Losing my Dad

Hi everyone
I lost my Dad February 2022. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer after Christmas 2021 and had an appointment with the oncologist on the 2nd February to discuss treatment. He was told there was no treatment and that he had 3 to 6 months left to live. He died 19 days later with my mum, my three sisters and myself by his side at home. I can’t believe he has gone. He was the strongest person I have ever known. If anyone had any worries, if my Dad said it would be ok it always was. I love and miss him so much. People have said online that it has been a year and I should be moving on. I can’t move on. It feels as raw to me now as it did back then. I have one of my sisters who I am especially close to and I know she feels the same as me. We can’t talk about it because when we do we always have the same conversations but never any ideas on how to move on. I feel like I am in limbo and nothing seems real. Am I abnormal? I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I tell myself that he is upstairs when I visit my mum. I wouldn’t want to fall apart in front of her. I keep getting told “your Dad wouldn’t want you to be so unhappy”. I know that he wouldn’t but I just don’t know how to get out of it. I would be grateful for any advice please.
Thank you

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Hey

I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. I can really relate to you . I lost my dad in Sep 2022 which is a matter of months and everyone tells me the same things” life goes on…… your dad would want you happy “ etc etc
But until they go through it , it is so hard for life to go on! I was a daddy’s girl through and through , I’m only 23 with no kids, so I am struggling to “ carry on” in a sense, but we find that no matter how much of a wall we hit the earth still seems to move around us. I hate it, I hate that we have to carry on without our parents? We want them in our lives so badly but life can be so cruel .
For me when I have hit a brick wall I just tell myself “ ok, let’s not put so much pressure on ourselves, we will do this one day at a time” and I have tried CBT therapy ( didn’t work) tried some yoga, listened to some mindfulness podcasts and tried to maintain basic duties like getting out of bed .
We can never overcome grief from what I’ve learned so far, but we can try and work around it the best we can, even if that is making a brew or going to the shop on a tough day.
Apologies if you have tried the above so far, but you aren’t alone in this, it’s so hard to try and carry on when we see people around us doing so. I’d love to know how people go back to “ normal life” straight away as it’s a myth, you go at your own pace with grief. We know our dads would want us to be happy, but they would also be proud of how well you are doing especially with your mum as I am with mine.
I am also the same with my siblings, I am scared to keep speaking to them about it as I feel a burden when they are trying to carry on in their own ways

You have got this, the brick wall will look smaller to get over soon

Emma x

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Thank you so much Emma for your kind words. I am so very sorry about your Dad. Like you say unless they have been through it people don’t understand. They try to give words of comfort I know and say things like “times a healer”. I personally don’t believe that. I believe that we go on because we have to. It has been a year for me now and I think that I will eventually learn to live a new kind of “normal” but life will never be the same. I know that both yours and my Dad would want us to be happy but how can we be? I don’t know the answers yet but hope things will become less painful. My Dad taught me so much in life but not how to go on without him. I talk to him all the time and in my head I can imagine the answer he would give. I really appreciate you messaging me and I hope you find some comfort to move forward. It is very early days for you so I know the pain you are feeling. I am sending love and hugs to you. Thank you so much again for your message. If you ever want to talk or grumble (I was angry at one point which I didn’t expect) or just a chat about anything I will always listen. Sending you love and hugs.
Corrina xx

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Hi Corinna
Thank you for your lovely reply, I will remember this when I need a winge which feels like every week haha!
I fully agree with you, it’s like I’m talking to myself here? Our dads teach us so much in life but it’s never this as they are so strong . The time is a healer thing is weird I don’t think it heals a broken heart I just imagine it as someone cutting your heat open and putting a pack of plasters on it, and when the plaster has run it’s course it falls off and your exposed to that pain again until you find a good plaster. Them plasters can be anything you enjoy in life but our grief will always come back to us, I find it comes back to me in my happiest moments because I feel guilty for trying to have a laugh with my siblings etc it’s very strange .
Even a year on I imagine the pain is no different , I am always here for a chat whenever you need I am dreading Father’s Day I won’t lie x

Hi Emma
I hate Father’s Day too. Last year I bought my Dad a single artificial red rose and put it next to his photo. I also had my very first tattoo. I will send you a photo if it.
Love and hugs
Corrina xx

My lovely Dad
xxxxx