Hello @Ang12
I loss my partner to covid in January. He was 56, he was on CPAP for a week then on a ventilator for a week. I get so upset at how alone and scared he was, he even text me saying it was difficult not having me by his side. He even said he was sorry he put me through this. He was diagnosed with COPD when he was 38 which was controlled by using an inhaler. He was a bus driver who was extremely clinically vulnerable and shielded when necesarry and went back to work when BJ told people could. I feel guilty in that i didnt plead with him to stop going work, his mum even told him he shouldnāt of gone work. I have battles in my head if I could of said more, maybe I should of walked out on him let him think our relationship was over, i could of made a difference.
Hello @Amylost
My husband died with virus associated Cardiomyopathy almost 12 years ago. He was so healthy prior to that, rarely even had a cold. What think is its meant to be sadly. I donāt think you could have done anything to change it. My dear mum who has just died, firmly believed that the day you die is already pre determined when you are born and thereās nothing you can do to change it.
Guilt is part of the grieving process, but please donāt beat yourself up, his death is not your fault.
We are still waiting on the cause of my husbandās sudden death but I dread the report linking it to COVID as I caught it at work and gave it to him. He hadnāt been anywhere and I hadnāt been anywhere else. I would have given up my job if I had known as now I have no future and neither does he. Iām hoping that they say it was something else but he was fit and healthy before. I canāt help feeling responsible and the longer it takes for the report, the harder it is to push it to the back of my mind.
Helli @Amylost
I think exactly the same my oartner had to go to work and said he didnāt feel safe I said to him dont go in but he wouldnt stay off work and that is where he caught covid we didnāt go anywhere else . I wish Iād made him stay off I wish I rang a Dr earlier and I wish I pushed to get in and see him before he went on the ventilator. I cant allow myself this think about him still it terrifies me the pain is unbearable 
Hello @Ang12
I just donāt get why my partner didnāt listen it said on his letter from the NHS not to go on public transport and yet he was a bus driver who was extremely clinically vulnerable, I repeated it back to him, he didnāt say anything and now Iām lost, lonely without him. He text when in hospital and apologised for putting me through this, breaks my heart over and over.
I too wished I saw him before being ventilated, that would of been so hard to do though, I would of fainted as to see the suffering he was going through.
We have to try so hard to stop beating ourselves up, it was their choice to keep working, they knew the risks, but we are the ones who are suffering.
Iām so sorry for your loss. Itās a tough journey we are on and I feel so sad that my Marti didnāt listen, even his sons kept telling him. What more could we of done.
Amy x
Hi @Amylost
Thank you x I know I couldnāt have stopped him going in no matter how hard I tried . He worked at Jaguar and he said he didnāt feel safe but they are so strict there the pressure was there for him to go in and that is where he caught it without a doubt. I know what you mean about being lost and lonely I honestly havenāt stopped I visit people or walk with someone every day or night I am exhausted but I am terrified to stop because thats when reality hits and it is just too painful Alec was the absolute love of my life and he was so lively to me he always said if anything happens to him he would want me to be happy and that is what I am trying to do for our grown up kids and grandchild although i donāt know how can be happy without him I just donāt. I think I am spending my days pretending im ok . I think your husband would want you to be happy for your family too live his life for him as much as you can. Sending you big hugs be kind to yourself and we both need to stop blaming ourselves. X
I know how you feel Honeybee, I was not allowed to have a post mortem I also had to fight to get his ashes released to me as I lived with him for nearly forty years had two children with him but we were not married. I was not allowed to arrange his funeral and I had to get a letter from my daughter releasing his ashes to me before it happened three months after his funeral. Several co operative cemeteries turned us down in our area and we had to have a funeral elsewhere. We also could not have a mourning car or have his body bought to my house. At least funerals are much better again now. This happened in April 2020. Take it easy and look after yourself.
I believed it was law that you could see a loved one if they were dying. I have not known anyone to be refused. I hope you make a strong complaint. It is disgraceful that people are treated this way. I have lost all respect for the NH S after the way my husband was treated when he had pancreatic cancer.
My husband was taken to hospital during the lockdown and caught Covid there. We were not allowed to visit and to this very day I donāt understand what was going on. He was super vulnerable, had a complex medical history and we had pretty much gone into recluse to shield him, not going out, not seeing anyone as we were terrified of him catching Covid. He always said heād never survive it. On one occasion the doctors wanted to have a meeting with me about his medical conditions. At that point he was being treated for sepsis. There was no mention of Covid, only their concerns that he was at risk if exposed to it. I later found out he had already tested positive but the doctor never at any point in that hour long meeting mentioned that. In fact they offered to take me to see him and I found him in an open bay ward, not a side room as I would have expected for one so vulnerable. No PPE was given and I later was told by my daughter in law who had spoken to the ward clerk that same day that he was on a Covid positive ward. Of course he didnāt stand a chance. My family and I think he was not cared for and suspect negligence but will never be able to prove it. We did raise an inquiry but Iām sure you all wonāt be surprised to learn they āclosed ranksā. Iām so haunted, so angry, both at the hospital and the government for their abysmal handling of this. Thereās no closure and no way of moving on. Life can be so very cruel. I hope all of you in here find comfort in knowing youāre not alone. Weāre all in this together. I wish you well. xx