Hi, I’m Laura!
I found this site and I have been looking for ways to help manage my grief a bit more, as I’m very good at just putting it to the back of my mind. So, I thought, why not just write a post and see how I feel afterwards
So, I’m 26 and I have very sadly lost both of my parents. Firstly, my dad lost his battle with cancer when he was 45, and I was 5 (2005). He had Glioblastoma and it was extremely aggressive and took his life in the matter of 5 weeks. This obviously left my mother as a single mum, and I honestly could not have wished for a better mum. She was the nonjudgmental consistent that everyone needed in their life, not just me. She helped glue our family together and anyone who met her felt the love she radiated. Her name is Jeanette. I love her so so much.
Secondly I lost my mother only a few years ago in 2022 to a really difficult time with again cancer. It was an extremely rare form of skin cancer which caused a growth on the left side of the bridge of her nose, next to her eye socket. It eventually was the size of a grapefruit. She got her first prognosis back in 2019, and no one could grapple the idea that it’s happening again. It just didn’t make sense! It all just felt so unfair in all honesty… But at this point the hospital wasn’t really taking a huge amount of action. There was upwards of 6 months between phone call and appointments, and who knows if that 6 months would’ve made the difference.
Then things started to get moving. I am struggling to remember the details of what happened over the coming months as I think I have blocked a lot of it out, but I believe she had her surgery to remove the mass in her forehead around 2020/2021. They had to remove a portion of her skull so the recovery was slow but she was being such a champion about it. She was determined not to let her diagnosis get the better of her and she eventually got a clear diagnosis. We felt blessed! She had overcome it! This is what we wanted! But then, a couple months later I could tell she wasn’t healing properly. She got a sore on the corner of her eye and my gut just knew something wasn’t right.
For context, I had started university back in 2019, so at the beginning of this journey. So, in September 2021 I was going back to university (location- Gloucester). I knew in January of 2022 she had an appointment for a checkup. So January finally came and my mum called my brother and I on a joint call (brother 27, London). It was back…. And this time, there was nothing they could do about it. The pain I felt after that call was like nothing I have ever felt. It’s cliche, but my whole world genuinely collapsed around me. What do you mean shes not getting better!!! It doesn’t make sense! Still now, 3 years on, the pain I felt is still so palpable. But, during this phone call she never told us how long she truly had left.
University then became a complete second thought and the next few months just blurred into a haze of crying and confusion. Until I eventually decided to pause on uni and I went home to care for my mother.
I don’t particularly want to go into the whole caring for her part as just typing out the initial part has made me pretty tired. But it was a humbling and honourable experience and I am glad that I was able to be there for her in that way. The way she kept fighting was incredible… she had so much strength and made her mission to keep moving. It turns out she had 5 months to live, but she managed to push for 13 months, just after her 62nd birthday. She was in our home, which she bought with her husband, and then raised her children, and was her happy place. It was at 3:30 am on the 7th of March 2022.
As I am sure many know on this platform, but over the next months and years, my life and mind ripped apart and I completely lost all sense of safety, structure or belief. It was terrifying to think I had to now face my life on my own, without my beautiful mother and my strong father.
The one thing that kept me going was the knowing that there genuinely is always a silver lining. Things always get better. You get stronger, wiser and learn things about yourself which you can then share with the people you love and care about.
I started this post because I wanted to talk about the fact I struggle with facing the emotions and dealing with the grief and guilt around the loss of my parents, especially my mother. But, this has really helped. It is nice to know that there are people that truly understand and can relate with the darkness of grief, but also the light of transformation.