I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling pain, anger and confusion. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad and friend. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Sending super sized hugs of support, I can see it’s been a lot to go through, & both sad losses will of made changes, & empty spaces in your life, it will take time to process such big changes.
Loosing a parent is a lot to take in on its own, without the loss of a friend who, I’m guessing would of supported you through that loss. I find when things are overwhelming & a lot to take in, I mind map, or keep a diary & colour code my thoughts according to emotions, (Blue for sadness, red for anger, purple for fear/anxiety), but you do whatever works for you. I tend to find lately that my emotions come in waves, just trust the tide. I can understand why with it all being so resent, those emotions are still raw.
I had 2 suicide attempts back in my teens, so I know from experience, when people are in that headspace, we hide how we feel very well, sometimes too well, & there’s nothing anyone could of done or said. But it’s up to you how you choose to work through that grief, cry, scream, write, sing heavy metal at full volume, talk to a friend or councillor, just let it out in your own way.