I lost my beautiful Mama in May 2020, just over 5 weeks after having my first baby and her first grandchild.
My mum was diagnosed with a large tumour on her kidney on New Years Day 2020. It was totally unexpected for us all and we did struggle with the news. She had an operation to remove one of her kidneys and the operation was a success. She went through a tough recovery and we later found out that the cancer had spread to different parts of her body however the doctors were optimistic and we were going to get started on chemotherapy tablets.
The week before she was due to start the tablets my mum took a fall due to pain in her stomach. My dad called an ambulance and we were told numerous times that day to prepare for the worst as the stomach cancer (spread from the kidney) had ruptured.
She fought on for that day and night and even had a stent put in to help her however the next morning she was in pain again and passed away.
My dad was with her however I was unable to be. All I can see is her face in so much pain when I visited her in the hospital after she had fallen. It haunts me.
I take some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain and no longer worrying as every day she received a call with bad news. I go and talk to her by her grave most days and it helps but I miss her so much and it upsets me that she was never able to hold her new grandson. I am struggling with the general emotions of having a baby and the huge emotions that have come with losing my mum at 49.
I don’t feel like I am grieving in a sense because I still feel like I’m going to see her.