Losing mum

I lost my much loved mum exactly a week today very unexpectedly. I was about an hour away when I got the call to say quickly come to my mums home I got there as quick as possible but unfortunately it was too late I’m absolutely devastated blaming myself I should of been there why did I go out that day I rarely am away from a home living close by to mum so why that day did I decide to go to central London .I got such a shock seeing my mum in such tragic circumstances I’m traumatised I won’t lose that image .I saw my mum the day before for which I’m
grateful for .I saw mum 3/4 times pw sometimes more I miss her so much it hurts like hell .I never got the chance to say all the things I still wanted to say .The crying is practically non stop I can’t think about anything else other than my mum .Everyone is saying you did the best for your mum you loved her she loved you you supported her through so much even when it was terribly hard for yourself you never gave up but it’s not helping I feel so guilty for not being with mum that dreadful day and always will .I feel scared ,anxious ,angry ,confused and so much more :cry:

2 Likes

Hi 259,
Just read your post. Am heartbroken for you.The immediate hours and days after a passing are so raw. Like you I couldn’t stop crying . There is nothing anyone can do to help you except listen to you as words and suggestions will mean nothing to you when you are in such a raw state. You just have to let it out and get through each hour.
I read somewhere that sometimes when a loved one passes they will sometimes skip away to save their loved ones from seeing them pass. Maybe this is what your mum wanted so it would save you the agony of it. I totally understand though how you feel about wanting to have been there.
There are so many things to do after someone passes and I am sure your head is all over the place.Do you have anyone to help and support you through everything.
I found this site was a godsend when my mum passed last Dec and I have made lifelong friends through mutual tragic circumstances.Please reach out on here for help advice a rant or anything as there are such lovely people on here who will reply and help you so much
Thinking of you
Deborah x

1 Like

Thank you Deborah for your kind words .I’m still in tears most of the time I’m heartbroken.I have a few people around me but when they leave I feel so alone I think oh I will go visit mum or pick up the phone then cry knowing I can’t .I will always feel so guilty for popping out that day I just can’t help it .I have the image of the emergency services when I arrived at mums and at first I thought oh she’s in the ambulance thank god .But then going in and seeing my mum laying covered is something I can’t get out of my mind :cry::cry:.

Hi 259,
Aww so glad you replied.I know exactly how you feel about being or feeling guilty I called 999 do it my mum when I couldn’t stop her being sick throughout the night In fact it was the second night of sickness and she went into hosp.Within an hour they told me death was imminent and a DNR was put on her despite me not agreeing to it. I will forever feel guilty that I phoned 999 that night.If only I had waited until the morning etc Every time I tell people how I feel so guilty they all say but you mustn’t blah blah.The problem is I do feel very guilty and it hasn’t changed since my passed last Dec.It hasn’t got any better and I will always feel very guilty. So you are not going to stop feeling guilty for the immediate future despite what anyone will tell you and somehow like myself you have to put up with the torture of it all.I don’t have any answers of how to make it better but just wanted you to know I feel your pain on this one. I still think to myself I will just phone mum to tell her something then it hits me like a ton of bricks that she isn’t there anymore and the overwhelming pain I still get is well I can’t describe it to be honest.I have cried and cried over the past few months until I can’t cry anymore. I have had panic attacks because I think I will never cope without her.I have done everything I can like making a memory table about mum, watching videos of her,looking at old photos anything just to keep her image alive. Nothing eases the fact she has gone and the whole finalness of it all. That’s all I can advise you is keep posting on here because you will truly be among people who care and understand.Everyone is going through the same and despite their own pain they reach out and help.No one judges anyone and therefore I have always felt safe posting how I feel,what I am going through and even having a rant. People respond with kindness and understanding and this site has been an absolute godsend to me and I would say a real lifesaver.Night times used to be the worse when family members had gone to bed and it was the time I felt most alone and when I cried continually.Thats when I started posting on here and from then on I knew I wasn’t alone anymore.
I have met the most wonderful friends and just a week or two ago three of us met up for the first time.How wonderful was that. It’s like our mum’s made it happen to help us.I like to think that anyway.
I also found setting very small trivial targets for each day helped especially in the beginning.Somexdays it was just getting out of bed as this was something that I just couldn’t do.Another was making a cup of tea. Even that was to much of an effort.The only time I did anything was if I had to make any of the official arrangements as I had to do everything. Gradually and I mean gradually I did a bit more each day and with the friends I met on line we kept each other going totally understanding when any of us dipped and when we did and still do it’s sheer agony. What you are going through right now is totally normal and I would say grab any support you can to help you get through each day and break each day into hours. I can’t tell you it will get better as it hasn’t yet for me and I am 8mths in. The crying has eased but I still cry every day with memories,triggers or from my guilt.
When you feel ready post about your mum.Just writing about her will help you.
Have you had the funeral yet?
We are all here for you ok so keep posting on here
I will check on you again tom
Big hugs
Deborah x pl

Dear Deborah thank you for reply I wasn’t expecting anything it lifted my mood very slightly when I saw it knowing that someone actually understands how I feel .You’ve been through such a traumatic time yourself i totally understand about the guilt part it’s not something one can overcome is it ?I know people mean well when they say it’s not your fault and you did your best always being there for mum yet somehow I can’t accept that .Mum hasn’t had a funeral as yet as her death was sudden and unexpected it had to be referred to the coroners :disappointed:It’s lovely you have photos ,videos of your mum and can look back I do have some however I wish I’d taken a lot more .I’d taken a photo of mum the day before her passing she was sleeping I didn’t want to disturb her so I quietly took the photo and said see you Sunday mum and left sadly she passed on the Saturday.That’s lovely to hear you have met up with other people on the group that sounds comforting perhaps some day that will happen with me .Once again thank you for your kindness Deborah .