Losing dad

I lost my 93 year old dad 9 weeks ago & although we had been losing him slowly due to dementia I’m still struggling with the fact he’s gone, I’ve shed a few tears but often fill up when he’s mentioned I’m afraid that once I start crying I might never stop. I think it might only hit me when we have his ashes interred in 2 weeks, at the funeral I was so focused on saying the eulogy I’d written & everyone said how brilliant I was, I couldn’t look at anyone directly as they were all in bits.
I’m still having feeling of guilt that he ended up in a care home, even though the hospital doctors made the decision after he’d had a fall.
I was quite upset the other day when someone said that ‘well you knew it was about to happen’ (which we did as he had started refusing food & drink, he’d made up his mind that he’d had enough) felt like she was telling me to pull myself together & it hurt.

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Sorry to hear about your dad @veronica. Please don’t feel guilty about him being in a care home, it wasn’t your decision and I’m sure the doctors had valid reasons. Dementia is so cruel and can make it hard to keep frail people safe wherever they are cared for. I’m coming to understand that guilt is so very common in grief, and I wonder if there can always be found something to make us beat ourselves up, simply because we could not keep our parents with us and make them well again. But your love and support for your dad throughout his long life will have been what mattered and nothing can change that or take that away from either of you. Also please don’t let anyone make you feel bad about crying, ever. If you need to cry it’s better to allow yourself to than hold it in.

What that person said to you was insensitive but maybe just clumsy because they felt awkward and were searching for something matter of fact to say. I don’t think any decent person would think you should pull yourself together so soon after your Dad had died, and I do also suspect that bereavement makes us super sensitive and critical of ourselves especially if we wish things could have been otherwise. So, in my own clumsy way, what I’m trying to say is please don’t take what other people say as something else to beat yourself up.

I make the above observations because I recognise them in myself in grief and self criticism over my mums death 2 years ago. It’s true we have to be kind to ourselves, and I’m not too sure how to do that, but know it makes sense.

Thinking of you. Take care and hope you may find comfort in your good memories of your dad. Nothing can take those away or change those times.

Hello, my dad passed away at the end of May this year. He had been unwell over the years, he had many things wrong with him but he was always a fighter and got through it. He was diagnosed with Dementia last year which was hard. I’m the middle of three siblings and lived with my dad all my life, caring for him in the end. I always said I would never put him in a home and that I would look after him until the end and I kept by word. He went very quick in the end. He was admitted to hospital on the Friday evening and passed away on the Sunday morning. All the family were there to say our goodbyes. It is like he waited for us to get there. I still live at home with my mum and look after her now. The pain I am feeling from the loss of my dad is nothing I have ever felt before. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I don’t think I will ever get over it. I want him back so much.

Hello SandraAnne, so sorry to hear of your loss, my dad passed away on 7June and it is still very raw for me too even though we lost mum 16 years ago I just can’t bear the thought that dad has gone too, It is so hard to think that I won’t see him again even though he had had dementia for 5 years & was slowly forgetting who everyone was.
Take comfort that you had given him the best of care & managed to look after him until just before he passed, must be so hard for you now if you are looking after mum & trying to keep things together. Thinking of you

Thank you Veronica. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know in time the hurt I am feeling will ease and I will try and remember the happy times I had with my dad. Take care.

Hi Veronica, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

Hi Veronica, I lost my dad back in April this year. He hadn’t been Ill for long. In fact he had been an extremely fit and healthy 83 year old. He was responding well to treatment for his prostate but after pushing for a scan it was discovered he had a secondary cancer. Given weeks to months to live he came home to us but sadly he was dead within days. Mom and I nursed him at home, it was hard and very distressing. It never hit me until after the funeral, so many things to do such as getting rid of the bed we had put up for him in the lounge, all the equipment we had in order to aid his recover but he never got to use. Mom went into a haze and I had to arrange the funeral, did the eulogy etc. the journey we undertook was harrowing and I cry every day still, I miss him terribly, I still can’t believe he’s gone. There’s so much I want to share with him but can’t. So the waves come and I ride them. Sometimes they’re small and rideable, sometimes they crash all over me. They’ll always come, maybe not so frequently later on but they’ll always be there, It hurts and I tell myself that the pain is because I loved. Life will always have death and we are all going through it in one way or another. We stand together in this horrible journey. Thoughts and love are with you and a big virtual hug, you’ll get through it. Your stronger than you think. He’s up there watching. X

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