Losing my friend

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Hi Everyone,

I really need some help here. Almost a month ago my good friend committed suicide. About two months ago I was 5150ed for suicidal thoughts and about two weeks ago after my friends death I tried to OD.

So that is what has been happening in the last 2 months. Anyways, I’m grieving really hard. Something new I’m now struggling a lot with is this imposter feeling of grief. Yesterday after I got a tattoo for my friend, I started feeling many emotions about how I am “doing too much” or how I don’t have a right to feel like this compared to his actual family or people who saw him all the time. I feel like this imposter all of a sudden, even though my grief is incredibly real.

A little background on me and this friend’s relationship.. We met back in high school when I was about 14 (I’m 27 now), and we immediately hit it off and I remember one of our first conversations, we sat on the bleachers after school and had a really deep conversation about depression. Since high school I’ve seen him off and on and we’ve spoken off and on. The last few months we’ve spoken a lot more before he died. We were speaking almost every day, whether that was texting or FaceTime. A lot of this is fuzzy because I was going through a lot the last couple of months as well and drinking too much to cope. Which also hurts.

Anyways, I feel like what really bonded me to him was that I didn’t really have friends that I felt super comfortable with talking about my mental health and I always did with him.

I did a GoFundMe for his family which raised a good amount, held a celebration of life for the friends that I knew of his, spoke at the funeral, and have now gotten this tattoo. So this feeling of wondering if I’m over exaggerating or just..I don’t even know :frowning: I need advice. I’m comparing myself to his family or closer friends who knew his family. I also worry people think I’m attention seeking. Feeling all of this weight on top of the grief now and it’s just unbearable.

Oh.. I also didn’t answer his last two FaceTimes to me. He told me he didn’t want to be here anymore so this is all just destroying me

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Hello @Blueberrygirl,

I’m so sorry to read about your friend. It sounds like things are really difficult right now and you are struggling with a feeling of imposter with your grief.

We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving, and it is often about wanting the person who has died back or life to go back to how we know it. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:

I just wanted to reach out to thank you for sharing so honestly and to let you know there is lots of other support out there. I would really encourage you to speak to someone about how you are feeling. The following website might help you find support services closer to home: https://help.befrienders.org/

You deserve care and support, @Blueberrygirl - keep on reaching out.

Take care,
Alex

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Hi Blueberrygirl, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I lost my son to suicide, so I know how incredibly hard grief can be. There really is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it can be so hard to even describe how you’re feeling because feelings change from one moment to the next.

You’ve done some lovely things to honour and remember your friend, and I’m sure those memories will always be special. But it’s important to be kind to yourself too. Grief takes so much out of us, and you don’t have to carry it all on your own.

Fnding some support, therapy or a bereavement group can really help. Therapy has helped me so much on my own grief journey. Sending you love and a huge hug.:people_hugging:

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