I lost my husband to suicide on the 31/12/2024. We knew each other since we first started school at 5 years old and our birthday’s are 3 days apart. We were in the same class and friendship groups throughout school and started dating around 15 years old and had the first of our three children in our late teens. My husband was always the emotionally stronger and more outgoing person. I lacked confidence , had a lot less friends. He could speak to anyone and did not appear to let anything get him down. So when he was taken by suicide two months and a couple of days after our 60th birthday bash , which was attended by hundreds of friends, family and neighbours , my life fell apart. He left no note ( the inquest has been put back for the third time, as they require more information from different services ). As the weaker ,less confident person in the relationship, I have found every aspect of this a struggle. As we were together so long , our lives were sorted. The children had started their own families. We were financially secure . We were looking at traveling and possibly down sizing, as our oldest grandchild had moved in with their partner after living with us for a few years. We were looking after our younger grandchildren for part of the week to help with childcare , while their parents worked. So things were looking good. However My husband lost his sister on his 58th birthday unexpectedly from a undiagnosed heart defect. It was a shock to us all as she presented, like my husband to be in perfect health, as they were both very sporty. I knew my husband found the loss terrible as they were very close and spoke most days. She called him to say happy birthday on the day she died. but I never in my worse nightmare thought it would led to him being taken by suicide following sorting out her estate and ensuring her adult children had everything they needed. Since his death our children and grandad children have been emotionally broken. The younger ones are confused as the info provided has been limited. The older ones know and are struggling and the middle ones have not been told what actually happened as their parents feel this is best , although i question that approach. His siblings are divided with some saying it was an accident. i found him so know this can not be the case. Others have decided not to talk about anything to do with him , so his mum has not been told how he died , as there is disagreement between the sibling about what she should be told. I have never been a single person and i tended to travel thought life on his coat tail. I do not see the point of life without him as all my plans going forward included him. I do not want to depend on my children as they are suffering and have their own families to look after and think about. Although it has been nearly 9 months. I feel just as bad or even worse. I think the shock carried me thought the first few months , as I was in disbelief and so much was going on and had to be done. I do not feel i have the right to grieve because it appears he did not want to be here. I do not know anyone personally who like myself has been left behind by suicide. I feel like i am a very bad juggler , trying to juggle grief , loss of my other half and supporter , regret (could I have stopped this ),disbelief ( why did he leave me was i not enough ), embarrassment ( our road and the neighbouring road was cordoned off until the emergency services could work out how to retrieve his body without endangering anyone else.) , so the neighbours had to be locked in on New Year’s Eve. Loneliness, which I have never felt before. Even when he was away from the weekends or week in competitions or refereeing . He would call every evening to check in and exchange how our day had gone. Everyone says how well I am doing and how strong I am but i feel neither. I just wondered if there was anyone who is the same situation and how are they coping.
Sam, no body wants this at all, especially given the circumstances but any loss is a personal tragedy to all concerned I can only wish you the best stay strong that is all you can do.
I’m so sorry to hear what has happened.
I feel people who commit suicide, their minds are ill & they can’t deal with life as they did when they were well, it’s very sad for them & awful for the loved ones left behind.
There is a support organisation called “survivors of bereavement by suicide”. Might be worth checking them out, they have a support line by phone or email and local support groups.
I wish you strength going forward.
Sam its so so tragic…but sometimes life moves like a kaliscope just moving around showing us beautiful images and we have to try and except what life brings 
Same1964…thinking about you…take good care …slowly
Thank you. I have not really had time to think but it has helped to write it down. I will look into the “survivors of bereavement by suicide”group you mentioned. 
How you are feeling is completely normal and a natural part of the grieving process.
I lost a person to suicide when I was 18 (I’m 41 now) and it changed me forever.
It may help to perhaps find a support group for other people bereaved by suicide. Or speak to your doctor about how you are feeling?
There is a lot to process here, particularly as you found him too. Please reach out to me personally if you would like to chat privately. My thoughts are with you
Hi JoannaD841
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you and thank you for you support and kind words. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I feel like I should not complain as I can see that people have lost friends and family to suicide at a much younger age. So feel as a mature person I should be able to cope better,but that does not appear to be the casei. it was my husband and my birthday recently it was was so strange. I am still looking for a support group wbut trying to get Xmas and new years eve over with first.
Regards