Losing Mum

I’m struggling to cope, I lost my Mum suddenly just over two weeks ago. We took her to hospital to get better and she never came out. She had been poorly for a while with lung fibrosis but had been doing ok on oxygen at home. That was until her meds were changed and they got the balance wrong. I am going over and over and over in my head why I didn’t question what she was given. I swear she’d be with us for longer if I had:( I didn’t even get to say goodbye which hurts so much. I don’t know how to exist in a world she does not, I miss her beyond words, I’ve never known pain like this. We had plans all summer with her including taking her home to Ireland for a holiday and now we are planning her service this Friday. I spent so much time with her/caring for her over the last 3 years I now feel like I have no purpose. I just feel lost… I appreciate any advice/comments. Xx

Hi Wendy. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think that losing your mum is the worst thing in the world. I lost my mum in March and, like you, I keep going over and over it trying to work out whether, if I’d done things differently, she’d still be here now. But, believe me, there is no point. It just hurts so much to do it and our mum’s would not want us to suffer that pain.
From what you’ve said you were clearly devoted to your mum and she would have known that. I think that recriminations are just part of the grieving process.
Like you I cry so much and wonder how I will exist in a world that she’s not part of but I know that we have to go on. I guess, at least, we still have our wonderful memories and thoughts that we have been so lucky to have had them in our lives.
Just know that you are not alone.
Gill X

Hi Gill, thank you so much for your reply. I’m so very sorry for your loss for your Mum too. You are absolutely right when you say there’s nothing worse in the world than losing your Mum. It is horrendous. I am barely functioning and the only time I don’t feel the pain is when I’m sleeping… then within a couple of seconds of waking up I remember and it’s back:( Even things like going to places we frequently visited are difficult, I’ve been walking around shops sobbing like a small child a few times. Not the best look I’m sure…
I’m struggling to accept her loss because of the speed it happened at, she had been told the prognosis wasn’t good after the mismanagement of her meds and us getting her into hospital but she decided not to tell me to try not to worry me. How I wish she had, there were so many things I wanted to say to her but will never be able to now. She was thinking positive and so were we, losing her just wasn’t an option, I’m pretty sure she wasn’t expecting it to happen that way either.
I like you have so many years of wonderful memories but they are all too painful to think of at the moment and I just end up in tears. People keep telling me the pain I’m feeling is testament to how close we were and how special and loving our bond and relationship was, it doesn’t really help though:( I just find myself feeling jealous of my friends who still have their Mums which I know is wrong but I cannot help it. I would give everything I own to have mine back. I just miss her so much. I’m dreading Friday, I honestly have no idea how I will get through it, will be the hardest day of my life.

Thank you again for your message of support

Wendy. Xx

Oh my wendy I feel so sad. Sad for all of us because at some stage In life we have to go thru this. I lost my mum 22 months ago and my dad 3 weeks ago. Dad was the focus of my families life for the last 3 years. Sibling rivalry spit me and my sisters up. Today I can write this because I can see the screen on my phone. In 5 minutes time I may not be able to because the tears when they come won’t stop. I’m full of anger one second and sadness I can’t describe the next. I wrote a little poem for dad’s funeral but can’t even remember it! Two things I know for me: 1. This is a season. It won’t last forever but I’m not going to let it be all bad. I’m going to keep my faith & feel the pain. I’m go g to see a councillor every week until I’ve talked & cried it out. 2. I’m never going to stop loving my folks. They gave me life even tho there have been times in my life when I wished that they hadn’t but they did. I’m going to. live it to the full. Use my experiences to help anyone who is ready to accept it & pray for Peace for you. X

Hi Wendy. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad the end of march. He had Alzheimer’s and my mum put him in a home. At that time he was very much knowing and all he wanted was to go home but my mum couldn’t cope. He didn’t even know he was going into a home it was all done unfairly. I wasn’t even told which upsets me greatly. When he was in the home he couldn’t cope with it and they ended up sectioning him. It was so cruel. My dad was able to walk, feed himself and hold a conversation. They were trying to get the right medication for him. Tried him with all different drugs but nothing seemed to work. He just wanted to go home. At home he was ok and doing his best. Putting him in the care home made his condition worse. What upsets me is that he was too knowing and the drugs just messed his mind up. Like yourself I wish I questioned things more. In the end they gave up on him and stopped all food and fluids. He passed 12 days later. Going to see him slowly deteriorating has really messed up my mind. I keep going over things what if I could have done something. Also if he wasn’t put in a home would he still be with me. I miss him terribly and feel so lost and the pain is awful. At the moment I’m just trying to take one day at a time. That’s all I can do. My life will never be the same. Try and be kind to yourself and make sure you look after yourself. Take care Wendy and hugs. Xxx

Hi Wendy,

I know how you are feeling, my Mum passed away on 11th June and we had her funeral on 22nd. Like you, I was dreading it and had no idea if I would be able to cope. Up until the last minute I wasn’t even sure if my sister and her family would even come (they did). The point is, you will get through the funeral, I am not going to pretend it will be easy, but you will get through it. I found that my Mum’s funeral helped me in so much as to make things seem a little more real. It didn’t mean that I miss my Mum any less or make the pain go away.

I wish you all the best for Friday and will be thinking of you.

Take care,

Sam

Hi Wendy

My Mum passed away almost exactly a year ago, have the first anniversary to get through in the next few days. There is nothing either I or anyone can say that can take the pain away but please know I and your other friends on here are thinking of you.

You sound such a loving daughter, she was lucky to have you. Hold your head high tomorrow, Friday, and celebrate her. Those three years you spent caring for your Mum must have been very hard at times but are something special too. You did everything you thought best so please do not beat yourself up worrying about the medication issues.

You mention taking your Mum to Ireland for a holiday, I had similar plans with my Mum, had promised we would revisit Venice together which was somewhere she loved. I am hoping to go there later in the year if I can manage it though know it will not be an easy trip for me to make. When the pain is less maybe you could go to Ireland.

Remember, head high tomorrow and be proud of having a lovely Mum and being a super daughter.

Mel
Xx

I’m so sorry for everyone pain I lost my mum 3 weeks ago to pulmary fibrosis and just feel so numb. It’s like I know she’s gone but my heart can’t quit believe it yet xx

Dear Wendy,
I lost my mother on the 3/12/2013 I didn’t get to say goodbye which still upsets me. Yes the pain of losing a mother is like nothing I have ever experienced. The bond with a mother is a very special one which sadly we realise when they are gone. I still often by accident call her number so even after a few years it is an automated thing you do. I often think I am forgetting her voice…when she first passed I counted the days from when she died, then it was the weeks I counted…on January the 3rd it was the first month…this went on and on after the first year the day and month counting goes and then it becomes the anniversary of the year. I can say that doing it like that has let me deal with it better as I now just buy her favourite flowers on her anniversary and light a candle my her picture. I have managed to give her death a little place which has helped me finally come to terms. Things will get easier that intense pain where tears roll down your face in shops does go…I will never not miss her because I do but accepting it and time has made it bearable…I can smile again…I have grandkids just like she had and I now know what she meant when she said grandkids bring so much love…I look at them and I hear your words. Never ever forgotten Wendy but things take time…

Hi motherduck, Joey, Sam, Mel, Annex & Josephine, I’m so very sorry for all of your losses too. Thank you so much for your messages of support.

Sorry I’ve not been able to reply until now but as you’re all no doubt aware it’s been a really busy difficult time, this topped with the fact we’ve had to start clearing out Mum’s house straight away as she was a council tenant and they will obviously want it back. She lived there for 28 years (I there with her for 8 of those) so it’s been horrendous packing up her stuff, especially her clothes. She kept so much sentimental stuff too including my first holy communion dress and my school report. I’ve been useless most of the time just dissolving into tears, thank god for our friends helping:(

Friday was so hard, it’s all a bit of a blur now. The worst bit was coming out to Mum when they brought her to the house for her final journey. The head undertaker had to calm me down and tell me to breathe as I walked out, I was in such a state, just awful. The sun shone though and everything did go well (albeit a family issue with an absolute cow of a cousin but hey, when is there not one of those?). Everyone said we did Mum proud.

My auntie (Mum’s sister) has been staying with me, this has helped. I am taking her home on Thursday though so will see how things go then when I’m back by myself. I and my brother are thinking of going to Ireland for a few days soon like you suggested Mel, we took her away last year to Kenmare/Kerry and she loved it. I drove her all around the Wild Atlantic Way in the south west not thinking for a second we wouldn’t make it back to do the north this year. We were thinking it might help us heal a little to go. We just thought it can’t hurt anymore than it does already.

Eventually I’m going to email a complaint to PALs regarding her treatment once I’m in a better place. I want answers and Mum deserves that too. It makes me feel sick to think she could still be here had they got the balance right. We knew it wasn’t forever as fibrosis has no cure but UCLH were expecting her for blood tests in August and palliative care to follow so there’s no way it should’ve ended the way it did. We should’ve had more time:(

I saw my Doctor yesterday and he’s signed me off work for 6 weeks and has referred me for counselling so hoping that will help a little. I hope you are all keeping well and getting through your days as best you can. Please keep me updated on how you’re all getting on.

Thank you all again for your lovely words of support.

Much love

Wendy

My mams care was very good she was at home and the nurses and her dr were lovely, I can’t imagine how you are feeling and hope you do put in a complaint and it helps give you some answers. Fibrosis is an awful disease my mum was struggling and suffering for a long time but the end was peaceful which was my biggest fear that it wouldn’t be. I can’t discribe how I’m feeling but my heart is so heavy and struggle carrying on day to day but reading posts on here helps because you are not alone. The council should be more understanding and can’t imagine having to empty the house straight away, my dad is still here so we didn’t have to face that thankfully but we will when his time comes, take care xx

Dear Wendy

I am so glad for you that the sun shone for your Mum’s day. In a small way it helps I think, the final straw to have to get through that dreadful day in rain. Now you can think that it is over, you did everything you could. Certainly don’t worry about needing help. For me seeing my Mum’s coffin destroyed me completely and I didn’t stop crying from that moment on for hours.

I am now a year down the line, a year and a day in fact. The last week leading up to the anniversary was awful but yesterday passed by somehow and was not nearly as bad as I thought. A couple of little wobbles, one on a bus. The relief for me that it is over is immense.

Clearing your Mum’s house so soon is so miserable. Am clearing mine and Mums a year on and couldn’t have done it earlier. All the memories it stirs up, for me over 50 years of them.

I hope your counselling sessions go well.

Mel.

Hi Joey, just wanted to answer you personally as your story touches a chord with mine. I’m so so sorry for what happened to your Dad. It sounds horrific, I didn’t even know it was possible for that to happen. It’s no surprise you feel that way. Surely if his behaviour was good and he was knowing there was no need for him to go on any medication? How could they stop food & fluids? Surely that’s illegal? I can’t understand why this happened. It’s just heartbreaking what consequences other people’s actions have. My heart goes out to you:(

My Mum was taken off steroids too quickly after 7 months, I questioned it but her consultant said it was fine. It wasn’t, it upset the balance her body was used to. She had retained water due to her heart struggling with the fibrosis, an echo was requested 2 months prior but was never done. Had it been they would’ve known her heart wasn’t too good but they didn’t do it. Her water tablet was increased to try reduce her size and the result was low sodium levels. When the sodium was given it was done at the normal dose instead it should’ve been a gradual one and her heart might’ve dealt with it better. A catalogue of errors which caused her heart to fail and us to lose her weeks or even months earlier than we should. Her heart failed and my heart is broken, I cry constantly and like you the pain is indescribable. I can’t see past it at the moment and just wish I could be with her. As you say it’s one day at a time but I hate my life without her in it. I have literally lost not only my Mum but my best friend too :frowning:

I’m so sorry again for what’s happened, please take care of yourself too. X

Wendy I lost mom 2 years ago very sudden and very unexpected my life changed the day I found her I never knew what grief was Until that moment I constantly talk to her and know that she is watching over me as significant things have happened in my life since she passed. I never got to say goodbye to her which I guess hurts the most because you are constantly wondering what you last said to her and what she must have been thinking! But the only way I cope is by knowing I have an angel in heaven watching over me and guiding me through my life. xx

You’re right, fibrosis is awful and Mum was struggling so much too. She couldn’t get upstairs to bed any more and was having to sleep in her recliner. It broke my heart seeing her that way. I hated it. But the way she went was unforgivable and unavoidable. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to accept? We were trying to get her moved into a beautiful extra care home just around the corner from me and had my local council onside to nominate her but she never made it. We are moving her things out of the house tomorrow, another difficult day to face with a heavy heart like yours. I honestly never knew I could cry so many tears. Life is just a big pile of poo right now.

You take care too. X

Hi Annie,

How are you? I hope you’re doing as well as is possible.

So sorry for the length of time in my response. It’s been a difficult few weeks. Can I just ask how you know your Mum is with you and what significant things happened? Only it’s been 3 months now and I am so full of heartache I’m struggling to feel my Mum is with me as I’m just consumed by immense pain. I just miss her so much :frowning:

I started counselling last week which was really brutal as had to relive it all over again but am hoping with time it will improve. I guess only time will tell.

Take good care of yourself, anyone else reading too.

Sending hugs

Wendy

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