Losing my mam my Best friend

My beautiful mam passed away on the 26th of may… Although she had been battling lung cancer for the last 3 years it had stayed the same from the last scan…so thinking things were not that bad but suddenly in hospital my mam passed away… even worse alone…which I’m really struggling with. I was the last one to visit mam that night … there’s only me and my dad. I just wish I was with her… It’s been nearly 5 months and it’s just getting worse and worse… I’m asking for signs and expecting to see her but the longer I don’t get the signs or something to know she’s ok… it’s killing me… How can I never see my mam again… I really just can’t deal with this. Me and dad just both bottle everything up I don’t like to talk or upset him and he’s a man which doesn’t like to show his feelings apart from a occasional out burst that he’s not coping
… I’m having panic attacks not sleeping. I just don’t know how we can be expected to carry on. Then also I’m so petrified of losing my dad. Life’s so rubbish now and I just don’t see the point. Apart from my 2 children that’s the only reasons.

Hello @Goldengreen12 ,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mam. It sounds as though you and your dad are both struggling with your grief, this must be so difficult for you right now, and at the moment you are feeling alone.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,


I’m so sorry. Your post resonated with me. I just lost my mom a few weeks ago unexpectedly. We were best friends. I feel lost too. I keep going over in my mind seeing her in the hospital and thinking the surgery would go well. We were hopeful. She was in pain. I feel horrible. I don’t think my husband understands me and I sense he wants me to be stronger for our baby. But, I’m a mess most days. I go through the motions sometimes. I’d like to see more signs too. I don’t think I’m getting much from my mom. I think sharing feelings and talking with others that get it might help a bit. I don’t know.

I feel your pain @Goldengreen12. My mum passed away recently from lung cancer. She didn’t even get the chance to try treatment, as she had a stroke only days before she was due to start it, and then she fought so hard to get fit enough to have the cancer treatment but the cancer progressed in that time, so she died. It was so unfair and awful. Lung cancer really is so cruel. It must be one of the worst cancers, how it stops you from breathing, how horrible and scary that must be. It’s really hard to deal with. It’s so unfair. I also just want a sign that my mum is okay now. I am desperate for it. I keep being told to look out for one, be open to it, and it might come. I don’t have kids so my husband is the only one keeping me going. I guess that’s all we can do, be open to signs and keep going for the people we have left x

I know this may sound quite awful but depending on how advanced your mum’s cancer was it’s so hard to watch it’s destroying the treatment… yes my mam got 3 extra years but in those years it totally stripped her of the strong woman she was… She could hardly breath… Infection after infection so so cruel… plus the constant arguments with Dr cause mam knew her own body… Yes Im with you… I have had signs or were they…is it cause I’m desperate… I did have a dream it was so real… I do think she came to me… But we always want more… I’ve even got angry and told her I need her… Because I know my mam if there was a way she would… But I don’t know how easy it is… I do believe in life after but I’m not religious. The longer it gets with no 100% sign it’s killing xx

Maybe that really was a sign, her coming to you in your dream. I’m not religious either, but hope I will see a sign and can believe it. I think my mum’s treatment prognosis was quite good, so it’s so unfair the stroke robbed her of the chance to even try it. I really struggle with that. I don’t know how to feel okay about any of it because none of it is fair. I know what you mean, if my mum could find a way, she’d come back to me too. I try and make myself feel better by saying well at least I had a mum who would do anything for me. At least we have that x

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How old was your mum… Aww yes even worse if she had a good prognosis… Guessing it was just her time to go… I’m really really struggling ATM… Definitely getting a lot harder…yeah I do really think it was her in my dream it was so so real… But I guess nothing is ever enough… Even if I saw her once it would never be enough… it’s just so hard still just hasn’t sunk in xx

Hi @Goldengreen12 so sorry to hear the loss of your Mum. I think it does get harder and I really resonate with your final visit.
My Grandmother was literally like a mother to be my whole life, we had 35 years together and i was the last one to visit her in July when she died, we knew she was going to go but maybe had another week. I went that lunchtime and she died during the night. My mum and uncle hadn’t been in the last 48 hours and I find it hard still to think she didn’t see her kids in the final few days and that she also died alone at about 5am in the morning. I’m haunted by that Apple iPhone ringtone as my phone rang that morning to say she’d gone and even when I hear the ringtone now on the train or something it gets me with a shudder.
I’ve found my grief has got harder this month. I just want to send you some thoughts and well wishes for you and your Mum. I have had some odd dreams and I believe it’s part of the process. But some of them are very strange.
I think I’m going to try writing to my Gran as I just find I’d like to go see her and chat and I cant, I find that so hard. X