Losing my Dad, and help with my Mum

Hi,

I lost my Dad coming up to nearly a year ago now. It’s been really hard, he was unwell, but nothing terminal and it was all being treated and he was just taken very suddenly and tragically. Me, my brother and Mum were with him when he died and it’s taken a lot to accept and ‘get over’ that.

I’m really struggling with my mum at the moment. She’s been left widowed now and I feel whatever I do at the minute just isn’t enough for her. For context I live in my own home with kids and a husband and I work. My Mum still works, she seems to have a good support network of friends that she sees and a bereavement group she attends, she sees her sister semi-regularly. She looks after my kids 2 days a week, which is something we’ve suggested we change so she can have more time to her, but she’s refused as would be on her own a lot of the time.

When my Dad died, she wanted the house clearing ASAP, I think this was her part of coping. We’ve done this, sold and given away everything more or less. It’s taken me near 12 months of hard graft every night to sell things for her. My brother has done the bare minimum in this regard as he has other commitments. So do I but this seems to be over-shadowed. My brother takes her out of day trips quite a lot, I struggle with this on a money aspect and I feel resentment from my Mum for this.

At the minute she is very short and bad-tempered with me, she will ring about 5 times a day everyday just for small things that could wait. She will disturb me in work about things constantly. I see on average about 4-5 days a week for about an hour-2 hours at a time. But I feel this isn’t enough. My brother seems to get off scot free with things and seems to skip all this anger and resentment.

She’s currently after a few holidays a year as a full family. I’ve said I can’t commit to this every year due to my own family, and again I’ve been met with resentment.

I whole heartedly understand that she misses my Dad, feels lonely and needs someone and is still grieving. But I also am grieving and I feel I’m doing the most I can. Am I doing enough? Should I be doing more? Should I just try and push aside how I feel to help her and make her feel better, be the bigger person? I’m at breaking point at the minute.

I am fully supported by my partner, but even they are at a loss as to what to do.

1 Like

Hello @crabrave007,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex