Last January I lost my Dad to Covid. He had to drive himself to hospital and never came out. I was allowed to go and say goodbye to him and had 10 minutes with him and had to leave him to die on his own. I just had to wait for a phone call. I had a 7 month daughter at the time.
I was close to my dad but not as close as I was to my mum. My mum was my world. I spoke to her every day. She absolutely adored my daughter and my daughter absolutely adore her - she was her favourite person in the world. She would do anything to help us. In January of this year she was fast tracked for cancer investigations. She had been to the doctors since October of the previous year but they kept telling her it was diverticulitis but didn’t carry out any screening . In March, she was given the diagnosis of a stage 4 female cancer but they were unsure of whether it was cervical or ovarian.
Over the next few weeks I watch her deteriorate quickly. We had plans to make memories but she was just too ill. She died on my birthday in April. She was in pain on the day and I had to keep phoning people to try and get her the medicine that she needed. I was quite traumatised by her death as it felt like she was in pain and I could t help her.
At first, it didn’t hit me. There was so much to deal with and I was feeling guilty that I wasn’t grieving. I grieved straight away with my dad but not my mum. It finally hit me in August after moving in to her home in July. I’m currently in such a bad way. I miss her so much that it is a physical pain and I just want to feel better. My daughter who is now 2 and a half is wanting to phone her and gets cross when we can’t. She can’t understand the concept of death. She tells me that she misses nanny. I feel so alone. Everyone was there when we were planning the funeral and I didn’t need the support and now I need the support everyone seems to be gone. I don’t know how to articulate how much I am struggling.
To top everything off my aunt, my mum’s sister, died in October and we had her funeral today. It has brought to the surface all of the traumas around mums death.