6 weeks ago I lost the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. One minute we were laughing and joking together and the next minute he had a massive heart attack and died in my arms. My whole world changed in those few minutes. I don’t think I have accepted it yet and the worst being that although wr had known each other a while we had only just ‘found’ each other and had starting to plan a life together doing all the things he had never got to do because he had spent his whole life dedicated to building up his business. It was even worse because he had gone through two years of hell from an ex partner and was for the first time in a long time happy and looking forward to this wonderful life we had planned together and we never got to do one thing that we had planned. I can’t but help feel angry and cheated on his behalf as much as mine, where once I was looking forward to a future of happiness, fun and love all I can now see is emptiness and heartache. And because not many people knew we were a couple I don’t have any one I can to talk to about him and share anecdotes and memories of the man he was. I miss him so much it is a physical pain and I just feel so lost and directionless.
I am so sorry that you have lost your husband it is such a shock when they pass away so suddenly.
It is natural that you feel so angry and cheated. It is indeed a physical pain, please tell us about your husband, it is a good thing (I have found) to chat about them and it keeps their memory fresh. Not that we forget them, I am not suggesting that for one minute, our hearts are broken by their loss. My husband of 59 years died very suddenly last August, I found him dead on our bedroom floor, he hadn’t been well but I never expected him to die. It must have been awful your going through the two years of hell and in a way a waste of your time together.
Please share your memories with us, the members of a forum where we don’t want to be.
Hello Chocky, I haven’t posted in a while but I felt I needed to reply to you as your story resonates so much with mine. My fiancé passed away from a cardiac arrest in October. It was out of the blue and we had been together for 18 months both in our 40s and coming out of difficult relationships so it was like a second chance of happiness for us. He was going through a difficult divorce and was finally feeling happy and looking forward to a future together, we would have got married and got a place together given time. You do feel cheated to have both got this happiness and it has been snatched away from you before you had the chance to experience it. I don’t know how it would have turned out because I never got the chance to find out, happiness is what we expected because that’s all we knew. It’s a cruel turn of fate and so unfair. The first few weeks I was in shock and didn’t believe it, I didn’t want this new life I found myself in I wanted the old one back.
It’s now nearly 6 months on and I cant say it gets easier or better it just seems to get more manageable. I too cant talk to anyone about it as I’m now living with people that didn’t know him. But I’m having grievance counselling and I use those sessions to talk about him. As like Mary says post on here things you want to share just even the mention of my fiancé’s name can bring a smile to my face.
We will get through this but it doesn’t seem to be a quick fix. I still love him and feel I always will but I like to think he is proud of me for at least trying to carry on and get through it. At least at the end he knew happiness and he taught me that I am lovable. You were obviously your partners shining light and made him happy at a difficult time in his life. Be proud of this and that he had experienced that.
Hope to help
Thank you ladies for reaching out and I hope you understand when I say that it is such a relief to have someone who knows what it feels like to have very unwanted shared experience to talk about. i have very good friends and my oldest daughter who have been a great support but I feel like, as they have never been through something like this, they expect me to be ‘moving’ on by now. I like the thought Mary of being able to talk about Harry as it makes me feel I am bringing him back to life again. So if you ladies don’t mind I’ll tell you our story. I had kinda known Harry for a quite a while but when he split up with his partner (in both business and life) he needed someone to work for him and I needed a job as I was splitting up from my husband at the time. We started off by just being two people helping each other through the bad times, but as we got to know each other we found we had a shared sense of humour and a love of life, friendship turned to attraction turned love so by the end of 2019 we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we even talked of marriage. Harry was a marmite person, you either loved him or hated him and he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind but it was never ill intended, he was just an honest person who wasn’t good at sugar coating it. When he loved you he would go to the moon and back for you and he was the most generous person you could meet. He spent his whole adullt life building up his business, working long days often 7 days a week but sacrficed so much for it, he never had a holiday in all that time something were going to put right. In fact, there was so much we were going to do and it is not just losing him but losing the potential future happiness that we knew we could have -it feels like someone showed me a bright and rosy future and then slammed the door in my face. We were each other’s shining light and he was my strength as he was one of the strongest people I had ever met but your right Rosie to have had been his ‘the one’ was something that does make me feel proud as he was a very unique and exceptional person who I had the pleasure of knowing for such a short time and will never, ever forget and although it was traumatic being there when he died I know he wasn’t on his own and he died in the arms of somone he loved and who loved him back. Sorry for blathering and thank you for listening Cxx
Hi Chocky, what a sad story for you to have found each other & for everything to have been snatched away in the cruellest way possible. I totally understand as I lost my Husband in November also to a sudden Heart attack. You feel your future has disappeared, all your plans & dreams have gone in an instant. It is very early days for you & I know when I was at the six week mark I was still on auto pilot and just wanted to be with Colin again, just existing not living. It has now been 5 months for me & although I have terribly dark days where I cry non stop & wonder what the point is I am still here & still getting on with it. I don’t think any of us will ever get over this terrible thing but we get through it the best we can. As Rosie said you made Harry happy and that is a wonderful memory to have. Talk about Harry on here we all listen to each other and we understand and can empathise with you. We always say we are now all part of a club we never wanted to join but we are all there for each other offering support.
I’d personally like to thank each n everyone of you on this site for all the beautiful kind encouraging words you have given me in my hours of need. 3 weeks today my world fell apart
Bless you Alex it’s isn’t it? Glad you find some comfort from the guys on here they have been my saviour many times xx
Mrs colt it really is a crock of but I don’t know where I’d be without all you lovely supportive guys. I’d love to hopefully meet somebody on here one day wish we were all sort of local n after this lockdown we could meet where I could say thank you and just meet really. Xxx
I know, be good if we could all meet up for coffee unfortunately I am in Scotland. I have made some smashing friends on here and we talk every day. My friends and family are amazing but don’t have a clue how I feel or what I am going through unlike you lovely lot x
Hi Rosie again thank you for posting yesterday and sorry for your loss toand at such a relatively young age, I really connected with your post as our experiences are so similar that I felt that we can empatise with one another as everything you said in your post i feel too. It isn’t ust losing the love of your life but the future that you had planned. I know that this might sound stupid but before the lockdown when I went places with friends to try and keep myself distracted it hurt more that I was never going to share that experience with Harry rather than having a painful memory. We only managed to have a few special times so I don’t have a wealth of happy memories at special places and apart from a couple of photo’s and text messages I don’t have anything else as keepsakes. I can’t look beyond a few days ahead as it hurts to much to think about an expanse of future that we are not going to share. I try like you to think about how proud he would have been that I am finding the strength to keep going but there are times when I could just curl up and stop going. Can I ask were there times that you just feel so angry at fate or even at your partner for abandoning you’ as I just can’t beleive we went through everything we did and be on the brink of having it all to have it all snatched away with no warning, I think i will never , ever make sense of that xx
Thank you again for your posts. I have never used an on line forum before as I probably never needed to, but it was reading other people’s experiences that prompted me to write, there have been times over the last few weeks I thought I was literally going mad, but I realised through this forum that it is a shared experience, one that non of us ever wanted but have had thrust on us. Until this happened I never truly understood grief and how it can devastate you. You might laugh but I genuinely believed that I should be starting to get over it a bit by now and couldn’t understand why I was just feeling worse but through this forum I realised that grief never leaves you just becomes part of you. My heart goes out to every single person who has lost a loved one it is a truly terrible and life changing time but I want to say those that responded thank you again it hasn’t lesened the grief but has given me solace that i am not alone and i now have new friends to talk to when it all gets to much. Love to you all xx
Good morning chocky grief is such a horrible thing isn’t no pain like it the emotions you go through its like why are we being hurt like this the pain is killing me so much. Like you I met my fiance after I’d come out of a horrible relationship pushed him to the max to see how genuine he was as I really fell for him n wasn’t prepared to put myself in a position where I’d get hurt again. He was genuine he was the best thing that ever happened to me he showed me how to love again n what love was nnits been taken away feel cheated angry n everything xxx
Hello chocky, sorry for my delay in posting a reply, in answer to your question, I do feel angry to a degree but more so disappointed. How can I be shown so much happiness and then have it taken away, it seems cruel. I made him so happy and devoted so much time to him and now he’s gone. He wouldn’t want to have left this life as we were just getting somewhere. I too get people saying stop looking in the past and move on but I know I’m not ready to and that’s fine, we can’t be rushed to feel what other people want us to, in our own time. One day at a time is all we can do and there is nothing wrong with that. He taught me so much and that will always be with me and I will honour him by learning from that. I too don’t have many photos as my phone was stolen as he was in hospital but the ones I have we are smiling and happy and I can look at them and smile now rather than feel pain.
I know nothing people can say can make it ‘better’ but we must carry on or else who will remember them as we do. We were lucky in a way that we had that precious time with them, I just wish it could have been more. He captioned one of the photos, “that’s my girl” so when I’m feeling low but still get on with things I like to think that’s what he would be saying to me now. Harry from your story sounds a great guy and very determined, from your posts you sounds determined too, so I have no doubt we will get through this, just got to keep going.
I am in the same position, I met someone who became a real soulmate and although neither of us intended anything other than walking the dog, feelings developed. Because he had had a very bad experience with a previous partner he was reluctant to commit until the end of the summer. He died suddenly just before Christmas and I was not even there. I know exactly how you feel as I do not have anyone to talk about him with as we had not told our families. That to me is the hardest part . The Sue Ryder counsellor helped me a lot and I am in a better place than before, but I will always feel cheated that we did not have any length of time together. I do hope you find a way forward. it is so hard when you do not have years of memories together. Keep safe.