Losing my husband

I just cant stop think stuff in my head like why didn’t I kiss before the ambulance took him as I wasn’t allowed go as had covid too . Silly put driving me mad silly little stuff like gone back to his first wife he said always be mine . Cant remember song we sung together totally gone out head . Just miss so much

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Hi Den, stop beating yourself up about everything that you wished you had done, he knew that you loved him, which is the main thing, nothing I say will make the pain any more bearable, but in time it will get easier, you never stop missing them but you learn to live with it, I cried every day for about 6 months and then I suddenly realised I’d gone a couple of days with no tears, I still miss him but I keep myself busy, it’s particularly difficult at the moment, because of the lockdown, but my dogs keep me sane, sending love Jude x

@Den26 even though it feels abnormal I think it’s normal these feelings you have. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that you couldn’t be with him like you wanted but we did the best we could on the day didn’t we and it was a massive shock you were not expecting. He knew you loved him from all the previous time you’d spent together.

I know that sounds like I am annoyingly logical but I also understand the feeling as I tear myself up regularly that right before my husband died (of a heart attack at home) he reached for my hand. I had one hand on the phone (to 999) and the other was clutching a packet of aspirin they had told me to get , he gripped my aspirin hand and I can’t quite remember if i dropped it or gripped his hand through the aspirin but either way I did not hold his hand as well as i should have done when he reached for me. he was holding my hand when I should have held his, he knew he was dying, then he let go of my hand and fell backwards. I wish I had put the phone on speakerphone earlier and held him properly and been speaking with him more to comfort him instead of the 999 operator.

So I think you are abnormal in a normal way… it doesn’t really help though does it. I’m sorry.

Thank you does help very much . It always throws thought after get to me what if type of thing or could done that or not

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Dear FleurDeLys,
How I feel for you as you wish you had acted differently but you were already in shock and dealing with the situation in the best way you could, battling the panic and summoning help. Your husband knew you were swinging into action and if he was thinking any logical thoughts, he was proud of you. Perhaps he he had a flash of realisation that he was dying and his hand reaching out to you was his farewell, to let you know he had not gone without saying “Goodbye”.
How I have wished that I could have had something similar, that we could have had a proper parting, however brief.
It is eight months now since my dear one died and there are actually days when I don’t cry but when I do, the raw grief is as terrible as it was in the beginning. I thought I could see some improvement but now just wonder if my grief will ever change.
Apart from the sheer ache of missing him, I am becoming worn out, doing everything on my own. I could fill every day with monotonous chores, which, between us, we’d polish off and then enjoy sitting in the garden. going out for a meal or a little drive or just watching television, commenting and laughing together.
He was my life, my world and all our interests were shared, from the day we married. We had no separate groups of friends. We married because we wanted to be together, not having evenings or weekends with other people. I know this isn’t the usual way and could almost envy those for whom separate pursuits are normal as when it comes time for them to part, they have a ready made support network and activities to pursue that were always spent without spouses. I say, “almost”. It would not have done for us and I am grateful for every minute of our long marriage, grateful that I can look back and know that whatever time was allotted to us, we spent it together.
Now though, as the months go by, I am struggling to cope. I struggled at first of course but then, each new chore I had never tackled before, was a challenge and engaged my mind. Now I drudge through each day, methodically doing what needs to be done - putting out the bins, (I just about knew where they were kept) loading and unloading the dishwasher, doing the laundry, dusting etc. etc.
I was pleased with myself because I decorated the whole house for Christmas, just as we had always done it, in honour of my husband. Someone brought all the boxes from the loft for me. I have dismantled everything single-handedly, soul destroying as it was but now, have been surrounded in every room but one, by the boxes waiting to be returned to the loft. I can’t even lift some of them, let alone get them up a flimsy ladder.
I found myself realising that I hate my life and wondering how long it must go on. Kind people ring or text and ask how I am. “Oh I’m fine thank you.” We have no children or family nearby, all our friends are dead (we lost the last one on Easter Monday and I still smile at the thought of the look of surprise on their spirit’s faces as they met) and the realisation that there are only 4 people in the world who would miss me a little, for a while, is chilling.
I was loved and cherished for nearly 60 years. We both knew we were blessed and were thankful but how do I go on from here?
God bless you and all here who are facing the same bewilderment and anguish.

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Hi Den, very much like Fluer and Jude, I have had thoughts, on if I had, and in being told by others that, and why did my wife do this, that and other. My only thought now, is to get on with life and probably as we get out of lockdown fully. Who knows what. All the best

Dear Prof, you always write beautiful posts and this one is no exception. I, for one, am very glad there are people like you on this site.
A heartfelt thank you, and I hope there is someone keeping your head above water as you do ours!
Hugs, Ann

Dear AnnR, what a kind thing to say. Thank you.
I am not at my best just now, our Wedding Anniversary month, which was our big celebration.
In a miserable month, with Christmas a memory and Lent looming, we always did something special, sometimes alone but often involving other people.
Turning the calendar was a heart-thumping moment, just as it was on the 1st. of January, when I had to acknowledge that my husband died last year.
I am trying to keep in mind that I am not leaving him further behind, in the past, but moving towards him, in our future. It isn’t easy but it helps me a bit and perhaps Will help others too.
God bless you and bless us all.

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Yes, I have felt, and still feel, like you. My wonderful husband, Tony, died last year, and it feels awful. As time goes by, it seems to get worse not better. Friday would have been our 55th anniversary. I never thought about this happening.
We all have to get through this as best we can. We are all in this together.

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Dear AnnR,
I really feel for you as you deal with this unthinkable situation.
As it actually IS and not “would have been” your Emerald Anniversary is there a way you are able to mark it in some special way? Perhaps you could plant an evergreen shrub, wear something green or buy a piece of jewellery with an emerald. I realise that involves online shopping but if it is an idea you think you would have had if you and your husband had discussed it together, it might be worth considering. The reason I mention it is that three people dear to us were approaching, at different times, their Diamond, Golden and Sapphire anniversaries in sorrowing widowhood. We made the suggestion to them about buying some commemorative item of jewellery. All three did so, deriving some comfort from the tangible symbol of the unbroken bond of love. This month marks the 60th. anniversary of the day my husband and I met and I shall buy a diamond, possibly made from some of his ashes. That will take a while I know but the process can be started.
Life is so much harder now, in many ways, than it was in the weeks after my husband died. The relentlessness of the 17 hours between waking up and being able to go back to bed each day is oppressive beyond belief and I have to have faith that this will ease with time, for all of us.
Take care and God bless you.

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Dear Prof,
I can always rely on you for a solution. I had no idea it is our Emerald, and I shall certainly get something sorted soon. I fear it is too late for Friday, but I might see if the florist has anything emerald in stock to go with the beautiful bouquet, called ‘Romance’ that I am taking when my daughters and I go to his grave. Thank you so much x x

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Sorry, I forgot to say that I am sorry for what you are going through too. A diamond is a wonderful idea. I might have something done in emerald too at your suggestion. We met 58 years ago. What I wouldn’t give to do those 58 years all over again. He was such a wonderful husband, father and grandfather and we all miss him so much. I hope you sort your diamond out, that would be such a comfort. Xx

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Bless you, dear AnnR.
I shall be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping you can feel the love as well as the pain as you make your lonely tribute.
You are blessed with children and grandchildren so what a comfort that will be as the months go by. Sadly, I have no-one as we were not blessed with children and our old friends have predeceased us. I have three new friends not too far away but am not in anyone’s bubble.
I am sure the florist will have some of those glass pebbles for flower arranging, which I have seen in a bright emerald. Perhaps they could be used in some way to mark the day.
You met your husband as I married mine and now I wish I had not waited so long. Still, the courtship counts and, like you, how I would love to have it all over again. We met dancing and my husband told me, fairly recently, that when he saw me walk in, he said to himself, “I’m going to dance with that one.” and we never looked back.
Memories almost always bring the floods of tears but they are also beginning to be comforting so I look forward to the day when I can open my wedding album (black and white) as well as all the other albums complied over the years and just relive the joy. My prayer for you for today and tomorrow, is that you will be able to do the same. Bless you.

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Thank you again. My florist delivered the flowers to me today and she managed to incorporate some emerald greenery. It’s a beautiful spray of gorgeous flowers that he would have loved.
Tomorrow will be ok, I think. It’s strange, but I don’t really think of him as being in the grave. To me, he is here in my heart, so the grave is just somewhere to focus on. His grandparents are buried there too, so if he is there, he is not alone. Xx

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COMPILED. Predictive text actually changes what I have written, which so annoys me, particularly when it changes my grammar or inserts apostophes in the wrong places.

Aah! Bless you.
I agree with you that your husband is in your heart, not the grave.
When my Mother died and we were in the limousine following the hearse, my little niece (4 years old) piped up, “What’s in the box?” To her, large boxes had always meant presents. In the stunned silence that followed, my brother gave me a dig so I offered the explanation to the children that just as when their clothes became old and shabby and no longer fitted them, they were recycled, so Grandma no longer needed her old body because it had become so old and poorly and that was in the box. I told them she was with God and had a brand new body but that her spirit would always be remembered in their hearts.
Up to now I have scattered only a few of my husband’s ashes in various places and the rest are still in the sitting room awaiting their journeys. He is going to go travelling back to all his old favourite places, in this country and abroad. My place to visit is our village memorial garden, for which he made the cross and where some of his ashes are and to the rose garden he made within our own garden, to celebrate our Golden Wedding. As you say, he is in my heart.
I have a beautiful photograph of him with these words underneath:
I am always with you,
I live in your heart.
I speak to your soul.
We are not far apart.
God bless. xx

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