Losing a partner

Coping with bereavement
#1

Hello

My dear husband passed away in January 2019 and I am so glad I have found this place of comfort where I can find people who have so many of the feelings I have felt. I cannot fault the support of friends but they understand that they cannot relate to the loss of a partner.

I miss him so much… the person I could talk to about everything however small and insignificant. The person who would be there to give me a hug. The person to plan things with. He was a family man and I am fortunate to have 2 supportive children and 2 young grandchildren all of whom he loved so much.

I was so upset when I found I had nothing to remember his voice by until recently I came across some videos with Derek in them and I just cried with relief. It had been bothering me for so long that in spite of being married for over 35 years I panicked that I couldn’t remember his voice.

I still am having difficulties coming to terms with how on 30 September 2018 we spent a lovely day on the Thames on the Waverley steamboat and then 3 months later he was gone. I spend time thinking I wish I had done this or that but know deep down that I did my best. Like many, with hindsight and the knowledge I have now after looking after my husband I would have approached things differently. It is that realisation of not getting a second chance to use that knowledge with him that upsets me.

Derek and I took every opportunity to enjoy life and those memories keep me going. He was quite a bit older than me and I am still working (with a supportive company) which helps. I tell my friends with partners to make the most of the time they have with them.

Thank you for reading this and for finding others who I can relate to.

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#2

Dear Sarah

Thank you for sharing. You are a bit further along this road than myself.

I lost my husband in a road traffic accident in September. Things are still raw and emotions all over the place. Fortunately like yourself I have two children and one grandchild - this is what keeps me going. Our little grandson was in hospital for the first three months of his life and his parents kept a video record of his journey so I have a good source of clips to see and hear Ian who was a devoted granda - I often play these in my darkest moments.

In March we would have been married 39 years. The plan was for me to retire so that we could start a new chapter. I handed in my notice to work last week - this is the only part of our plan I can now fulfil.

Take care.

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#3

Every post resonates
I lost my husband to covid 9 days ago. I feel heartbroken and lost. He was only 53. People say they understand but for the majority, they simply can’t
They tell me I’m strong, I’m not
They tell me one day at a time. Why. What’s different tomorrow

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#4

Hi.
Misty1972
I am so sorry you have lost your husband . Unfortunately there is nothing that takes the pain away and take out of this journey. It is so raw and i think people tell you “you are strong” what they see is the result of the shock and numbness. Really sorry that you have to pass through more painfull moments to come.
People who is further in this journey say to " hold there" i am following the advise. Please just hold there day by day and try to eat. I send you hugs xx

#5

Hello Sarah
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your husband
I felt I had to reply to your post as everything you say is how I feel aswell
I lost my husband April last year I live alone am retired and my son and grandson live a distance away so I don’t see them very often. My husband died during the first lockdown and it’s been very hard living through this on my own Like yourself I was afraid I’d forget my husbands voice so my son sent me three voicemails he had from his dad on his phone to mine and Im so thankful I have them now to listen to The months have passed over in a blur so quickly yet looking back it all seems to have happened a long time ago
I miss my husband so much too We were married for 43 years I first met him when I was 17 then we met up again just before I was 19 and we married 2 years later
Like yourself I miss everything about sharing my life with him He was so cheerful and optimistic and never complained I miss having this in my life now when it’s all so bleak and negative I miss his companionship being able to make plans for the future and just to be able to talk to him about nothing much in particular I miss his kindness and support and especially above all else I miss his love The love from a husband is not the same as love from your family just to be able to talk to him again as I’ve so much I want to say to him to hold his hand and to give him a hug I yearn to do all this and as you said to be able to turn the clock back and to relive our life together I’ve also thought of things I would have done differently if I had the chance again I’m trying to put them to one side though it’s hard to do as I’ve realised no one is perfect and life isn’t perfect either I suppose at the time we just do what we think is best
Seeing other couples makes me want to tell them to make the most of being together as life is unpredictable and doesn’t always turn out how you plan Although I have as you have many happy memories they don’t take away the day to day loneliness which is overwhelming I hope when these restrictions ease and we can meet up with others the loneliness may ease somewhat
Thinking of you. Take care
Christine x

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#6

Hello Misty, I’m sorry to hear of your loss. 53 is so young and we will never know why.

Your post is so true, unfortunately our nation seems to be like a load of sheep. A cliché or phrase is said by somebody and then all you ever hear is that phrase or that cliché, it’s full of nothing, meaningless.

No they don’t understand they ONLY have an idea. Everybody’s grief is personal, not a soul knows what I do or how I’m dealing with it.

People seem to think that everybody’s grief is the same. I’m over three year’s now and every bit as bad as that fateful night, NOTHING has changed whatsoever my thoughts are exactly the same as that night when I lost my dearest wife. My thoughts are with you,
B x

#7

Hello bristles
I’m very sorry about your sad loss
I agree with what you say that only we ourselves can know how we feel I can relate to and share the feelings of others on this site but only I know the depth of those feelings that I am experiencing Grief is so personal and having to live without the one we love something that others who haven’t experienced can’t really understand I think most people tend to assume that as time goes on we are ok and that we’ve moved on or got over it whatever that means How can you get over loving someone and where is this place you come to where it’s all better? How can it be better as we can’t turn back the clock and bring our loved ones back ? And do we want to move on and forget them ?of course not Thinking of you
Take care
Christine

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#8

Dear Christine

Your words mirror how I feel. Only two days ago someone asked me if I was now starting to feel better as if I was recovering from a cold. My greatest fear is that others will forget my husband. He was such a lovely man and everyday the pain remains the same. I will never get over his loss.

My son is currently self-isolating so I have not been able to go round and see him or our grandson. Spent most days in bed. Our son is the same age I was when he was born. I cannot be a burden round his neck and he cannot be responsible for me. When we have more freedoms it is only right that he and his partner enjoy their family life without having to take me into account. Our daughter lives down south. Me and Ian had a wonderful life together and I do not want anything further to impact on them especially having to feel as if they have to look after me.

Take care
Sheila

#9

Hello Christine,

Thany you for your very kind words. I’m sorry to hear of your loss as well and of course everybody else’s.

Your words are so true and I often hear people passing comments without thinking about what they are saying which is usually a load of tripe and I treat it with the contempt it deserves.

On a lighter note, Cramlington, lovely memories in the late '60’s before Milligan and Nesbit made it on opportunity knocks.

#10

Dear Sheila
I’m also afraid my husband will be forgotten by others
The loss of your husband isn’t something you get over like an illness and then say right that’s it I’m over it I’m better now
It doesn’t work like that but I suppose if I hadn’t experienced it for myself then I probably would have thought it did You have to go through it yourself to truly know how it really is
My family tend not to mention him now Perhaps they don’t know what to say My sonnever talks about his dad I think it’s his way of dealing with it
I’ve asked him if he misses him He says of course he does and that I need to try to be happy because that’s what he would want Easier said than done
Like yourself my son has his own life his wife and son and work etc and I don’t want to be a burden on them aswell so I can understand what you mean
It’s the day to day loneliness which is so hard to bear made all the worse by the lockdown
I see you live in Tyne and Wear I lived in wallsend until I married and moved to Cramlington I have family still living there My husband lived in walkerville and went to school in walkergate We both worked in Newcastle Small world
Take care
Christine x

#11

Forgot to mention one of my in-laws came from Blyth and had family all around in Morpeth, Ashington and Cramlington.

Take care

B x

#12

Hello bristles
Thanks for your reply
I’ve been told I need to move on which I’ve just ignored because the person who said it obviously had no idea about what I was feeling And someone else said they were sorry if mentioning my husband brought it all back to me They obviously thought I’d managed to forget all about it

And about Cramlington we moved here 1977 it was quite rural then only a few shops and lots of green fields Over the years like other places more housing estates have sprung up and still springing up Have had 3 houses here I’m settled here now there’s worse places to live!
Take care
Christine x

#13

Dear Christine
I live in Gateshead but worked in Newcastle - Forest Hall - until recently. Ian and I have lived on the same estate since we married.

My son has had counselling and that has helped him talk about his dad and start to look at photos, which I do regularly. Our daughter is really struggling, cannot look at photos etc Because of lockdown and her living in the South she had not seen her dad since June. It breaks my heart when I hear her voice as I can hear her pain and there is nothing I can do.

Our little grandson takes on the appearance of his granda everyday. My son looks like his dad and grandson has many of his features, but mainly his hair. Ian had not gone to the barbers due to covid so it had got long and curly, just like when we first met. The grandsons hair is identical to Ian’s in colour and style. We refer to him as our ‘little man’ which was a term of endearment me and Ian always used. I just wish Ian was here to see him.

Take care
Sheila

#14

Dear Sheila
I’m sorry to hear about the struggles your son and daughter are having
It’s really lovely that your little grandson looks just like his granda You must be so proud of him
I want to say I hope things get easier for you but I don’t know how this will be We just have to go on the best we can day to day
Thanks for your replies
Take care
Christine x

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#15

Hi, I’ts almost 10 weeks for me now and it’s been the toughest, painfullest 10 weeks imaginable.
I agree that you don’t understand until it happens to you, I said the same to my mum, when my dad died the loss was awful but I really didn’t get how bad it was for my mum. I DO NOW!
Occasional good days (only in the fact that I can actually complete some menial task without falling apart.)
Mornings I’m finding are worst for me. The horrible sinking feeling that its another day without him. Sometimes think I may as well just stay in bed.
The hollow, painful feeling in my stomach is there all the time and the loneliness is impossible to describe.
Its just the normal everyday things I miss most, hearing him say my name, deciding what we want for tea or what to watch on TV. Chatting about everything and anything. His favourite program is back on TV (Winterwatch) I’ve managed to watch it but only through my tears. Love to everyone. X

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#16

Dear Jacko

I share the same feelings. I lost my husband in September.

Received a call from the police today to give me an update regarding the inquest and collision report. Could not get out of bed after that. I have been in dressing gown all day. Had to Facetime my son in order to see grandson this afternoon and to reassure my son that I was ok.

I recorded Autumnwatch because could not bear to watch it without Ian. And had to do the same with Winterwatch. I just long to hear my husband ask me to make him a cup of tea and it breaks my heart realising that those times are now gone.

Thinking of you.
Sheila

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#17

Hello Jackie
I’m so sorry you’re in this awful situation too
Like yourself when my dad died many years ago I didnt realise fully how it would have affected my mam but I do now She must have been so lonely much more than I ever thought at the time
It’s nine months for me now since I lost my husband Some days are not so bad others are terrible Mornings are worse for me too lying in bed thinking I’ve got to get up and have another lonely day I feel no one would care if I stayed in bed all day but I get up as I know my husband would want me to Like yourself I miss my husband so much and it is all the ordinary everyday things I miss and the talking about everyday things all those things you mention Life isn’t the same without his love but I’ll carry on because he never gave up on life and would want me to be happy Easier said than done
Thinking of you. Take care
Christine x

#18

Hi Sheila, yes it is the little things I miss most.
The annoying thing too! The way he always tried to tell me something when I was watching one of my programs and I would have to keep pausing it!!! How I would love him to do that now.
It actually helped me to watch Winterwatch even though I cried. It helped me to feel closer to him and I could imagine our little chats about some of the things. Actually smiled a little through my tears.
Whatever helps is the best way for us all I think
Love and hugs Jacky

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#19

Hi Christine, it is very lonely and like you I keep trying to make the effort. I can hear him moaning at me (Are you getting dressed today? Isn’t it about time we had tea? etc etc.)
Thats my motivation at the moment!
Geoff was such a positive person and he too would want me to be happy, that’s all he ever wanted, always putting others first.
I talk to him and say, Not crying today Geoff, not because I don’t care, I’ve just got stuff to do and if I start crying they won’t get done.
We all have to deal with this the best we can, but like you say, easier said than done!
Love and hugs Jacky

#20

Hi Jackie
Thanks for your kind reply
You sound a strong positive person
My husband was the positive one and I miss his cheerfulness during these bleak days
I’ll keep going like yourself. Thanks for your support
Best wishes
Christine x

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