I lost my Dad last August. My Mum had fallen down the stairs in June and broken her ankle, 2 weeks later my Dad became very weary very quickly which we thought was running around after Mum. He had bloods taken and 24 hrs later a shock diagnosis of leukaemia. Hospital admission and the haematologist said “this is as serious as it gets”. He was on drips, oxygen, blood transfusions. Had 2 vasovegal episodes (fainting but unable to recover without help due to low immunity), both of which happened in front of me and were horrific to witness. He spent his 70th birthday in hospital (the day the vasovegals happened). He was given 6 months, developed neutrapenic sepsis, spent 3 weeks in hospital and then 3 days end of life care at home. He died 4 weeks after diagnosis. Shock doesn’t begin to cut it.
I have 4 children aged 3, 5, 11 & 13 (at the time) and I thought my grief was just enough to cripple me until it started in my kids. That is unbearable to watch. How do you explain that to a 3 and 5 year old. They both receive counselling in school/nursery. I can’t talk to them, they have so many questions, I get upset then they do and they don’t want to upset me so it becomes difficult. We talk about the good things though. The funny stories. I have held it all in to keep everything going and it’s now affecting me physically.
My Dad was a very fit man, played golf the week before the diagnosis. Life is never the same and sometimes I feel like I’m on the outside of it watching it happen.
This is my first post, I’m sorry it’s so long. But yes drowning is most certainly the word. X
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@MThomp78 hi lovely, I’m very new to this online community too, but welcome!
I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. It sounds like a very traumatic time in the run up too. I can relate because I lost my mum 8 weeks ago to Covid. She suffered a horrible decline and we weren’t allowed to say goodbye. But no matter what the circumstances, it’s horrible and devastating to lose a parent (no one prepares you for that).
I can understand that you say grief is affecting you physically because I’m experiencing that atm. It’s awfully hard and not something we seem to be able to control. I’m afraid I can’t personally offer any help or advice on how to help your children as I’m not a mum myself but it sounds as though you are doing your very best for them, especially seeing as you are grieving deeply yourself. I guess we may want to shield our kids from our own grief but I think it’s probably pretty impossible. Maybe it’s better to be open that you are very sad because you have lost your Dad as it shows that we’re human and that it’s ok to show vulnerability and sadnessat losing someone we love. Vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weakness. We can’t always be strong.
Well done for joining this community. Although I’m very new to it too, I can already take some comfort knowing I’m not alone in this, and that people understand and care. Keep posting and take care lovely. Please be kind to yourself as it sounds as though you’re doing brilliantly 
God bless and love xxx
Hi
Sorry about your Mum. It’s a life changer. I just feel anxious, worried, stressed all the time. My sides ache, I’ve got digestive issues I think. I don’t settle or rest and I worry ridiculously. It’s just awful.xx