Losing my father just over a year ago

Last year I said goodbye to me amazing father he helped me through so much and stood by me when I needed him I had to sign papers to pull all medical supplies from him as that was his wishes and since then I’ve been finding it so hard to celebrate my birthday and Christmas 4 days befor my birthday i carried him in to the funeral and a huge part left me left me so emotionally unwell in so many ways and still find it hard to this day to figure out where i am since losing him I want to be happy again and be happy for my kids and be the best father I can be for them but I’m finding it so hard

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I can relate, having lost my father 2 yrs ago. My world was turned inside out, upside down and as I now know it will never be the same again but over time you learn to stop fighting with yourself and come to a place of peace and acceptance. Losing a parent is losing the very anchor and foundation of your life, also the security, safety, your childhood and your history. It also strips us bare and then find we are having to face our own mortality. Whatever age we are, our parents were invincible even though logically we are aware one day they will leave us. However, their love never leaves and they are still always within us. Our mannerisms, our thought processes, our DNA and most of all their knowledge and wisdom which gave us the tools to survive life… This was their job before they left and continues onwards, guiding us, loving us and wanting the best for us. They are at peace and we now have to seek peace. It takes as long as it takes because when they left they took a piece of our heart with them. When my heart hurts I know it’s dad holding it tightly letting me know he misses me too.
You are clearly a very loving son as it takes a lot of love and courage to carry your dad at his funeral and to carry out his medical wishes. He will be so proud of you x

Thank you I just feel lost and unno how I feel still I’ve hidden the medical stuff away from the family as they would hate me more it’s hard after that day was the last I spoke to most of my family and took my own way with my partner and our kids well she was pregnant at the time of this but it’s more feeling like I’m hollow and lost so many feelings like I don’t know what feelings are any more because I spent 6 to 7 years reminding him of doctor appointments hospital appointments spent every minute by his side whilst my partner was at home looking after my stepdaughter and making sure her self is okay I lost a huge part of my life caring for him but il never forget that as that made me who I am it’s just the feeling side of it all

Hi Charlie2
It’s understandable the way you are feeling (or not feeling). Sometimes it just hurts too much to feel and so we can shut down our emotions to protect ourselves to until we are ready to face them.
I too spent 10 years of my life going to hospital and Dr’s appointments with my dad and being by his side thought everything. I also felt lost because Dad was my life and so now we no longer have that role to fill there is a huge void as well as the loss and all that goes with it. You will process your emotions when the time is right. Don’t force anything. Just stay in the present moment and take it one day at a time. It’s still early days. It is 2 years for me and although the grief doesn’t go away it does get easier to bear and you will smile and be happy again. Your dad would be very proud of you and he will always be with you. Talk to him, he will hear you. I hope you managed to get through Christmas and your birthday ok as there are so many ‘firsts’ and special occasions that we have to negotiate. Take care
Lyn x