years on & one day at a time I’m learning to live alongside my grief. You begin to accept that you’ll never get over it & that removes the pressure you put on yourself. Some days I still feel I don’t want to face the world so I don’t. Today is one of them, they hit you & you can’t do anything but just go with it, tomorrow is another day. I’ve stopped feeling guilty of laughing & enjoying myself without My Derek, he was only 59 & I had to try & live my life, it’s not been easy, each day is a challenge. I’ve accepted it’ll never be the same but I do it for him & with him in my heart. I carry his photo wherever I go, I take him with me. This poem by Donna Ashworth with our photo together on goes with me everywhere.
Sending love & strength 
xx
I do thank you all for taking the time to message me. My mind is my own worse enemy. My sweetheart struggled for 8 days with double pneumonia, water infection, and start of sepsis. The latest chemo she was on spoiled her quality of life and destroyed her immune system. Me and Mandy’s son could only be with her from 2 to 7. The next 19 hrs would go so slow. It was heartbreaking to watch as she was deteriorating and not improving. The last act to be there when Mandy died was the worst moment of my life. This 8 days can’t be unseen or be forgotten. These memories give me great trouble. I had 16 very happy years but I can’t get through that last week. I have her ashes on my mantle piece in a lovely casket. I just wanted her home. I kiss when I go out and when I come back home. I’m hoping it will help soon, but even with this it’s so hard. I find everything pointless.
Jodel172
What a lovely poem. I am two and a half years of terrible loss of my soulmate and I echo every word you say. I think reaching the conclusion that I will never get over the awful loss has in some strange way made my life a little easier. I hope everyone finds acceptance and peace in their life.
Mine was also dark and I had all the thoughts you’re having now. I so wanted to join him and some days I still do but they are rarer and reality of leaving children and family with this pain sets in.
Just take small steps, minute by minute, hour by hour.
Ali
This is beautiful!
Hi Ali29, I wish I could be religious but I’m not. I think that people who do believe must get a lot of comfort that they will see their love ones again. I haven’t got that comfort. I have left instructions in my will to have my ashes mixed with my late partner and scatter or keep which ever gives them the most peace. I also have Mandy’s photo on the screen of my watch, and also have a small quantity of her ashes in a cremation bracelet which allows me to take her with me where I go. Thanks for your kind words. Stefan
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do keep Mandy’s photo on my watch screen and have a small amount of her ashes in a cremation bracket. This lets me feel like she’s always with me and I can take her everywhere I go. It’s still very hard to get through days. I feel a burden to my son as I seem to need to get out of the house. The only trouble is I fear coming back home. Thank goodness for the television to distract your thoughts. Take care Stefan
That last week is all you are reliving and thinking about BUT I promise you that though you will keep those memories they will, in time, stop being all consuming .
We cannot rush grieving and it’s different for us all . I really thought in the beginning of my journey that all I would remember of my lovely man was his illness and how dreadful it was .
Yes I still have times when I feel very sad about how he suffered but also I can look at photos and talk to family about happy times .
I must add I am 3 years down the road and the journey has been slow with many bumps and hurdles .
I am still sad . I am still lonely . I still wish he was here BUT we can’t change things . Be kind to yourself and take just one day at a time . Do whatever you find helps if only for a little while . Mine is walking in the outdoors , often by myself but sometimes with friends . You will find what helps you in time .
Sending caring thoughts your way
Hi Susan71, thank you for your reply. I’m trying to keep busy. I am selling all the stuff I have collected over a lifetime. This is so my boys won’t have to do it. Mandy would have been so pleased that I am getting rid of the large amount of stuff I have. Me and her son (28) are sorting Mandy’s possessions out. This is very distressing for me ,but all the new stuff is going to be sold and the proceeds are going to a charity centre that helped Mandy so much. The donation at her service went to the same charity. I know she would want us to do this with her possessions. It’s hard to let her things go but I have her in my heart, as I was in her’s. I still wouldn’t wish these feelings on anybody. It’s sad that all soulmates couldn’t leave this world together. You take care and I wish you peace in your life. Stefan
Hi, today is pretty bad. It’s so horrible to not want to be alive. Every day seems endless. It’s so hard just to make it through. I know people don’t want to read my negative thoughts, but I haven’t got anything positive to write. I sit here with tears running down my face. I can’t eat properly, I can’t sleep properly. I’ve lost 2 and half stone in 6 weeks. To be honest I just don’t want to be here without my Mandy.
Hi @swojto,
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your partner and fiancé so recently. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are having some difficult thoughts. Many people find it difficult to eat or sleep normally when they’re grieving so you’re certainly not alone in that, but it is important to look after yourself as best you can. You might find this article useful: https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/taking-care-of-yourself/
It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:
https://griefguide.sueryder.org/support/suicide
There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
- If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
- Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline .
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
You deserve care and support so please, @swojto, get in touch with one of these services.
Take care,
Eleanor
I know it’s desperate but hang on in there
It really is early days and what your feeling is the grief talking.
We have been where you are, it is so incredibly painful and I wished to die as the pain was unbearable. It does ease but you just have to walk through it. I’m sorry that nothing will help right now but it does improve.
We are here for all your thoughts because believe me I’ve had them & I’m sure many have. Life doesn’t seem worth it without them, be gentle with yourself you’re doing the best you can
Hi, I’m still really struggling. I just can’t make out why the time goes so slowly. I think hours have passed and it’s 20 minutes. I’m sure I’m not going to make it through this pain. It will be 6 weeks this Tuesday and it’s just getting worse. It’s just an endless nightmare. Night time brings demons. Daytimes bring tears. Why would anybody want to live this way. I try to kid myself I will live for both of us, but the truth is I miss seeing, talking, and showing her my love. I just want it to end.