It’s been 5 weeks since my dad died after a sudden very short illness. He had not been feeling well for about 3 weeks beforehand . He got taken into hospital a week before and was diagnosed with mesothelioma 4 days before he died. He was asleep on and off for the last 2 or 3 days of his life. On his last day we left him at about 6pm , telling him we loved him and we would see him tomorrow. I had decided I was going back in the morning and was going to stay with him as we knew he was coming to the end of his life. We had a call at 1am the next morning to say we needed to go to the hospital as his breathing was shallow. We rushed to the hospital but sadly dad had died 10 minutes before we got there. I am consumed with guilt for not staying with him and going home the day before. I can’t get over that I wasn’t with him when he died. I keep thinking of him being all alone. The nurse said she was with him when he passed away peacefully. But I keep thinking she probably wasn’t and she’s just trying to stop us from thinking he was alone. I can’t stop thinking about him being alone. It’s breaking my heart. I cry all the time when I m at home but I have to be strong for my mum. Has anyone else felt like this x
Hello Rubyroo22
Firstly, my condolences on the passing of your beloved dad. It is clear from your message that your grief is very raw, which it will be of course. Your love for your dad shines through in your words.
My situation is different to yours in that my beautiful mam passed away at home after 9 days of palliative care after nearly 3 weeks in hospital. She passed away nearly 10 weeks ago .Me and mam lived together for 60 and a half years. Mam had Alzheimer’s the last three years. I miss her so much. We were each other’s world. I am on my own now.
I don’t know how I get through each day. When mam was in hospital, I stayed 12 hours a day and went home at 8.00pm at night and back at 9.00am the next morning. I used to run into the hospital and onto the ward hoping she was okay. It felt awful that worry, so I can certainly empathise with your feelings and situation.
I didn’t want mam in hospital, just as you wouldn’t have wanted your beloved dad in hospital, but the day she went in, I had to ring an ambulance. I couldn’t leave it. Even though I had no choice, I sometimes reflect on it and think maybe I shouldn’t have rang them, but in reality I had to.
I only started posting on here at the start of April. I needed to speak to people in the same position as me. There are lots of people on here who will support you.
Just to let you know that I wanted you to know that I hope my message helps a little. God bless and sending you all my kindest regards and support. Best wishes. Stephen 
Hi @Rubyroo22
Similar situation with my mum. I got there 10mins after she had passed in the hospital.
I also panicked and was consumed with guilt no one was with her right at the end.
It was only when I started calling people did they all say the same thing. That was your mum. She was organised to the end. She wouldn’t have wanted to put me through that final breath which can be so harrowing. She was private and sensitive and decided to slip away when no one was looking.
When I spoke to the doctors about it, apparently its a known phenomenon. A lot of people dont like anyone being in the room when they die. Especially if the person was private or sensitive. They also dont want to put their loved ones through it.
Given that earlier that day I had a very spiritual conversation with mum, where her eyes were still moving, I think she took that as final permission to go. I think she heard what she needed to and that was the final goodbye.
Knowing how hospitals operate i think the ‘10mins’ is probably not true as well. The likelihood is it could have been a couple of hours . So there is no way of budgeting for that. Can’t be at the bed side 24/7. At least they rang you at 1am. Was always my worst fear they wouldn’t at that time.
The conclusion is you shouldn’t feel bad. It happens a lot, and actually, it may well have been your dad’s final wish for you not to see him like that. He probably just wanted to pass away peacefully without a fuss.
Hope sharing this helps you.
Daniel
I absolutely agree with what Daniel said. My mum passed away in December. We’d been there (at the hospital)12-14 hours a day for days, never leaving her alone until it was nighttime. I was terrified every breath was her last. When I left the last night I told her to wait til morning if she wanted me there. I think I knew she wouldn’t. She was with my uncle when he passed almost 10 years ago and I know she’d found it harrowing. She never said directly but hinted that she’d never want that for me. So whilst I feel guilty and worry that she was alone, I think she’d have preferred to spare us the final moments. I think there’s an element of choice in the moment - again doctors and counsellors have said the same- so please try to find peace with the timing. This path is hard enough without carrying guilt about how it happened.
Thank you all for your kind words
Hi Rubyroo22
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in December and it was similar to you. He was taken to hospital with stomach pains and we thought he was going to be fine. But his pancreas was swollen so we stayed with him a few days but at 1.45am on the Friday morning we received the call that he was deteriorating. We rushed in and stayed with him while they took him off life support. After around 30 mins, he stopped breathing.
I know you feel guilty for not being there, but honestly I sometimes wish I wasn’t. Seeing someone take their last breath has haunted me ever since.
Part of me is glad I was there with him and part of me is so heartbroken that I had to witness my Dad in that way.
Please try to not feel guilt and know that he may have done that to save you from seeing your loved one go.
I hope you are ok and here if you want to talk more 