I forgot to mention, I too have a Heidi in my life, in the form of my 4 year old niece. Maybe our virtual friendship is a ‘Heidi’ thing. What a lovely thought…x
My Heidi would like that thought! She used to say you can find a positive in every negative if you look hard enough … x
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Hi Kathy
Yes I have Heidi who is my eldest at 23, Lucy who is 20 and Sam was my youngest at 18. Heidi is living in Australia for a few years so she came home when it happened but she had to go back 3 days after ‘Sam’s send off’ as she was only allowed in her home country for 21 days. It was very hard saying goodbye to her again as we only have Lucy at home now.
I really like the story of the baby and that makes sense to me. I am constantly asking Sam to send me signs that he’s ok but actually what you said about the grief is about ‘MY loss’ is probably more realistic, and he is probably fine. Its probably just me that is worrying about him too much, I just need to know he’s not too sad.
Oh Kathy, I have just got to the part where you mentioned what happened to Heidi, so so tragic. As a paramedic (and like your daughters husband will know) we attend people regularly that are having ‘suicidal thoughts’ but we have many ‘regulars’ that call us constantly and never have any intention of doing anything. The sad stories are the ones like your Heidi where we don’t have the opportunity of saving them. I hope she is at peace now, and I’m sure she is.
In relation to the inquest, we have been told it could take 6 months as they are awaiting the report from his black box from his car and his phone records (we understand he had an argument with his girlfriend that night so the police want to retrieve the texts, I really hope it wasn’t anything major). It just feels like we can’t move on properly until the inquest is over, there are too many ‘what ifs, whys, whens’ etc.
I have tried looking at old photos to jog my memory but I’m still struggling to make a story from them. The photos are familiar but I can’t remember being there. I hope it does change with time, I know its early days so hopefully it will change soon and I can remember the happy times instead of what is going through my mind now.
Than you so much for sharing your story, this site has helped me much more than my one to one counselling.
Hugs back, Deli xx
Definitely a lovely thought, Heidi isn’t a very common name so its nice that 3 of us can relate. What a lovely saying Kathy ‘you can find a positive in every negative if you look hard enough’, I wish I could relate to this now, maybe I will one day xx
My son Antony died on scene car incident Dec 2016 forever 29, the rawness of grief is overwhelming and I didn’t return to work until july2017 I went back phased return …there is a wonderful forum for bereaved parents called compassionate friends and also has private fb page. Though this site is wonderful for me a site dedicated to bereaved parents helped to know I’m not alone on this awful journey , I too got the dreaded knock on the door and even when 2 policemen came in I still didn’t want believe it though I think I knew, I went into shock which is normal and all the questions with no answer are normal for this grief, even now I still can only focus on the fact Antony died and isn’t coming home and I still ask how can that be . Each person’s journey is different and though the rawness as eased where I can function the sadness and pain sinks deeper as someone once said into our bones . I am still awaiting an article 2 inquest with a jury. I too smell Antonys jacket though now his smell worn off its now part of my evening ritual to Antony. Don’t think any parent ever thinks rawness will ease and when we are in the pit any glimmer of light is none existent, I’m so sorry you find yourself here xx
Hi Deli. I know what you mean, we’ll probably always worry about our children, hoping they’re not sad, and we’ll always miss them - that’s the price you pay for being a Mum I guess! But I’m as sure as I can be that Sam, and Heidi, are safe and happy doing whatever the next life holds and that we’ll be with them again one day. I sympathise with you missing Lucy so much. We live abroad and miss our other daughter and son so much more since Heidi’s death. Our son initially went to pieces and came to live with us for a while. I used to get big hugs from him, and like your Sam he would always ask if I was shrinking (I’ve tried all my life to get to 5ft1 but have never quite managed it!).
Heidi had suffered mental health problems for some time, but towards the end she had compulsions she couldn’t control. One time she was doing a shop in a large supermarket when she had a bad panic attack. She felt the need to cool down quickly so started emptying the bottom shelf of the chiller to lie down in, much to the consternation of staff and other customers. The kind paramedics who were called out diffused the situation and got her safely to hospital and then into the care of the home crisis team. I smile about it now, but in your job you never know what each shift is going to bring so I’m with Maddie and Orchard on this that you shouldn’t even think about going back until you feel properly ready. My son in law finds his job so rewarding, as I’m sure you do, but also very challenging at times so for now give yourself the space you need. Put yourself first. You’ll know when the time’s right but it’s such early days yet.
It’s so sad that Sam and his girlfriend had an argument that night. She must be feeling dreadful. The ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ are horrible, and on some things we’ll never know the answer. 6 months seems a long time to wait for an inquest - I didn’t appreciate how lucky we were to have ours after just 3 months - but the first year was the worst anyway. It was reading posts on this community that helped me, people whose feelings I could relate to, so I’m always up for a chat. Sending hugs to you too, Kathy xx
Oops, sorry Deli, I meant to say I understand how much you must miss your Heidi (not Lucy!) … xx
Thank you for replying to me Julie, and I’m so sorry about Antony. I’m quite scared that maybe I haven’t realised properly yet whats happened and its going to hit me all over again. Sometimes I feel guilty when I’m not crying but then other times I will be driving then suddenly realise I have tears streaming down my face. I just can’t imagine life without Sam, I feel utterly broken. xxx
Thank you Kathy, I realised you meant Heidi not Lucy! I smiled when I read what Heidi did in the supermarket, bless her and I’m glad you can smile about it now too. I’m still struggling to remember things about Sam, I’ve even thought about taking his pictures down because all I see when I look at them is him driving and the accident. I don’t know why its going to take so long for the inquest but they have said it may not even be this year. They are awaiting his mobile phone records and the results from the black box he had installed in his car, and then the report from the police accident investigator. I wish we didn’t have to have one really because I don’t know if I want to hear it all. I can’t not go though because I don’t want other people knowing things that I don’t. I was driving the other day when I suddenly realised I was crying, I don’t know why it suddenly happened like this, maybe it was a memory or something in my subconscious. Anyway, I started having a chat with him and I asked him to try and let me know he was ok, I thought I better ask for something specific so I asked him to do something with the radio. About 10 seconds later, the radio went all crackly then went off for about 3 minutes! I hope it was Sam letting me know he’s ok and it wasn’t just coincidental. Home life is difficult at the moment, my husband and Lucy are finding it hard to talk about him but thats all I want to do. I start talking about him and they leave the room, so I end up going out with friends for a coffee or something and all I talk about is Sam. I hope they don’t get fed up of me. I’m going away with a friend next week for a week in the sun, I just didn’t want to be at home for mothers day this year. Anyway, sorry I’m rambling! Thank you so much for taking so much time replying to me xx
I’m so happy for you Deli ! You asked for a very specific sign and you got one, no doubt about it. Whether you believe it was Sam answering you directly, or whether you believe it was God answering the cry from your heart to reassure you that Sam’s OK, don’t ever doubt that it was real and that we’ll be together again with our precious children one day. Wow, I bet that gave you a bit of a lift! There’s a thread on here called ‘Spirits’ (in the Coping with bereavement category) which I think you’d find interesting.
We all grieve differently but I’m sad for you that your husband and Lucy leave the room when you want to talk about Sam. My husband rarely mentions Heidi’s name and at first would change the subject if I spoke about her, but that was just his way of coping. A mother’s bond is different, deeper maybe, after all we grew them inside us for months… When we scattered Heidi’s ashes my husband and son gave me a hug, but my daughter, Beccy, just looked at me and held my hand.I knew from her eyes that she understood, one Mum to another. Going away for mothers’ day is a good idea. That was a big hurdle, the first mothers day with only 2 children. It felt empty somehow, but I had a text from Beccy first thing saying she knew I’d be feeling strange, so that helped. I hope the sun shines for your week away, and that Sunday isn’t too painful for you. Do drop me a line when you get back. xx
Oh I will look at the ‘spirits’ thread, I think that would be appropriate for me as I am quite spiritual. I’m glad you understand about family members acting differently, its been bothering me and I hope things will change. Or maybe, I’m too far behind them and one day I will find it hard to speak about him too, I hope not. Thank you so much for messaging Kathy, you seem to understand how I feel and its helping me more than my one to one counselling. I will definitely message you once I’m back xx