I lost my husband in November…I miss him every day …I cry my self to sleep every night…I have 2 daughter that has been brilliant but I feel so alone…some days I do.nt see anyone …
5 Likes
I lost my hubby in August and I to cry all the time I’m so alone . We didn’t ask for this new life and I hate it ,it’s so hard . Keep posting on this forum we are all here to listen and try to help x
2 Likes
Hello 424,
I am so sorry your lost your husband. This is all so hard, isn’t it? I have been a widow (awful word) for nearly a month. Everything is raw and new. I just keep telling him that I love him - out loud - in our empty house. I am not moving to the past tense - for I will always love him. Hold tight, 424, try and get out and make connections with people. I am trying to do this and it is helping - a coffee with a friend, a walk in the park, trying it all. I am - and hope to build a new life beyond this, in time.
2 Likes
I send my heartfelt sympathies to you. Am going through this myself. It will be six weeks on Sunday since my husband passed away at home, due to leukaemia. I am missing him so much and I often talk to him and sometimes ask out loud: ‘Where are You?’. I know he is ok wherever he is and believe he is watching over me, our adult son and baby grandson, but I feel so lost without him. I looked after him night and day since last April - he had a couple of months of respite before he began to become more unwell. For 18 months we have been to hell and back and he suffered so much as the illness progressed. For his sake we have to be glad he is done with that struggle - he said often in the weeks leading up to his passing that he couldn’t go on like this. Bless his heart, he would still give a ready smile, I think to reassure us. We talked at times about ‘the end game’ and he said if there was any way he could get a message to us he would and both my son and I have have dreamt of him - my son in particular suddenly remembered a dream a few days ago. He said: 'I dreamt Dad rang me and he said Everything is fine, I’m ok. It was Dad’s voice exactly - my son was getting a bit choked up as he was telling me. It has got harder as the weeks have gone on. Before there was so much to do admin wise and arrange the funeral - although my husband had mostly organised that to lessen the worry for me. But things are not so busy now and I am much more tearful. Every weekend I relive that last weekend, frequently clockwatching recalling the times when I had to ring the District nurses every four hours for meds until the syringe driver was put on by the out of hours Dr. And then I have to remind myself that it all happened exactly how my husband wished - he was at home, no outside carers as we managed, he and I without extra help and he always said, once he couldn’t get out of bed he didn’t want to hang about. I have to be thankful for that - he became poorly at 3am on the Saturday morning and passed away on the Sunday evening. It all feels so strange. It does help to talk to him and most nights I write a page or a paragraph in a diary telling him about my day yet prefacing it ‘as you probably know’ …I must try to focus on the happier times and his sense of humour as he used to get tearful if I did. It is still early days and I can’t believe he is not physically here, that all this has happened - feels unreal like being in some kind of film script in some way - it is all very strange but it helps me to know he is just a thought away and I shall continue to talk to him. (I have just finished reading The Afterlife Frequency by Mark Anthony and Proof of Heaven by Dr Eben Alexander which have also been a comfort). Wishing everyone strength, peace and healing going forward in our shared journey of loss.
2 Likes
Hi Hetty
My husband died in sept. He died at home. which is what he wanted. He had a long battle with cancer which he fought with such bravery and humour. He kept himself going to see our daughter get married after it being postponed 3 times because of covid and died 4 days later. We had the district nurses calling regularly and it’s so hard when everything just stops.
I’ve been trying to get out every day and trying to keep busy but with the weather being so bad this week I haven’t been far so finding it hard. My husband also left instructions for his funeral which made things easier for us. He thought of everything which I am so grateful to for. Missing him so much tonight xx
1 Like
Hi Barbara61. I do feel for you. I know it is so lonely. So lovely your husband was here for daughter’s wedding but tragic he passed so soon afterwards. My hubby had 10 extra months with us. Last April he was given weeks to live but incredibly bounced back and saw the birth of our first grandson in Sept. He didn’t think he would make it til Christmas but he did and saw in new year. Sadly, he passed on Jan 9th. Like your husband he was very brave coping with the chemo treatments, side effects and symptoms. I get very emotional thinking about it. Sometimes I feel numb and then tearful, sometimes a bit anxious too. Also, incredibly tired. I just miss him so much yet could not have wished his suffering to continue. It’s when it’s quiet it is hard to stop the thought loop going round and round. I haven’t been able to have a full blown cry just quietly tearful. Hugs to you.
1 Like
“Feeling numb tearful and anxious”
Yes me too. I have managed to cry properly a few times but like you also been quietly tearful.
I also get emotional when I think what he went through with his illness and how he coped.
We have to try and take comfort from the fact that they are at peace now and not having to go through any more pain and discomfort. Take care of yourself xx
Yes. I agree. It’s a relief for our dear husbands that the struggle is over. It will take time to come to terms with our grief and somehow, in some way move forward. You take care yourself too. Hugs xx
1 Like
Hello Hetty,
My dearest T died of blood cancer too, in his case, it was MDS. Diagnosed in June last year. Last year was horrendous, he was in hospital pretty much the whole time, from July through his transfer to a hospice, where he died. I speak to him too, like you, in the house, particularly at night. I am trying to follow in his footsteps, of courage, of grace under fire, of getting on with it. But it is hard. The good thing is, we have a community here of people who understand completely how this goes, and how we feel. I am very glad to have found this forum and the people here, who are so open and generous with their welcome and advice. Let’s keep going and keep each other going. Things will be ok. Just got to push through today, now.
1 Like
Hello Vancouver. Bless you both. I understand, blood cancer is brutal. My hubby was diagnosed in July 2020 with a sub type of AML called BPDCN (Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm) - a rare one with poor prognosis. We just couldn’t believe it as the same week he had all clear for his bladder cancer he was given this leukaemia diagnosis. Like you, I expect you could write a book. He was in hospital on and off and had 4 rounds of intensive chemo. The hours we spent in clinic from an average of 2 hrs to 7 and 8 hrs sometimes every week - one week we had to go 6 times over 8 days. There was a lot of pressure on him to go for a stem cell transplant but when we researched it and spoke to the transplant consultant in Bristol hubby and I both agreed it wasn’t something worth putting himself through. The blasts went into the CNS as predicted and they gave him intrathecal chemo. It got to the point where hubby refused any more treatment when the third dose into his spine made him go deaf overnight. One of the hardest things was not being able to talk to other people going through blood cancer. Everyone in clinic all masked up and distanced because of covid. I did find Maggie cancer centre in Cheltenham a big support. I’d ring them sometimes when things were bad and was able to sit in their garden room a couple of times with a cuppa even during lock down while hubby had his chemo. So as you say it helps to have a supportive community here to which I am deeply grateful. Its not only that we have lost a loved one but each of us has our own story leading up to that event and we have to take time to heal from that trauma. Love and blessings xx
2 Likes
Ahh - my dear Hetty - I am so sorry. You both went through so much, too - just reading it is hard, living must have been horrendous. T and I had a different type of horrendous - but gruelling and ghastly, just the same. He, too, lost his hearing almost entirely. Like your husband, he did not lose his courage or his mind - both of which would have been entirely understandable responses to the diagnosis, prognosis and treatment - with the clock running down on us the whole time and in plain sight. I am so glad to be with people who truly understand what happened. I am honoured to join this band of people who have seen the worst of times and the best in people - and who are trying their best to find a new life in the ruins of the old. It is hard. But we are all only a short message away. With loads of love to everyone who is grieving the loss of their partner xx
1 Like
I lost my darling husband to AML 9 weeks ago.
He went through the gruelling treatment and frequent blood transfusions for 2 and a half years, but seldom complained.
His last couple of weeks were awful, and he suffered so much.
He was offered a stem cell transplant at Kings, but the odds were not good so he decided not to go ahead with it.
Sending love to all who have lost someone
2 Likes
Dear Vancouver. Thank you for your support and sharing. Praying for continuing strength and courage. Xx
Sending heartfelt thoughts to you AnneC. I feel your pain. My P had a rare sub type of AML. A torturous journey our men bravely travelled. Keep talking to your husband. It helps me to talk aloud to my husband and I truly believe he can hear me and is watching over us. Our love keeps us connected. Hugs to you. Xx
1 Like
Hello Hetty and AnneC,
I definitely keep talking to my husband - mostly to tell him I miss him. Last night, I came back to our flat in London for the first time since he died. That was hard. Seeing things where he left them, all that time ago. I found a receipt from some shopping we had done at a nearby department store. The date just a month before everything went wrong. We had no idea what awaited us. But our love, too, keeps us connected. We go again today, everyone. xx
Bless you Vancouver. So hard for you. It is the little things, I find, that cause me distress. I say the, little things, but these precious things hold so much, represent the life we had. I understand totally. I bought my husband a seiko kinetic watch Dec 2020, I called it the gift of time, which we did get extra time. I keep it next to my bed and ei d it every morning and every evening. His dressing gown is still hanging on the back of the door. His clothes still in the wardrobe. (I’ve cheekily pinched his socks and wear them) . His glasses. His wallet still with money in it and his drivers licence. The gifts he had for Xmas. All left so if he stepped back here, all would be in place. Yes. It hurts. We all understand. Xx
It’s now 7 months since I lost my husband we were married for 56 years I talk to him all the time he loved robins and every time I go into the garden there is always a robin sitting thereI so I stand there having a one sided conversation with the robin I‘m sure the neighbours must think I’m mad but I find it comforting but then I go indoors & I’m all alone again The nights are so long I keep telling myself it will be better once the Spring comes but I don’t believe it in a few weeks time it would have been our 57 th Wedding Annuversary I’m dreading it without him
2 Likes
I be been out with my sister for coffee and cake and felt panic stricken all the time x
1 Like
Hello Sue
It is my husband’s birthday next week and our wedding anniversary 3 weeks after. I am dreading both. He loved robins too and we all wore robin memory pins at his funeral. Each season will bring different memories. He loved to see the tulips and daffodils appear, and we planted new ones last autumn which he will never see. Just makes me sad all the time.
You keep chatting to the robin in your garden - never mind what the neighbours think.
X
2 Likes
I’m dreading Monday it’s my husbands first birthday since he died. I don’t know how I will cope. It will be my last first before the anniversary of his death. I still find it difficult to believe he has gone. My heart is broken x
1 Like