Losing a partner

Sometimes you just have to sit and let the feelings of loss and grief and sadness and the ache in your heart that follows flow over and thru you, you cannot stop this physical and mental torture, just sit and let it happen and cry if that’s what happens or give into the emotion and how you feel at the time. Don’t stop it or channel it just let it do what it wants , I do this and then I carry on getting thru, I do feel a bit lighter but not back to me yet but it does help a bit :heart: love to all those struggling with their loss :heart:

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Thank you for this advice. I have the habit of repressing my feelings, something inside me stops me from acknowledging my grief, as if I do I refuse to accept it, too painful to manage, I end up trying to do something to occupy my mind and simply “switch off” for example by digging up weeds in the garden, any sort of strenuous work I can find around to do. I know this isn’t helping me at all, I haven’t given myself “time” to grieve because I’m still living in disbelief and shock. Like you say, this is a mental torture, a tormented existence that seems here to stay. All the best to you and to everyone here.

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I also struggle to face my grief. Memories of my husband’s sudden death come into my mind and I push them away and try to occupy myself so that I don’t have to deal with them.
It’s nearly 5 months now and I’m not sure if this is healthy or not. I do get upset but this is usually sorrow for myself and more about how lonely I feel and for the life I’ve lost. I’m not sure if I’m coping.
I also feel pressure to be back to normal now and am beginning to wonder if people are getting bored of me not being ok.

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Dear Anne, Solost and Flossie,

I’m part of the volunteer team at Sue Ryder and reading your posts I felt I should acknowledge your messages to each other which shows that despite our pain, or perhaps because of it, we recognise it in others and can reach out.

This support of others is vital to each of us. I’m so sorry you are all struggling. We do have other services here which might be of help, but talking to each other is priceless.

Hugs,

Miche24

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Thank you for your kind words and thank you for this site. This is the only place I feel comfortable talking about my grief, where I know we all understand each other.

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Hi,

I too suppressed my grief just so I could get by to organise my partners affairs and the funeral. It felt like I was doing it for someone else as I have organised events like this in the past.

It wasn’t until afterwards that all those emotions had nowhere to go so they had to come out and as my dear friend kept telling me over copious amounts of tea that’s normal and that’s ok.

We all deal with things differently and at different times we can’t add any more to the pile of emotions we are already trying to cope with. We have to take everything at our own pace in our own way.

I would say I have taken 10 paces back a bit like snakes and ladders. I missed out some parts of griefs journey which I need to visit to help me on my way.

Be kind to yourselves and use those around you that are those true friends you know won’t judge you just love you until you are ready.

Best wishes
Paula

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@Solost, I can so relate to those feelings you express - the need to do some strenuous physical work to divert your own attention from your grief. It’s a tactic I use as well.

The disbelief and shock is also very familiar.

I did wonder if there wasn’t some sort of inbuilt emotional protection and survival instinct in those feelings - an element of “if I don’t believe it, I won’t have to feel it” sort of logic?

Your phrase “tormented existence” sums it up perfectly for me.

Thank you.

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Hello winingit , the answer to your question is probably “yes”, it is some sort of protection, avoiding a confrontation with this beast we call ‘grief’. I walk past his photos at home and I stop and ash him: “Where are you? One minute you were here, the next you weren’t!” I think until we are personally affected by such a huge loss we don’t seem to believe it can happen to us, of course we know we can’t live eternally, but I just can’t come to terms with the fact that it was so sudden and untimely, although I understand nobody is prepared for this pain even when you know it’s going to happen soon, it’s equally devastating. I look at life in a different way now than before,thinking that we mustn’t take anything for granted and that fate or whatever it is out there, is looking down on us deciding what to do with us regardless of our own personal wishes.
I don’t want to sound too bitter but it’s just the way I feel now.
Thanks for listening.

Hi Anne
I am in my third year now and can confirm that your sound advice has also worked for me. My release has been to go for long walks with my dogs. Work hard on my vegetable plots. Cry, scream and sometimes throw a tantrum and keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and my pain will pass for a while and the grief monster will not get control of me. Will we ever return to being ourselves again???. I doubt it. But we do find a way through it but they will never be forgotten, of that I am certain.

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Hi All,

I feel grief is like a permanent shadow - at times right in the foreground and then more hovering around. I feel it is ok to enjoy things despite grieving or to desbelief or just feel sad. It is our mid´s way of coping with things.
I think it is necessary to give ourselves a break at times and if that means letting control go and just cry or do fierce weeding in the garden … there are no rules.
I try to think of all the love we have been able to share, a lot more than lots of people have had in their lives but that is what makes it so hard to cope now.
I think grief has changed me and I hope it has made me more sensitive to other people`s
struggles.
Take care, you are not alone xx

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I can relate to holding back grief i tell everyone im ok but the other day i just sat and cried i was feeling stressed but after the crying i felt so much better now im not going to hold it in if i want to cry im going too its been nearly 5 months since my husband of 39 years passed after a very quick illness with cancer

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I am exactly the same I tell people that I am okay just to let them know that I am trying to get over this absolutely terrible experience. I’m exactly the same I cry when people ask me about my loss, I don’t have any problems with them seeing me at that point. I’m just glad that me and my partner had such a good life together. The other day I was not totally with what was going on and I put that down to my own personal situation being in my control, but there is no formula to cope with grievance you have to be in control of your own life. People who have not experienced what you go through just say what they like because they don’t know what it is like. My deepest regards to you. Eddie.

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We want to be ok but underneath we are struggling with the loss of our closest person who meant the world to us. It isn’t an easy road to be on, we ache and cry and feel so alone and no matter how much we try to fill our time with different activities, people ,the void is still there. I suppose time is the healer, very best wishes to you and the comfort is you are not alone , we are all trying our best xx

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As I travel on this rocky road of loss I am beginning to think we are very much creatures of habit and the loss of our lovedone has put a spanner in the works . I am still following the daily routine that me and him did but because he’s not here anymore the heartache begins , I haven’t a new routine for myself and actually don’t know what that could be, it is only 6 months since he passed and I know its early days but the comfort in staying in the old routine far surpasses beginning something new and different.

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I lost my partner in December and I have not been right since. I received all the sympathy from friends and neighbours but it you are left with the problems of grieving again.i try to get occupied for as long in the day as possible. I have just joined our local bowling club, I enjoy meeting and talking to people who are doing exactly the as myself trying to keep occupied. But when you are alone it all comes back ,then it is just back to the normal thinking and remembering the one you loved.
But I will say is don’t give up. It’s for your loved one.
Stay safe regards Eddie.

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I lost my partner in December also, and I have just joined the local bowling club, how’s that for a coincidence .I agree with you about the rest of the time your back to square one. I think about my partner all the time and I also talk to her quite a lot, which I find very helpful. It is only a one way conversation but it seems to help me.
Stay safe and take care of yourself. Eddie

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I have just finished my last bereavement councillor phone appointment. I have to say that it certainly seems to have helped me. I appreciate what they have to be prepared for anything as there is no formula for the grieving process it’s just that you as an individual have to find your own route through the minefield of emotions and sadness and memories. I hope that anyone who feels the need for a course of counselling. Just pick up the phone and call cruse bereavement support. Stay safe and regards Eddie

Hi Eddie,

I hope the counselling supports you on this difficult and emotional journey. I had to call Cruse help line on Saturday as I am waiting for my sessions to start. The lady was so lovely and I cried for a whole hour and a half. How she ever understood a word I was saying was a talent in its own right.

This is only the second time I have cried properly since my partner passed away in March it made me realise I need to accept my grief and slowly work my way through it and not expect to “get better” this isn’t an illness it is process, a journey so to speak when some days are better than others and some are just so awful you have to plough through the treacle to get through them.

Today was a better day for me I accepted I am not ready to go back to work and that’s ok. I went out for a walk on the beach, our favourite place to be, and went back to the restaurant over looking the sea where we had Andy’s wake. It is such a beautiful spot I can’t stop going there as it has so many happy memories for us as a family and for myself and Andy as a couple.

Look after yourself and take each day and emotion as it comes. Each one will be as different as the next but each one will bring you something you just have to look for it sometimes

Take care
Paula
XxX

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I really appreciate that you have taken the time to acknowledge the total non understanding of the process of grieving over loved one’s. It is only you that can understand what is going on in your life as the grieving process is a very personal experience and you are the only person who can negotiate the whole process. As I have said before to many people it’s you who is in control of the outcome. As no two people or cases are the same. I hope that this gives you some comfort in your grieving process. Regards Eddie 5902

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I have to admit that the counselling helped me immensely, just to talk to a total stranger who has probably been through the same ordeal as us. She was prepared to listen to me talk about all that was troubling me and listen to me cry. Because it is a total stranger who has no contact with you it doesn’t matter what you say, they just listen and offer their own opinion, whether you take it on board it’s up to you. My one was very compassionate, and gave me some solid advice. As you know it’s only you that can negotiate a path through the grieving process .as there is no formula or rule book to follow. I think that I am slowly beginning to get through the process. Just by not letting sadness take control. And stay positive for yourself and your family. Good contact with your family and friends is also very important. So make sure that you do. I joined the local bowling club and I have met quite a few people with the same situation as me, so you are not alone. Deepest regards Eddie.

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